Food Poisoning and Pattaya Go-Go Dancers

Who gave me food poisoning?

That’s right. I must ferret out the villain here or I will keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Obviously I ate at the wrong place so I will need to never go there again. I ate nothing but Thai food for twenty-four hours preceding the time I was struck down. The first possibility is the restaurant across the street. Although I have never had any problems here I nearly always ate Western food there, but this time I ordered up a plate of Cow Pat, which is fried rice with a little chicken put in, which I laced with a few peppers and fish sauce to give it the right amount of spiciness. I wouldn’t even put this restaurant on my list of suspects, but my girlfriend insisted it was a possibility. My second possible suspect is the Thai noodle stand near our condo building where my girlfriend often gets her food. The day before we went to the zoo my girlfriend had gotten us each a bowl of Noodle soup. My third possible suspect is the zoo itself. We had driven there in my car, arriving at 11 a.m. where we immediately searched for a spot to have an early lunch-late breakfast. After walking several hundred meters we came to one of the main restaurants. It’s a little bit high dollar inside where it’s air conditioned but outside there’s the typical Thai vendor that serves up cheap Thai dishes. I opted for the Katapowel, which is a spicy ground beef dish that is nearly always served up on rice. It came to 45 baht which is $1.50 in U.S. money with my total bill for both us including a bottle of water coming out to $3.40.

Within two hours I started to feel very tired and couldn’t wait to get home. Arriving at the condo around 1:30 p.m. I immediately collapsed in my lazy boy where I slept on and off for the next four hours. I very rarely sleep during the afternoons. By 6 p.m. I was shitting like a Mongoose. I was also having alternating fever and chills and a splitting headache between my eyes. My joints and bones ached. That night I slept 8 hours. Normally I’m lucky to get 5.5 to 6 hours which seems to be about all the sleep I need. I will now spare everyone the gory details about how often I’d shit, how much my ass hurt when I did, what color my excrement was, but even though I was feeling better by the second day I was still running a temperature a degree above normal, my eyes looked like a raccoon’s and I was still defecating like a fire hydrant. All of which was of no real importance. The critical thing was, who did this to me?

Today I went to the restaurant across the street where I talked with one of the owners who happens to be a friend of mine. He’s got a sidekick of sorts, a Thai woman who used to waitress for him, who will often accompany him when he goes out to shop for food for the restaurant. The woman’s spent a lot of time in Europe. They had just come back in a car which had a trunk full of food. I pointed the noodle stand out to both of them. Straight off the Thai woman told me that it had to have been the Zoo that had poisoned me. The outdoor food vendor just outside the air conditioned restaurant bought its food from everywhere, the woman told me. And when I asked her, “It doesn’t cook up any of the food it sells?” she told me, “No.” All of which meant that no one was responsible.

My mind had already been churning up this vendor as my number one suspect. After all, why should this vendor care or not who it poisoned? After all, it would never see anyone again since nearly all the people eating there would be tourists from all across the world. The noodle stand next to my condo was another story and so was the restaurant across the street. Both depended on a lot of repeat business. If my girlfriend would get sick at the noodle stand she’d tell everyone else at my condo. Since most of its customers were Thais either living or working in my neighborhood the word would soon get out that everyone should avoid the place and that would be the end of the Noodle Stand. This would be equally true of my restaurant owner friend. As for the tourists, they are a dime a dozen. One tourist replaces another so if a lot of them get sick, who cares.

Walking Street Go-Go Girl

Walking Street is also for tourists. Real expats who live here all the time know better to go there unless it’s a once in awhile kind of thing or if they have friends visiting they feel have to be entertained. For the most part go-go girls prey on the tourists who don’t know they have far better options when it comes to the opposite sex. The game plan for most go-go girls is to go short time with a customer paying her bar fine, and as for short time, the shorter the better. After breaking free of her ball and chain, she is now free to go back to her go-go bar to look for her next short time victim. Or she might go to Lucifer’s, Insomnia, Misty’s, Tony’s or some other disco to hunt for a new customer she can go with. Chances are 80 percent she’s got a Thai boyfriend (versus 50 % for your average beer bar girl) so she might just want to go home or go drinking with him and his friends. But whichever way she works it you can be sure that her short time customer is the very last on her list of people she wants to spend the rest of the evening with. But the worse scenario is one where a customer overpays her and then she goes out to a Thai Karioke bar where she hires a Thai guy to have sex with her on the money the overpaying customer just gave her. Believe it or not, there’s Male prostitutes who specialize in overpaid go-go girls and this is a lot more prevalent than you’d ever think.

To get such treatment the customer pays her bar fine, which several years ago ran 600 baht (around $20.00), but which will now range upwards to 1500 baht. Thanks to the insidious infusion of Coyote dancers, the 1000 to 1500 baht bar fine is now getting to be the norm. The way this works is a go-go bar will often contract with a company that provides the Coyote girls for which it is willing to pay top dollar. The Coyote girl in turn gets a high salary while the go-go bar owner is assured of getting a reliable supply of attractive dancers. So far so good, everyone’s happy except the customer gets screwed. But the customers are so ignorant that they don’t even have a clue how badly they are being screwed. That’s because they are tourists, meaning, ignorant rather than stupid due to being completely oblivious of the game that’s being played against them. But what’s really bad is when a man is no longer a tourist and he’s been here long enough to know better, yet he still persists in going after go-go dancers.

Take the other night when one of my American friends spied a cute girl strutting off her sexy little body in front of the Wind Mill Club. He paid her bar fine, all 1500 baht of it and then he took her back to his condo where she immediately complained of feeling tired, of having to work too hard, the neighbors keeping her awake all night, the dog puking on her couch and so on. So the poor thing immediately went comatose on him, and then when she woke up two hours later, she immediately wanted to go home. To my friend’s credit he didn’t pay her a thing, but the average tourist probably would have after being taken in by her charade. Nevertheless out of the 1500 baht bar fine he paid she probably got at least 200 baht of that as her cut.

The truth is most go-go girls are spoiled little girls who learn very quickly how easily tourists can get taken advantage of. The key thing to remember here is like the outside food vendor at the Zoo repeat business is of no interest to such go-go girls. But a beer bar girl, now that’s an entirely different story. Her game plan is the complete opposite from your typical go-go dancer’s. First off, she’s much more likely to want to go long time with you, which means spending the entire night with you at your condo or hotel room. This should run 300 baht for the bar fine which entitles her to leave the bar with you, and then it’s between the two of you. Pay no more than 1000 baht for her though. That’s the going rate and don’t let anyone tell you differently. The reason she will probably want to spend the night with you is she will probably want to spend tomorrow night with you as well. Better yet is to spend the week with you, month or whatever unless you have the personality of a Marquis de Sade and the face of the Headless Horseman. An arrangement that goes for month after month at a mutually agreed upon monthly stipend will oftentimes be even more desirable for her, and if she’s real lucky, possibly even marriage.

And of course there are more options than beer bar girls and go-go dancers. There’s Soi Six girls, girls with regular jobs, massage girls, etc. Just keep in mind that out of all the options your worse option is the tourist option. Just as I got food poisoning from a vendor who didn’t care about repeat business because her customers are primarily tourists so it is with the go-go dancer who finds a non-ending supply of fools to prey on.

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