by Jack Corbett

Subject:  Why the United States should go to war against Canada

Dear Congressman Blackstone:

We have left Canada without our sidekick Hugh Loving feeling at a loss now that there are only two of us left. We were the three musketeers from downstate Illinois. We were the terror of the slopes having left the skiers from three ski clubs in our dust, but now thanks to the Canadian authorities our little team has been destroyed perhaps never again to achieve its complete dominance over the slopes. Together we were unbeatable each of us gaining our power and confidence from the other two.

It happened so quickly. One moment we were drinking Scotch from the bottle in the hotel's outdoor hot tub after having skied hard all day. The next moment, the first Canadian Mounty appeared onto the deck of the third floor riding his horse into the shallow end of the pool. Then the second and the third Mounty appeared, their horses splashing in after the first. How they ever got up to the third floor on those horses, I'll never know--whether they took the elevator or simply rode up the stairs.

All three of us knew that we had been breaking the law, but the seriousness of our offence became obvious to us only when we saw the expression on the faces of those Mounties. Stan and I were able to jump out of the hot tub just in time minus our swim suits which we had carefully deposited along its edge. Stark naked we were somehow able to run down the stairs, out the hotel's front door, and into the street. One Mounty came after us but was unable to keep up after his horse balked at the steepness of the stairs. The other two rode down poor Hugh who was not quick enough or who was too intent on finishing his fifth Scotch. The hooves of the first Mounty's horse caught Hugh in the forehead, knocking him unconscious. We were able to rush into a nearby ski shop where a Canadian girl named Louise hid us from the authorities for the next two days. Over the phone our trip leader told us that Hugh had been arrested for 1. Drinking in the hot tub, 2. Indecent exposure, 3. the unlawful transportation of a dangerous substance, and 4. Vagrancy. As far as we know he is facing a twenty year sentence in a Canadian hell hole.

Our new friend, Louise, was somehow able to smuggle us out of the country despite one of the biggest manhunts in Canadian history. Now that we have had the last few weeks to reflect on this tragic adventure, we are asking you, our Congressman, to use your influence to lead American foreign policy towards a new direction into another Cold War where the old enemy, Soviet Russia, will be replaced with a new one--Canada. Forget the fact that the Canadian people are very hospitable. After all we managed to kill allot of good Japanese and Germans in the Second World War without giving the matter much thought, and we contemplated killing two hundred million Russians with nuclear weapons afterwards. There are ample reasons for making Canada our number one enemy. Here are some of them:

1. The scenery of the Canadian Rockies even surpasses the scenery of our mountains thus drawing American dollars into the wrong country.

2. The Health care system fostered by the Canadian liberals is serving as a blueprint for one proposed by the Clinton administration which will pull much needed funds out of the pockets of our own rich (which includes you and I).

3. Canadian farm products compete against American farm products.

4. Canadian skiers usually outperform American skiers in the Olympics.

5. If the proposed cold war can be expanded into a shooting war the U.S. will be able to expropriate Canadian timber, minerals, and wildlife for our own benefit.

6. Canada is inhabited by too many liberals.

7. Canada's outmoded hot tub no liquor laws.

8. Allowing a French speaking province (Quebec) to exist.

9. As was the case with the former Soviet Union, Canada can be easily defeated.

These are only a few of the many reasons we should consider Canada as our number one enemy. Our economy will benefit tremendously as a result. The U.S. needs a common enemy as it always has. Since the Soviet Union no longer exists we as a nation are in imminent danger of losing our focus in the world. We don't have a moment to lose so let us act with haste. Your efforts towards this worthy goal will be much appreciated. Enclosed is our campaign donation of $100000 which we hope will be only the start of a noble partnership.

Respectfully yours,

Cecil Manning

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