My Love by Heaven

MY LOVE
by Heaven

 

Heaven who we met at the Stimmelators Gentlemen's Club in North Webster, Indiana has always been a one of a kind stripper.  These are just a few of Heaven's Thoughts

I tried to warn you about messin around,

but you didn't listen, so you fell to the ground.
 

The moon and the stars are up so high,

and beneath them I lie.

My heart is ripping,

while tears are dripping,

as I listen to the winds lullaby.
 

You will always be my first love,

though you are now above....
 

I REMEMBER
 

When I looked in your eyes, I knew it was true.

My heart never lies- I was in love with you.
 

As you stood there just looking around,

my whole body melted into the ground.

I remember the day, I remember the time,

I remember the place, it is always on my mind.

You looked so good, in your shirt and jeans.

I remember that night, you were in my dreams.

I wish I could be with you day after day,

because I love you more than words can say.
 
 

FRUSTRATED
 

I'm frustrated because I can not tell if it's real,

frustrated because I don't know how you feel.

I'm frustrated because we did not talk last night,

frustrated because we can't make things right.

I'm frustrated because there is no trust,

frustrated because I know it's a must.

I'm frustrated because I need you night and day,

frustrated because I can't have things my way.

I'm frustrated because you don't want to take my hand,

frustrated because I can't get you to understand.

I'm frustrated because I can't feel your gentle touch,

frustrated because I miss you so much.

I'm frustrated because we can't be together ,

frustrated because I'll love you forever.
 

Heaven is a place that seems to be the answer to our dreams,

Heaven is a place we know that only the best of us go,

Heaven is a place of love that when given freely flows like a dove,

Heaven is a place that in the end we will all be together once again,

Even though you sit and cry, don't think of this as a goodbye,

For when the time comes, and surely will,

You'll get to say I Love You Still..
 

Don't grieve for me for now I am free,

I'm following the path God laid for me.

I took his hand when I heard him call,

I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day,

To laugh, to love, to work or play.

Task left undone will stay that way,

I found that peace at close of day.

If my parting has left a void,

Then fill it with remembered joy.

A friendship shared, a laugh a kiss,

Ah yes, these things I, too, will miss.

But not burdened with times of sorrow,

I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.

My life has been full, I've savored so much,

Good friends, good times, a loved ones touch.

Perhaps my time seemed all to brief,

Lift up your hearts and share with me.

God wanted me now,

He set me free..

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I am only six weeks old,

And I am developing quite well.

My mom just found out about me,

And she hopes I'll be male.

Now sixteen weeks have passed,

Since I was conceived.

I have my fingers and toes,

And suck my thumb as I please.

I've had a good start in life,

So far as I can see.

I know my eyes will be blue,

And brown is what my hair will be.

I know my mom will love me,

And I will love her too.

I just hope daddy will,

When she tells him the news.

At first she was real excited,

Until she told my dad.

Then all of the sudden,

She became very sad.

I don't know why,

I'm too young to understand.

But today I died,

In my mothers hand.

She signed a piece of paper,

And cried for a while.

Then the man killed me,

And put my record in a file.

Mommy please tell me,

What did I do wrong.

Why didn't you want me,

Why did I have to hurt so long?
 

I was just a little girl, too young to know.

Too young to understand, too young to show.

The feelings I had, when you left me.

The feelings so sad, why did this have to be.

Please tell my why, through all of those years.

You were not there, to wipe away my tears.

To give me a hug, and make me grin.

To give me a kiss, oh where have you been.

I dreamed every night, of how it would be.

To feel the comfort inside, of you holding me.

Please tell me what did I do...

What did I say...

Didn't you care that I loved you...

Did I make you go away?
 

As you raise up a boy, you must teach him many things.

To walk, to talk, to say bye bye,

To play, be strong, and never lie.

To be polite and say thank you,

To fold his socks and tie his shoes.

You hug and kiss and cuddle him so,

You pray your baby will never go.

He laughs and giggles, and play peekaboo,

You run and chase him, but there's so much to do.

In the evening you rock him and put him in bed,

Hoping he'll remember all those little thing you said,

I love you, you're a good boy, and never be sad.

When you grow up, be strong and brave like your dad,

Be wise, be caring and always be true,

Be gentle, be kind, and understanding too.

Be real, be proud of the man you became.

Be honest, be proud, don't others you blame.

A man must show feelings, tenderness and love,

Be courageous, be gentle, calm as a dove.

Remember the man I raised you to be,

Be true to yourself and others will see.

You don't have to be cold, hard hearted and mean,

A real man is cherished..every woman's dream.

You know it's funny how we think our life is so bad,

until we lose one of our love ones and then it is so sad.

We can make our lives easy or rough,

but then again losing someone is so tough.

Sometimes it hurts so bad, and all you can do is cry,

and we ask the lord again and again why...

Why did Grandpa, and Chris have to die?

The answers to our questions we may never know,

but in my heart I will never let you two go.

I love you both...

Heaven


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THOUGHTS ABOUT IT ALL
 

My heart is breaking even now there's no use we even try.

I cried, I lied.. hell I almost died. I don't have a

reason but it is alright to say goodbye.. I sit here

watching you sleep, wish I could slip inside and be in

the same dream. But the air is too thick for one of us to

breath, and I am not fool enough to think you could not

live life without me. I didn't come this far to throw

in the towel, I didn't fight this hard to walk away.

If I ain't smart enough to say I am sorry, it's just

because the words got in the way. But I hated you the

night you told me you loved me, I hated you cause I

could not love myself. I am begging you know, baby

please hold me. I got one foot in and one foot off of

the ground
 

If I could I surely would, child ease your pain.

But if I could no longer, would you still know my name?

If I couldn't drink the tears, that pour from your eyes

Would you turn your back on me.. would you wave goodbye?

Or leave me way beyond empty inside, awaiting my last

day to arrive. If I be the shoulder, which your head

would rest upon, would you still be waiting or would

you be gone? If I couldn't keep the smile forever on

your face, would I still be around or would I be

replaced? Would you promise me that things would

stay the same. If I couldn't clear the clouds from

over your head, would you keep your word to me amongst

all the things you said?
 

I went for a walk just to sort it all out... but even

in the shadows there's still a lot of doubt. As the sun

goes down the day fades so fast, all the memories

come rushing back from the past. And I see.....

I see you, staring back at me.
 

Tonight I stayed by the phone for hours in case you

called, but I never heard from you. And I'm glad I

didn't, because I would have taken you back no matter

what you had done. That's how badly I wanted you. I was

able to deny all the pain that you have caused me. My

heart wants to carry me to you, but my head is telling

me to stay away. I guess I let a romantic fantasy blind

me to the reality of life... You made me love you, I

didn't wanna do it. You made me feel blue, and all the

time I guess you knew it. You made me happy, and there

were times you made me feel so sad.
 
 

Through the haze of my pain, I think back to that day.

End his life. Start to regain. Twist the love into hate.

Light is gone-- life is drained. Only agony remains.

Single thought remains. Destroy the one who caused my

pain. Carve his flesh, as I cry tears of joy, as he dies

Final stare from his eyes--I always knew his love was

lies
 

There is no point in figuring out what I want since I

don't deserve it from anyone. And even if I did deserve it,

I wouldn't get it...
 

If you should go before me, walk slowly. Down the ways

of death, well worn and wide. For I would want to over

take you quickly, and seek the journeys end by

your side. I would be so forlorn not to deserve you.

Down some shining highroad when I come, so walk slowly

dear, and often look behind you, and pause to hear if

someone calls your name.
 

I love you for what you are, but I love you yet more

for what you are going to be. I love you not so much

for your realities, as for your ideals. I pray for your

desires that may be great, rather than for your

satisfactions, which may be so hazardously little.

A satisfied flower is one whose petals are about to

fall. The most beautiful rose is one who hardly more than

a bud, where in the pangs and ecstasies of desire are

working for larger and finer growth. Not always shall

you be what you re now, you are going forward toward

something great. I am on the way with you....

And therefore I love you.
 

If he'd get off my back, I'd love him more.

If he would only change, I would be happy.

The only reason he is doing this is to destroy my

peace of mind. He wants to hurt me, and it is working.
 

If I do such, and so. This and that will happen.

If I am perfect, mommy will love me. If I do everything

exactly right daddy will notice me. If I can just

behave perfectly this won't happen. If I become more

fun to be with then daddy will stay home. If I can just

get thin enough, I will be happy and everyone will love

me. I know I can fix the past if I just try hard enough.

Mom will finally find something to like about me. If I

can somehow become loveable enough and successful

enough. Dads character and happiness are shaped by

others, therefore mine are too. If I can be the perfect

mate, I can fix my spouse. I can realize the failed

childhood fantasy . That if I were the perfect child I

could fix my original family.
 
 
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Put out my eyes, and I can see you still. Slam my ears

too, and I can hear you yet. And without any feet I

can go to you, and tongue less, I can conjure you at will

Break off my arms, I shall take hold of you, and grasp

you with my heart as with a hand. Arrest my heart, my

brain will beat as true, and if you set this brain of Living here far away, I am yours.

Living there far away, You are mine.

Love is not made of bodies only.

Deep in our hearts is where we are one.

mine afire, then on my blood I yet will carry you
 

It is marvelous to wake up together at the same minute

marvelous to hear the rain begin suddenly all over the

roof, to feel the air clear as if electricity had passed

through it from a black mesh of wires in the sky. All

over the roof the rain hisses and below the light

falling of kisses.
 

I like it when I am in my room preparing. Mother works

all day, and when she gets out she laughs alot. Some

mornings when it is dark, I sneak into bed with her. I

touch her face, and I get the feeling I touch her and I

hurt
 

Mother I feel the pain I have put upon you. I know

your tears so well, and one day you will be gone, and

I'll be here left alone. To only remember the pain I

have put you through... I'm sorry.
 
 

Please forgive me for being untrue to you. There is no

need explaining now, it's all been said and done. You

will always be part of my past, and you will forever be

my future. There was so much missing between the two of

us, and you have filled all of those empty spaces. Im

sorry if I have caused you any pain, it's something I

never wanted to do. That's why it was so hard to tell you
 

I feel as though it is over, when I look into your eyes

and do not see the love and care that used to take me by

surprise. The sweetness that you gave to me, was so

special and new. I realize that I could not see, what I

failed to give you. My regret is washed away by my

sorrow. My heart so heavily with pain. I wish the love I

can see so clearly now, belong to us again
 

A candle burns at both ends, a fire racing flame. Mind

is cluttered full of lies, and all your answers sound

the same. I don't know what to think, to much is on my

mind. Nothing seems the way it should, and I'm running

out of time. The wick is disappearing, someone please

tell me what to do.. My mind tells me that it is over,

but I'm still missing you.
 

We gaze at the stars, imaginary ones will do. Whatever

it takes to be with you. Wrapped in your arms , our

heartbeat combined. So close together our souls

intertwine. Together all night as one, that night may

be over, but we've just begun. My love for you grows,

with each passing day. I never thought it possible to

love this way. The dreaded day has come to say goodbye.

But our love will last, it is obvious why. Our love is

strong, and it will stay through the years, it will

shine through the laughter and brave through the tears.

It will live through all the good and bad. And remind us

each day of the blessing we had. You are gone now, but

remain in my soul, left with only thought of you. My

heart remains whole.
 
 

My love tank has been empty for many years. My mother

had provided for her physical needs but had not

realized the deep emotional struggle ragging inside me.

The emotional need for love, however it is not simply

a childhood phenomenon. The need follows us into

adulthood, and into marriage. After we come down from

the high of the in love obsession, the emotional need

for love resurfaces, because it is fundamental to our

nature. I thought my father left because he didn't love

me, and when my mother remarried. I felt she had

someone to love her, but I still had none to love me.
 

As I lie here alone tonight, I start to cry, you broke

my heart when you said goodbye, and left me here to die.

All I can do is ask myself why.. why did you have to lie

For all you have put me through my heart is still true,

I'll never understand why you do what you do. But I'll

forever be in love with you.
 

I gave you to many reasons to walk away. You know I

love you, but I just can't take this, so please listen

to me. I spent to much time thinking about myself,

never acknowledging your needs, how could I have been

in so deep?
 

There you stood right in before of me, and I never knew

Mr. Right was gonna be you. The painful memories of

my past shine through, and therefore I am not sure what

I am to do. So please be patient and hold on too.
 

As I lied there and cried you stuck your dick in my

ass and I almost died. My face I tried to hide. You

asked me if it hurt, and of course I lied, as you just

continued to ride.
 
 

I see that she's not treating you right, I see the

tears you try to hide. She's making the same mistakes

I did. I promise I won't make those mistakes again, if

you give me just one more chance
 

Can someone please tell me what love is... Is it the

tears that we all cry, the emptiness that we all feel...

Is it the pain that we all receive, the loneliness that

makes us want to die... That's what I think love is.
 

My world has ended, but yours keeps on spinning. My

life is over, yet you keep on living. My heart is broken

my hopes are gone, all I can do is cry. Yet you keep

going on. I drown in my sorrows, I'm in the pits of my

despair. All I need is a breath of fresh air. I fight

for what is left of my pitiful life, but it doesn't

matter. I don't have an ounce of pride left. I need you

know, I needed you then, help me, lend out your hand.

It's to late, I've fallen to far into the misery of my

broken heart.
 

You came and left without a warning, all at once I

looked and you were gone, and now your looking back at

me searching for a way that we can be like we were before

Now I'm back to what I knew before you, and my life

doesn't look the same. There's only so much I can say, so

please don't run away from what we have together. No

matter what I say to make you understand, it's all up to

you take the future in your hands... So please don't

keep me waiting. No one ever told me that every moment

without you would seem so long. I get so lonely and my

night have been so cold without you. Did I go and make

believe the way you held me. Was it real or just a game

my mind was playing on me?
 

God I'm going crazy, I can't get you out of my head.

My mind keeps recalling all of these memories. There's

just so much that I am feeling right now. You know it

hurts to hold on, and hurts even more to let go. I

remember all of the little thing, they mean the most.

And it brings a smile to my face.
 
 

I'm so deliberate because I am aware of how in the past

I would get sucked up and lose my sense of myself. If

everything you are is based on a relationship, and it

falls apart, you lose everything. The pain of being

involved with someone for a long time and then losing

them, and not having a sense of yourself left is awful.

That's why it would take me so long to rebuild
 

I seen you the other day hand in hand with her, you

looked at me and smiled. Right there and then I could

feel my heart breaking once again. As I lie here in our

lonely bed. I picture you holding her close, loving her

the way you did me. I awake in the middle of the night

reaching out for you, but your not there, As I start to

cry all our memories come back to me. I call your

number just to hear your voice, I sometimes wonder if

you do the same. How can I get it through to you, it's

me you love. So please come back. I can't imagine the

rest of my life without you.
 

My heart has been broken to many times. I find it so

hard to love anymore. I'm not even sure I know what

love really is.
 

Does it make you feel good to see me in pain, to see

me cry, to beg you to come back to me, to do as you say.

I can't do it anymore. I know I've said it before, but

I keep coming back for more....why.
 

My love for you is strong, so hard to hide and so hard

to let go. My pain builds inside me slowly to break me

down. The walls will someday fall, my heart to be lost

forever. Where to turn which road is right for love,

will I ever know
 
 

The time had come we both said goodbye, we agreed that

we both gave it our best try. As our hearts are left to

die, as we ask one another why We both went a little crazy, we both did each other

wrong. I don't think it's to late baby, I don't think

that all hope is gone. It'd be easy to say it doesn't

matter, to walk away and wish you the best. But I know

we would feel a whole lot better, if we tried a little

tenderness. Let's put our differences aside, we can make

it, you and I. Let's give it one more try, we can't

let this thing die. Can't we give it one

more try
 
 

How can you feel alone at night, even when I am by your

side. Can you hear me laughing in the wind, does it ease

your mind. If you ever see me again, I will always be

your friend, Like an angels heart, I'll blend within the

wind.
 

We lead to different lives, just like to lines that

never cross. I watch you coming to me, walking in the

pouring rain. I can't help looking at you, wishing I

could stay away. I can't help thinking, when I look into

your eyes... How much I need you, it's so hard to hide.
 

Shattered dreams an memories of you, left hanging over

me. A cross to bear, when love cools. A crown of thorns

for the queen of fools.
 

Every night without you is more than I can bear,

moonlight can be torture when your love isn't there.

I see you in the shadows, I can hear you in the wind.
 

When you came walking in, I went crazy, wondering where

you had been, I think maybe I just fell in love again.
 

Be still my heart just hush, I'll get rid of this big

bad crush. If only you knew how much I cared, the kind

of love I have for you is rare. You don't even know my

hearts on fire, you're the one that I desire. I dream of

kissing your sweet lips, but when I awake away you slip.

I wish I could tell you how I feel, then your touches

I wouldn't have to steal. You would be mine, I wouldn't

have to dream. I could be with you always, I wouldn't

have to scheme. This secret is so hard to keep, into my

heart it etched so deep.
 

The world is crowded with people, but in my heart, it's

as empty as a desert. There are two paths you can go

by, but in the long run, there's still time to change

the road you are on. Here's my heart don't break it...
 

One by one i locked each door, and soon forgot what love

was for, but i never gave up hoping'. so I left just one

door open in case you found me....
 

Have you ever had one of those nights when you just lie

awake. staring at the ceiling, until the dawn breaks...

If you heard goodbye and something inside won't heal,

if a memory won't sett you free, and you know it never

will...then you know how I feel...
 

Many times I have tried to tell you the things I have

done, but when I think how it would hurt you

somehow the words don't come. I just can't risk tearing

us apart. so the truth will always be buried in my

heart....
 

You left without saying "I love you", and that makes

3 days in a row. now that you are tired of pretending

it time that I let you know. there must be a better way

of saying it's over, where nobody walks away with tears

in their eyes. when I think of you I'll remember how

you looked at me when we met... but the way you are

looking at me now, I'll do my best to forget
 

I don't believe that we are through, I don't believe

that it is over, lets forget who is right or wrong,

and remember we belong together. lets forgive and

forget and start over. we all make mistakes now and

then, I don't want to love another, I just want to

love you again....
 

I see your eyes, and my soul dances. Wondering if you

will ever take a chances on such a whimsical love.

Still I hold hope I might one day look into those eyes

again, and not just a picture that does portray the

beauty and softness of your skin. To see you and touch

you, and hold your hand perhaps to steal a kiss. A

shout it out across the land that you're the one I miss.
 

Your eyes so shiny and bright, and your tongue gives

me such delight. You above me is such a wonderful sight,

and when you enter me my head becomes light. With you

there is no struggle or fight, because you fit so right.
 

My heart is full of pain, I just don't know how to get

you back. There's so much we have been through, how can

you just forget about it all... I can't. Everyday there

is something knew, that brings those memories back.

We've been through this time and time again, but we have

always worked things out, what's so different this time?

I love you to much to let you go this easily.
 

When I seen you there holding her close, all I could do

was stand there, as my eyes filled with tears. You

looked so in love, so happy like we used to be. I can't

believe we drifted so far apart. So there's nothing left

anymore, it's time to say goodbye. I'll never forget

you... I love you
 

Change will come, change is here.

Love fades out, then love appears.

Change has been, change will be.

Time will tell, then time will ease
 
 
 
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I'll never love anyone as much as I loved him, he will

forever be in control of my heart. I have built my world

around him, and without him I struggle to go on. He has

hurt me over and over again, but it has only made my

heart grow stronger, and fall deeper and deeper in love.

It"s him I will forever love.
 

You could have given me a million reasons why, but it

wouldn't change a thing. You said it all when you chose

her. I am spending my time alone, trying to forget the

memories, forget I love you, forget that you chose her

over me.
 

Where's my Daddy, I wonder all of the time. Someone

please tell me where is that Daddy of mine. Daddy if

you're out there, there's something I must know...

Daddy do you love me, and where did you go.
 

He who knows nothing, loves nothing. He who can do

nothing, understands nothing. He who understands nothing

is worthless. But he who understands also loves
 

You broke my heart when you would say goodbye, and

drive away leaving me there to cry. I though the world

of you, I defended you to the end, and this is what you

put me through. I waited so long for you to come back

for me, all you wanted was to be free. Well Daddy you

got what you asked for. Now I know you don't love me

anymore. I'm a big girl now. I should be able to deal

with this, but it is you Daddy I have always missed.
 

If one could stop time, or make it up. If two could

realize the best of luck. If I could locate a God above,

and you only wanted to be loved, then I would try to

hold on to the past. But you know that nothing lasts.

It's time to move on and let the past go, I waited here

for you, but you never showed. I have tried to hold on

to the past, but I couldn't keep my grasp, cause nothing

lasts
 

Once a relationship is attainable I don't want it.

Maybe it's just the challenge I want. It's as if I am

saying...I can have him, so I don't want him. I'll find

someone else I can't have.
 
 

We agreed that things were through, we both had found

someone new. I thought that I would always love you, I

guess that my heart wasn't true. But to love you again

I will never do.
 

Love's an emotion to be shared between two, not a game

where the winner is you. If you ever loved me, I never

really knew. But it doesn't matter now because we

are through
 

You said you'd never break my heart again, so we gave

it one more try. You hurt me so bad I wanted to die.

There's nothing left between us, as I lie here and cry.
 

Lets take our time, love last forever, over and over

we'll love together. Kiss me hold me tight, and lets

get wet tonight. Happiness is pleasing you. Hold me and

kiss my body. Only you can make me....you know.
 

Jealousy laced with hate, enemies on all sides. I can

see no end to this confusion, fear in their eyes,

alone I must die....

Sympathy my ears will never hear you. Misery you are

mine. Love is free, a lie. On my knees, fuck this life,

alone I must die....

They thought I was insane, because I wanted to die.
 

Every little picture hanging on the wall, every little

trace of you I have found them all. I close my eyes,

it's all I can do. Every where I look I see some part

of you.
 

I would of done so much for him, but he didn't care. He

meant the world to me, but was never there. I gave so

much to make it work, but he didn't even try. Now my

world is falling apart, since he said goodbye. He has

is eye on someone new, he treats her very good. I can't

help but wonder why, he didn't treat me like he should.

Now I have a broken heart, that maybe time will heal. I

wish I had another chance, to tell him how I feel. Now

I sit here lonely, with no-one to love. Not just anyone

will do, when it's you I'm thinking of.
 

As I sit here thinking of you, I think of those eyes so

shiny and blue, your touch so soft, your words so kind,

and these things of yours are no longer mine. The days

together, the nights alone, I loved you before, and

always will. Wouldn't it be perfect is you loved me

still.
 

You gave me forgiveness, but could not forget. No I

should have never told you, what I will live to regret.

The truth lies between us, and I can't take it back.

Here I am, there you are, we're so far apart. Let's

pretend that I have never been in his arms, in his

heart. Can't we just start all over again?
 

I'm bursting with emotion, and I don't know what to do.

My heart feels torn in many ways, and it's all because

of you. Each night I lie in bed to sleep, but all I do

is cry. You've hurt me in so many ways, I feel like I

could die. My hopes my dreams, my happy thoughts, they

have all faded away. And everything would be different

now, if only you would stay. I used to trust so easily,

but you made me disappear. When you left you took my

heart, now all I feel is fear. I fear that I might once

again, be caught in someone else's trap, and in the end

alone again. Someday I hope to love again, someone

who'll always be there. But for now I can't help but

wonder, oh why couldn't you just care.
 

He knew how to reach me deep inside, and he found part

of me I could not hide. And we'd walk and talk, and

touch tenderly. Then he'd lay me down, and make love to

me. We built a love so strong it could not break, there

was not a road we were not afraid to take.
 

My knees start to shake, when your in sight. My minds

filled with wonder, and my heart with fright. When will

this feeling stop...when did it start? How can I listen

to my mind, without breaking my heart. I am so confused

What should I do? I can't think of anything except you.

Should I ignore you, or just give this time? I can't

think straight, my heart controls my mind.
 

I lie in a pile of daisies, thinking of you. I pull one

out and hold it close to my heart, wishing you were here

The flower delicately touch my face, and the cool breeze

feels good in the warm sun. I pull a petal, I whisper

into the wind, "he loves me'. I lay the flower on the

ground, not wanting to pull another. I knew.....

The only important thing is....I love you.
 

The good times I smiled, the bad I cried. There was so

much to learn, and so much more you would hide. I

thought I loved you, I thought it was you I could

confide. I let my walls down easy, and opened my heart

wide. To a fantasy, a make believe dream, because you

lied.
 

I'm not saying I have all of the answers, and I don't

care who is right or wrong. I'm trying to pick up the

pieces already fallen, and put them back where they

belong. We've slammed every door in anger, and we've

opened wounds we can't mend. And one night lonely is

one too many. Don't want to wake up to one more night

that won't end. When late nights and long lies came

knocken, you'd just invite them in. And our voices got

too loud for talkin, and my heart hits the floor, but

you kept walkin. If cryin is the only way you hear, me

hurting for the love that I can't live without. If love

ain't the only way into your heart, then leaving is my

only way out.

The words I feel I need to say could never really express the words I feel deep inside of me.  You are such a true angel, and I noticed you are shining brighter and brighter each and every time I see you. And if I had to the past all over again, I wouldn't give up those years with you, I see now only the good times. All the times you made me laugh myself to tears and all the times you made me cry with happiness from something nice you did for me. And I know I loved you so deeply, or I  wouldn't have felt my heart truly breaking during the sad times. But now are paths are going separate ways, and sometimes it is so hard for me to be "me" without you. To depend on me, to take care of me, to take care of my life, to love myself, and just get to know me and whoever I am. Because you did such a good job doing all those things for me. You didn't do anything wrong, I see that now. You only loved me, had faith in me, you believed in me when I couldn't. You did everything you could for me so I could see who I truly am. You saw it, but couldn't see it because of my own lack of self worth. You were only teaching me from the very beginning to stand up for me and who I am. But I want you to know that I love you because you loved me when I was not only happy, alive and well, and full of life, but also when I was sad, sick, and depressed... And my only desire for you is for you to be truly happy, and to be loved and feel loved as the truly special angel from heaven you are. I will always love you in this life and all of other lives, as my best friend, my companion, my knight in shining armor, my love, and my true soul mate. And these words are not to keep you chained to me, but to set you free. For I know that in this life and all our lives past I know we have had together, that only the love was real. All the rest was just an illusion to perfect ourselves for our last life together...to be together , forever, on earth, just as we are in heaven.
 

Love is a feeling beyond expression.  It is a deep tug at your heart when you are not looking. Love cries, it bleeds, it hurts, it tears your would apart. But if you follow the path, love can lead you beyond your dreams. It takes your heart to levels never before experienced. Love thrusts you into the arms of another, creating a fantasy surrounding you while you try to figure it out. Go ahead, ponder it, concentrate it, try to explain it.  You can't...Love is love. It can't be described, explained, or given in a box. But when you have it, you know it. It is safety, honesty, loyalty, and friendship.   Love makes you cry when you sleep alone. Love has more power then any one thing in the world.   Love... find it, accept it, feel it, realize it.  All else will fall into place.
 

I miss you, I know that we've said our goodbyes, And I know that we have gone our separate ways, But I still miss you. I wish that people were like chalkboards, and we could wash our memories clean. But were not, and we can't. Yet despite the anger that I feel sometimes, I still miss you. We were happy once, and I remember those times. I remembered how we smiled and laughed, and how you held my heart in your hand. I remember the tears and the fights, and how I took my heart back, bruised and slightly wilted. But still somehow, I still miss you.

 

When I think of you I think of tear stained pillows,

Staying up for hours talking to you on the phone,

Trying to work out our problems without really TRYING,

"I just wish it would all go away"

Wishing I could hurt you half as much as you had hurt me...

But I still cried for weeks when we finally parted ways.

What was it about your crocodile tears,

That made me think I was so helpless and could not survive without you?

Now I know that I will survive,

Because you never deserved me anyway.

You deserve someone that will be as heartless and insensitive as you.

I think that I confused you with someone else that day that I fell so hard.

But you are the one that needs to move on,

Because I am too far past your lying eyes to care about whatever words you have left to say.

There's no turning back now...

And no we can't be friends.

 

Memories of love and memories of pain,

Memories of you sayin nothing would change.

Time lost forever and time I cannot get back.

Despite the promise you make you can't change that.

Lover lost and lover that's gone.

And I'm left to live my life all alone.

Pain in goodbye and pain in my heart,

Saying goodbye  to you is slowly tearing me apart.

No hope in tomorrow and no hope in today,

Nothing but emptiness since you went away.

Wishing on stars wishing in vain,

Wondering why my love for you still remains.

Down in the dumps down in despair,

Now that I know you will no longer be there.

Losing all faith losing my mind,

Missing you even more with the passing time.

Promises you made and promises unkept,

But there's no more promises now that you've left.

Tears in my eyes tears on my face,

Longing to be held once again in your embrace.

Pictures of you pictures of me,

Memories of how we used to be,

Knowing were through and knowing were done,

Remembering when you and I were one.

 

I stare out the window in a solemn state,

wondering if you had really loved me,

Or if it was too late.

You knew that I needed you,

But you could not take that chance.

You knew that I really loved you,

But you just let time pass.

For the days you didn't need me,

How it made my heart weep.

Mournful...sadness.....

Unable to sleep.

 

There was once a day, where I wanted you.

There were days where I needed you to want me too.

But that day is not today....and it will never be tomorrow

 

I knew I hurt you, just like I have done so many times before,

I often wonder how many times you'll forgive me, before you walk out the door.

I can't tell you how sorry I am, I don't mean for things like this to take place.

You don't know the pain I feel too, when  I see that hurt upon your face.

But there were things that you did too, I wasn't the only one.

You also hurt me pretty bad, when all was said and done.

You may think that I am childish, but you don't really know the facts.

I have my reasons for what I do, and I have my reasons for the way I act.

You have to accept me for who I am, and loving you is part of me.

My friendship and love go hand in hand, but only time can make you see.

 

Daddy do you love me, do you truly care?

Daddy can you hear me, why aren't you ever there.

Daddy do you miss me, do you see we've grown apart.

When you walked away that night, you took away my heart.

Daddy do you remember, when I was still your child?

You cared for me and loved me, with hands so strong and mild.

Daddy did I cause it, did I make you go away?

Why don't you love me now, why did you not stay?

Daddy I'm sorry that you left me, but I did not get to choose.

Why must life be so hard, why must I always lose?

Daddy do you think of me, as the years pass slowly by?

Are you ever sorry, do you ever cry?

I hope you feel the hurting, because I have felt the pain.

I can no longer call you Daddy, because Daddy's not your name.

 

As I was growing up I never did fear,

That there may come a day my sister's weren't there.

When we were children there was a bond that grew,

We did not realize then what that bond would bring us through.

Then we became teenagers only interested in boys,

That's when we left behind all of our childhood toys.

The oldest sister had a child of her own,

That made me feel sad and terribly alone.

My other sisters tried to give me advice,

But I made my own choices and paid the price.

The fear of growing up, the fighting, and tears,

Brought us all together for many years.

Next we were all married and went our own way,

Bust with our own children day after day.

As the bond between us began to break,

It left all of us with terrible heartache.

So  many years so much love that has passed,

Please God bring us together and make it last.

I will leave with a huge hole in my heart,

Because I know my sisters and I will be apart.

Dear sisters forgive me for all I have done wrong,

I love you my sisters and because of that we must be strong.

We took for granted all the times we have had,

But please my sisters don't be sad.

We will walk as children together to Heaven above,

And nothing will ever tear apart our love.

Now my sisters you know how I feel,

We will always be together  because it's Gods will.  

 

 

    As posted in the Lost Angels chat on September 26, 2000

 

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