Subject: Why the United States should go
to war against Canada
Dear Congressman Blackstone:
We have left Canada without our sidekick Hugh Loving feeling at
a loss now that there are only two of us left. We were the three
musketeers from downstate Illinois. We were the terror of the
slopes having left the skiers from three ski clubs in our dust, but
now thanks to the Canadian authorities our little team has been
destroyed perhaps never again to achieve its complete dominance
over the slopes. Together we were unbeatable each of us gaining
our power and confidence from the other two.
It happened so quickly. One moment we were drinking Scotch
from the bottle in the hotel's outdoor hot tub after having skied hard
all day. The next moment, the first Canadian Mounty appeared onto
the deck of the third floor riding his horse into the shallow end of
the pool. Then the second and the third Mounty appeared, their
horses splashing in after the first. How they ever got up to the third
floor on those horses, I'll never know--whether they took the
elevator or simply rode up the stairs.
All three of us knew that we had been breaking the law, but the
seriousness of our offence became obvious to us only when we saw
the expression on the faces of those Mounties. Stan and I were able
to jump out of the hot tub just in time minus our swim suits which
we had carefully deposited along its edge. Stark naked we were
somehow able to run down the stairs, out the hotel's front door, and
into the street.
One Mounty came after us but was unable to keep
up after his horse balked at the steepness of the stairs. The other
two rode down poor Hugh who was not quick enough or who was
too intent on finishing his fifth Scotch. The hooves of the first
Mounty's horse caught Hugh in the forehead, knocking him
unconscious.
We were able to rush into a nearby ski shop where a
Canadian girl named Louise hid us from the authorities for the next
two days. Over the phone our trip leader told us that Hugh had been
arrested for 1. Drinking in the hot tub, 2. Indecent exposure, 3. the
unlawful transportation of a dangerous substance, and 4. Vagrancy.
As far as we know he is facing a twenty year sentence in a
Canadian hell hole.
Our new friend, Louise, was somehow able to smuggle us out of
the country despite one of the biggest manhunts in Canadian
history. Now that we have had the last few weeks to reflect on this
tragic adventure, we are asking you, our Congressman, to use your
influence to lead American foreign policy towards a new direction
into another Cold War where the old enemy, Soviet Russia, will be
replaced with a new one--Canada. Forget the fact that the Canadian
people are very hospitable. After all we managed to kill allot of
good Japanese and Germans in the Second World War without
giving the matter much thought, and we contemplated killing two
hundred million Russians with nuclear weapons afterwards. There
are ample reasons for making Canada our number one enemy. Here
are some of them:
1. The scenery of the Canadian Rockies even surpasses the scenery
of our mountains thus drawing American dollars into the wrong
country.
2. The Health care system fostered by the Canadian liberals is
serving as a blueprint for one proposed by the Clinton
administration which will pull much needed funds out of the
pockets of our own rich (which includes you and I).
3. Canadian farm products compete against American farm
products.
4. Canadian skiers usually outperform American skiers in the
Olympics.
5. If the proposed cold war can be expanded into a shooting war
the U.S. will be able to expropriate Canadian timber, minerals, and
wildlife for our own benefit.
6. Canada is inhabited by too many liberals.
7. Canada's outmoded hot tub no liquor laws.
8. Allowing a French speaking province (Quebec) to exist.
9. As was the case with the former Soviet Union, Canada can be
easily defeated.
These are only a few of the many reasons we should consider
Canada as our number one enemy. Our economy will benefit
tremendously as a result. The U.S. needs a common enemy as it
always has. Since the Soviet Union no longer exists we as a nation
are in imminent danger of losing our focus in the world. We don't
have a moment to lose so let us act with haste. Your efforts towards
this worthy goal will be much appreciated. Enclosed is our
campaign donation of $100000 which we hope will be only the start
of a noble partnership.
Respectfully yours,
Cecil Manning
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