Doc Holliday gets a Dui
by Jack Corbett

Things were not the same in Tombstone with Doc Holliday and Wyatt Earp on a rampage. Since the gun fight at the OK corral the outlaws had become scarce which really pissed Harvey Martin off since he owned the general store in town. Everything sold in this part of Arizona territory was sold by him and bullet sales had plummeted now that a man was no longer being killed every day. Morever horse shoe sales were down now that posses were not chasing down as many outlaws. Harvey's friend Riggy Mortis, Tombstone's undertaker, was also pissed off now that funerals were only twenty-five percent of what they had been. Riggy had once said-----"Murder's great business. I just wish we could get John Wesley Hardin to move into town. I sent him a telegram and he had replied: "Sorry Riggy, but I'm a Texan and Arizona is just not big enough for a man of my talent. There are more Texans to kill than Arizonians so I'd just as soon stay here." Sheriff Behind was pissed off because crime had gone way down since the town had made Earp Marshall. People were laughing at him behind his back, saying he had become a lazy fat fuck who spent all his time in the coffee houses while collecting a pay check.

The three men had just met for dinner. Finishing it and whatever bitching they felt they had to get out they had just come out of the restaurant to gather up their horses when they heard loud music coming from the Bird Cage Theater. Harvey was the first man to speak: "Place is getting noisier each night. People are just having too good of a time there and that's not good for the peace and tranquility this territory needs. Let's check it out men.

The Bird Cage Theater, although it often attracted feature entertainers from across the U.S. who performed on stage to the raucous amusement of a crowd of cowboys, gamblers, tradesmen, and other upstanding citizens was just a glorified old west saloon that had lots of half naked women running around, two tiers of boxes upstairs where a man could watch the performances down below while getting it on with his favorite saloon girl, and lots of liquor that was sold in huge quantities. This time there was no stage performance. Just a band that Earp had hired.

Walking through a swinging door that had twenty-four bullet holes in it, Sheriff Behind almost collided with Doc Holliday, already on his seventh macho mug of beer after drinking a fifth of whiskey. Doc had just cleaned out four employees from Harvey's general store at the gambling tables and was drinking even more than usual since cleaning out one of Harvey's boys always made him feel good about life. He had just reprimanded one of the dancers for wearing too much clothing and not dancing wildly enough and was now showing her what he and Earp expected of the girls.

"Listen up," Doc told the saloon girl. "Take your top off like this", as he took off his shirt, "so that your breasts stand out just like mine. And if you are gonna dance, do it right. Don't worry about what people think. Do you think I give a shit?" Doc continued as he mounted a near by chair. Then he started to hump the chair in front of the crowd much like modern day topless dancers lap dance their customers. The girl started to laugh. Most of the girls at the Bird Cage got a kick out of Doc's antics and felt the place wouldn't be the same without him. They despised men like Sheriff Behind, Harvey Martin, and Riggy Mortis. More than one of them had spread the rumor that when Sheriff Behind paid for sex upstairs he usually came in his pants before he even got his dick out. Riggy Mortis was another object of their scorn. The word was although he had a perpetual hard on, he never could come, and his penis was dull and lifeless. Best that he stay in that funeral home of his they had confided in each other. But Riggy just couldn't leave the girls alone. Although the number of deaths had dramatically declined he still seemed to have plenty of money to spare. Sometimes the girls laughed openly at Sheriff Behind and Riggy Mortis. They were more careful around Harvey Martin who was the biggest spender of the three.

"Now Harvey has this problem," one of the girls was saying to her friends. "Most of you know what I'm talking about since he's fucked just about everyone of us. Unlike Sheriff Behind he usually doesn't come in his pants. He usually lasts about twenty seconds which at least gets him into penetration. The good thing about him is he's practically insatiable because he never really gets fully satisfied which means he keeps coming back to us again and again. So we have to be nice to him since he's a pretty good meal ticket."

Nevertheless, all three men had one thing in common. They were all lousy in bed. Only their fat wives really put up with them and only because no one else in town would screw them--even with somebody else's dick. Since no one else would have them the three women put up with their husband's jaunts to the Bird Cage Theater in the hopes that they wouldn't come back home expecting to get laid.

None of the three women had been properly fucked for years. And Sheriff Behind's wife had resorted to trying to get the family's German shepherd to have sex with her. For months she had tried but the dog just couldn't get it up for her. But although the three wives were the most sexually frustrated women in town, they weren't the only ones. If anything Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday who were immensely popular with the saloon girls, had became a catalyst that brought all the town's sexually frustrated women and men together.

Doc Holliday had become well known for his drunken escapades. To Doc getting drunk, doing a lot of fucking, and cutting up in public made perfect sense. After all, he had tuberculosis and knew he had only a few years to live. But Doc was one of those very special philosophers of life who comes along only once in a great while. He had reasoned that all men and women are terminal. "After all," he had once told Earp, "every man and woman has one thing in common and that is that each one of them is going to die someday. So why can't they be like me and enjoy themselves?"

Tombstone had never seen the likes of Doc. The man drunk or sober always had a quick wit and seemed to never fail to have a good time. Although he was courageous and handy with the gun the number of men who had died before his guns had been grossly exaggerated. He really didn't like killing people and had only shot three men all of whom deserved it.

But Sheriff Behind, Riggy Mortis, Harvey Martin and their wives hated him since they couldn't blame themselves for their miserable existences, instead finding Doc a convenient scape goat. They also blamed Wyatt Earp who along with his brothers had brought some semblance of law and order to the town. Holiday and the Earps had also killed several members of the Clanton Mclowery bunch most of whom had been popular with most of the town's citizens. Earp and Holiday had talked it out together after the OK Coral gun fight both of them concluding that except for Billy Clanton, the whole bunch were a mediocre cowardly group of loud mouths and that most of the citizens of Tombstone could identify with them since most of them were also cowardly, mediocre, braggarts.

Already upset after seeing Holliday and the saloon girl cutting up together Sheriff Behind saw Earp standing next to two cowboys at the bar which really pissed him off since Earp was courageous, imposing and over six feet tall. Sheriff Behind was also jealous of Earp's and Holiday's warm friendship with each other since he didn't have any friends unless one counts Riggy Mortis and Harvey Martin. But although the relationship among the three men was based upon spreading gossip about people they didn't like and the mutual profit of the three, each man distrusted the others to the core.

Although he was already feeling the alcohol, Holiday caught the undercurrent of jealousy and hatred that seemed to flow out from the three men, and laughed to himself--"Wait till they see my latest prank" Then he left the saloon after telling the saloon girl he would be back. Doc had painted a large sign which he had carefully hidden in an alley next to the saloon. Next to the sign he had placed a ladder. Ten minutes later the job was done. Taking down the saloon's sign that read "The Bird Cage Theater" he quickly nailed up his sign which read "The Riot House on Holiday Hill". Holiday had planned the job well hoping he would be seen. Still up on the ladder he watched a man approach the saloon, squint his eyes as he read the sign, then hasten into the saloon. "Off to tell on me--to report me to Sheriff Behind," Holiday laughed to himself. Then he climbed down the ladder and went back into the saloon where he once again found the saloon girl. He started making out with her looking up just often enough to catch the snitch walking up to Sheriff Behind. Sheriff Behind's face went red as he looked over at Doc who by this time had his tongue deep into the saloon girl's mouth. Then he walked outside with that walk of self importance that only he seemed to manage.

That night Sheriff Behind called an emergency meeting of Tombstone's most "upstanding" citizens which included Riggy Mortis, Harvey Martin and the wives of the three men. Only one man at the council secretly sided with Wyatt Earp and Doc Holiday. This was Jim Martin, Harvey Martin's son who Harvey had beaten from the time he was six. Now in his twenties Jim Martin no longer worried about his father who in his later years, remembering what he had done to him, often wetted his bed thinking about it.

"Ladies and gentlemen. We have an emergency on our hands," Harvey announced as he started the meeting. Both Earp and Holiday have gone too far. Earp and his brothers are murderers and yet we haven't done anything about it. They gunned down the Clantons and Mcloweries in cold blood and Holiday helped them. And now..this Doc Holiday--he's become a disgrace to the community. He keeps hanging out at the Bird Cage Saloon where he's corrupting the whole town. Why just tonight I saw him lap dancing a chair, then saw him publicly stick his tongue down a lady's throat."

"That was disgusting," said Riggy Mortis. "I saw it too."

"There is no question that no woman in town is safe while Holiday's lurking about, " said Sheriff Behind. "How do you ladies feel about it?" he said as he looked over at his 300 pound wife.

"I am afraid to go out at night," Behind's wife replied. Every night I live in fear just thinking about Holiday catching me in an alley and trying to force himself on me if you know what I mean."

"I have had nightmares about him," Riggy Mortis's wife added. He's disgusting. There is no telling how many of my friends have been raped by him who are too scared to talk about it."

"It looks like it is decided then," Harvey Martin continued. "I move that we fire Earp as town Marshall and give him his walking papers. We owe it to the safety of the community to send this killing machine on his way. As to Holiday I think we need to send him to prison. That should get rid of him."

"How are you going to do that?" said Sheriff Behind.

"Simple. There is a law on our books against public drunkenness. Of course no one's ever enforced it. And--if a man is found out riding his horse when he's really drunk, he can get five year's in prison. If we can put him in prison for five year's Doc will probably die of tuberculosis and never darken our door steps again."

"We need a motion," said Riggy Mortis. "I'll make it. I move that we relieve Riot, I mean, Wyatt Earp, of his responsibilities as town Marshall and I also move that if we find Doc Holiday out riding his horse while he's drunk that we arrest him, then try him."

"I second the first motion and the second," Sheriff Behind said heavily, having practiced all his life speaking in grave tones, hoping that people would respect him.

"Unless someone objects and enough votes are taken, both motions will pass," said Harvey Martin. No one objected, not even Harvey's son, Jim, who knew voting against the motions would be pointless and that it would tip his hand. He had already decided to murder his father and had been biding his time so he would not be a suspect.

Jim Martin couldn't believe what was happening around him. Here the Earps and Holiday had cleaned up Tombstone which was no longer the murder capital of the American West. And while both men were beloved at the Bird Cage Theater and the other saloons in town most of the town was dead set against them. "The Mothers for a More Boring Nation, that's what these people are," he thought to himself. "Bunch of hypocritical women and pussy assed men who want to force us to think the way they do, live the way they want us to live, and ram it down our throats. Where were they when people were being gunned down in Tombstone every day? Cowering under their tables?"

Holiday was by now on his eleventh Macho mug which was a lot considering that each macho mug held several bottles of beer. Wyatt Earp had long ago joined him along with Holiday's saloon girl friend and another working girl and was on his seventh. Although Holiday usually stayed at a hotel in town he was now living with the saloon girl at a ranch two miles outside of town.

"Why don't you two come out and stay with us at the ranch tonight?" Doc suggested. "I have plenty of beer left over there."

"Good idea Doc. I have to stay low key around this town. I don't want everyone to think I'm a drunk," said Wyatt as he ordered his eighth macho mug. So I'll do my serious drinking out in the country over at your place. "

"We have to head out now, " Doc continued. Place is about to close. Just come on out after you get done making your rounds."

The Mothers for a More Boring Nation were ready for Doc one mile out of town, having planned their ambush carefully. Always seeming to have a way with a buck, Riggy Mortis, had somehow convinced the City Council into buying two special carriages he had altered to fit the needs of law enforcement. When the killings in Tombstone had reached their peak Riggy Mortis had three horse drawn hearses just in case one of them or two of them broke down. Or if he had two burials at the same time which often happened. Back in those days Riggy Mortis had been severely overworked. Thankfully he had a son named Post Mortis to help him. Riggy and Post Mortis had specially outfitted the two hearses they no longer needed with special equipment needed for the town's police work. Each hearse now sported two special kerosene lights with red lenses which could be used for flagging down horsemen found disobeying the law. No longer needing the long enclosures in the back of the carriages for dead bodies, Riggy Mortis had shortened the back enclosure from seven feet to four and had extended the forward cab by three feet to allow for special seats to be put in for the convenience of the police officers. He knew that most police officers enjoyed banging women in their vehicles while on duty and that they often arrested prostitutes then offered to let them go after they fucked the officers. Riggy Mortis had made seats that could be flopped over backwards to make beds for all the sex he was certain would take place in his Riggie Post Mortis Chief's specials which he called his new specially designed horse drawn carriages. It hadn't cost him much to alter his hearses and he had tripled his money when his two friends, Sheriff Behind and Harvey Martin rammed the city of Tombstone's purchases past the City Council.

In return Riggy Mortis and Post Mortis who was also on the City Council continued to vote for a zoning ordinance that prohibited new General Stores from being built within two miles of the city limits which gave Harvey Martin a monopoly on all business a general store would typically conduct in a city like Tombstone. Riggy and Post Mortis also continued to back Sheriff Behind as Sheriff along with their two wives Aggravating Mortis and Necromania Mortis who were also on the City Council.

Riggy Mortis was saddened to let the two hearses go even though they tripled his money. With only one hearse in his driveway he no longer felt the neighbors would regard him as a man of wealth and influence the way they had in the past. So he bought two new hearses and outfitted the compartments where dead bodies were placed with six little seats. This spawned two new businesses. The first was the transportation of Chinese immigrants into Tombstone and the surrounding area where they worked in the mines and on the ranches for peanuts. The Mortises called the new busing company RigPost Mortis Enterprises and started to charge the Chinese not only their bus fare but also a fee for getting them their low paying jobs. The two new vehicles started to do double duty in still a third business which was the illegal transportation of opium for the new Chinese residents to a ranch outside Tombstone's City Limits that was owned and operated by Harvey Martin.

There are mountains just a few miles outside of Tombstone. Leading up to these mountains are foothills composed of large boulders. There is a point just one mile from Tombstone where the road to the ranch Holiday was staying at narrows into a defile between two large rock formations. At that point it is impossible for one carriage to pass another one. Sheriff Behind had placed one of the two police carriages crossways at the head of this defile so that nothing could get by it, not even a horse. He had carefully hidden the other carriage behind a large boulder a hundred yards behind the blocking carriage.

Doc Holiday, although a lot could be said for him and against him, was definitely not a wuss. Doc had always regarded carriages as vehicles for sissies. The saloon girl sat up on his horse behind him, her arms around his waist. Doc held the bridle in his right hand with a silver flask of whisky in his left. Since the desert air gets much cooler into the night Doc regarded the silver flask of whiskey as a necessity while traveling on horseback once the sun went down.

"Here, have some, " Doc said to the girl as he handed the flask back to her. "It will warm you up."

"I'm glad you are a drinking man," the girl replied. "I'd freeze my ass off if you weren't."

Suddenly Doc saw the red lights come on in front of him as the police officers lit the wicks to the two kerosene lights. Immediately he spun the horse around as he jammed his spurs into the horse's sides. He was too late. The other carriage pulled out from behind the boulder and started to come up behind him. He was fenced in with cliffs of stone on either side of him, a large carriage in front of him with another carriage advancing behind him. He had nowhere to turn.

"What's going on here?" Doc called out to the police officers behind him.

"You are under arrest, the two officers replied as Riggy Mortis, Sheriff Behind and Harvey Martin started walking up to him from the other carriage.

"What for?" asked Doc. " I haven't done anything."

"You have gone too far, Doc, "said Harvey Martin. "You are drunk. And you are drinking while riding a horse. Not only are you being charged with driving your horse under the influence of alcohol but you are also being charged with defacing the Bird Cage Saloon with that sign of yours, lap dancing a chair, and Indecent Exposure when you took your shirt off in the Bird Cage Theater. Not to mention lewd and lascivious misconduct when you jammed your tongue into your girl friend's mouth in front of everyone. You should be ashamed of yourself."

"Fuck off, you drug running hill billy," Doc spat out at Harvey Martin.

"Hand cuff him Behind," Harvey told the Sheriff.

Doc got twenty years in the penitentiary for the DUI and the other charges. The Mothers for a More Boring Nation infiltrated the towns throughout the American West. Although Doc was imprisoned in the State of Arizona he was moved to Glenwood, Colorado away from the dry desert air of Arizona which might have prolonged his life. In the much cooler air of the Colorado Mountains tuberculosis ate deeper into Doc's lungs. The Glenwood, Colorado chapter of the Mothers for a More Boring Nation mounted a clever cover up by altering the Glenwood hospital's records which verified that Doc Holiday died of tuberculosis as a patient. Meanwhile Wyatt Earp never served as a town marshall again. The Mothers for a More Boring Nation in every Western community made sure of that after they blacklisted him in Tombstone. Riggy Mortis continued to import Chinese into Tombstone and expanded his opium running into other cities throughout the West. His descendants multiplied as they continued to smuggle drugs taking names such as Kristal Mortis, Heroin Mortis, THC Mortis, LSD Mortis, Morphine Mortis, Crack Mortis, and Cocaine Mortis. No longer riding in converted horse drawn hearses the Mothers for a More Boring Nation's vehicle of choice is the mini van while saloons such as the Birds Cage Theater have developed into the modern topless club--with names like Miss Kittys (remember Gun Smoke), Dollies, Roxies, Crystal Palace, and Gold Rush club.

No wonder we like them so much. If they were good enough for real men like Doc Holiday and Wyatt Earp they are good enough for us. But the Mothers for a More Boring Nation are still out there--jealous, conniving, conspiring bastards and bitches all of them.

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