A new man destined for leadership in a new world, a world that is ever changing, Howard unlike FDR, U.S. president during the Second World War, chooses to sit down for his fireside chats, in the Dollies strip club restroom.

And when not in the bathroom, you can find him managing Dollies during the day shift or mismanaging himself after hours when you are likely to find him close to the bar. But where FDR was old fashioned, having to use radio to deliver his messages, Howard uses the Internet to deliver his messages to a world anxiously waiting to hear from him. This is the first of the fireside chats--which we might rename Toilet Bowl classics.

Writers Nook-----------Howard, why do you always like company with you when you are in the bathroom?

Howard------------------Puts me at ease. I don't like to be alone in there.

Writers Nook-----------You have not won the world's Studmuffin contest..at least not just yet. What are your plans after you win it?

Howard-----------------I care little about myself so my personal plans are trivial. What I do care about are my fellow Americans. One thing I would like to do is to revolutionize the way sports are conducted in this country."

Writers Nook----------What do you mean?

Howard------------------Look at our sports programs. On tv. In the papers. It is deplorable. We are breeding a nation of couch potatoes and think about how boring it is. Football, baseball, golf, basketball. Boring. It is a travesty.

Writers Nook-----------So what do you have in mind?

Howard------------------The return to gladiatorial

 combats. The way the Romans used to have them. You know...a man with a sword fighting to the death against a man with a spear, or a net and a trident. The Christians versus the lions. Two fighting bulls against an elephant. Now that's what I call entertainment.

Writers Nook----------Why do you think this is better entertainment?

Howard------------------It worked for the Romans.

Writers Nook----------Can you explain. Somehow I think we have gotten out onto a limb on this one.

Howard------------------Look. Depending on how you assess Roman History Rome lasted for at least 600 years and their roads are still there and I should know about roads considering I was an ex over the road truck driver for over twenty years before becoming a topless club manager here at Dollies. What the Roman emperors did was to entertain large masses of people watching gladiators and animals fight to the death. The emperors gave the people bread as they watched people and animals kill each other off in the coliseum. Even when the Roman Emperor was on the verge of revolution they kept the people fat and happy.

Writers Nook------------Can't argue with that.

Howard-------------------And would you rather seeing a man or animal getting disemboweled in the ring or would you rather watch a bunch of preppy golfers on television? Even football is boring. Guys playing it are a bunch of panzies. They get a little injury and they go crying to their mommies and daddies.

Writers Nook-------------You seem to know a lot about History.

Howard-------------------I don't know about that but I have watched a lot of movies and I liked the Roman movies the best. Now those guys knew what entertainment was all about.

Writers Nook------------But what you are advocating is wholesale bloodshed.

Howard--------------------What is war? War kills more people than they ever did in the coliseum. Look...I am a humanitarian. If we reintroduce gladiator style combats and throw a little blood around we probably can eliminate a lot of the wars that are going on all around the world at any moment.

Writers Nook-------------Please explain.

Howard--------------------Look at what the United States has been doing lately. A president is getting impeached and suddenly there are air strikes against Iraq and it's all on television. And Americans love it. They watch their boob tubes avidly with fervent patriotism in their breasts. And hundreds or thousands are getting killed and these people didn't ask for it.

Writers Nook-------------And your gladiators and animals will be asking for it?

Howard--------------------The gladiators just like in the old Roman days will be getting something out of it. They will go into battle with their eyes wide open. As for the animals. Those animals chosen have a natural urge to fight. It is in their makeup. So...no harm done there.

Writers Nook--------------What did the gladiators get out of fighting each other in the days of the Roman Empire?

Howard----------------------Many of them were slaves. They won often enough they would get their freedom. Many gladiators became stars and attracted huge followings. They got lots of women that way.

Writers Nook-----------------Yeah, but a lot of those slaves were working under horrific conditions. Down in the holds of ships manning the oars or in the mines. Can you blame them for preferring mortal combat to the amusement of the crowd?

Howard-----------------------Hey. Life sucks, doesn't it.

Writers Nook-----------------So what do you think of the millions of Americans sitting in front of their tv sets watching soap operas and sports and all the other crap that they watch?

Howard-----------------------They don't have any balls. They are afraid of real life. They want to live it vicariously. So they seek the safe way out, right in front of the boob tube. Experiencing life through artificial means. Hey...I don't respect them but I'll give them what they want. In spades and in pools of blood. But I will save thousands of lives while I am doing it. The American public will be satiated with what I give them and will no longer look towards warfare as a way of getting their jollies. My gladiators will be well paid and the women will all flock to them. They will know going in that eventually many of them will have to pay with their lives. But that is their choice. People will do almost anything to be the center of attention. Look at many of the dancers and the crazy shit they pull. And if you think they're bad look at Jack. He's worse than they are but he's a hell of a good time to drink with.

Writers Nook-----------------We have heard that the Sports Section will kick off your concept for mortal combat between humans or between animals.

Howard-----------------------It is Jack's cat Inky against Jade's killer bird, Kittie. Pictures of the bloodbath in the Studmuffin Times sports section. Americans will go crazy for this one. Even the Canadians will.

Writers Nook----------------What do you think of the Studmuffin Times?

Howard-----------------------I think it's great. It revolves around me.

Writers Nook-----------------And what is your prediction for the coming international Studmuffin contest? We have heard that the Canadians challenger, Dawg, has a huge following.

Howard------------------------Dawg's ass is grass.

Writers Nook-----------------Come again?

Howard-----------------------There is only one Studmuffin. I've won twice before and I'm winning again and that's all there is to it.

Writers Nook-----------------We've run out of time. Is there anything more you feel like you have to say.

Howard------------------------Do me a favor, okay?

Writers Nook------------------What is it?

Howard-------------------------Can you go get Jack. There's more girls coming in here and I think he should be here.

Writers Nook-------------------Okay. I'll go get him.

Writers Nook--------------------And that concludes the first of the fireside chats with Howard. Stay tuned.