Horror Scopetology

the all seeing eye

If you don't like what you read here, who cares. After all, it's the truth. Unlike all those other Mickey Mouse horoscopes, which is no more than a single writer's inept ramblings about something he thinks he believes in or has "seen" in the stars we are giving you what all of our writers see at once in our simultaneous vision quest as we tune our minds and imaginations into what the Cosmic Void osmotes to our collective consciousness.

Each month your Horror Scope will be delivered unto you by one of our writers. But you won't know which one, will you? This is being done so we can give you what you deserve, a true vision into what you can hope for, or dread, without our writers feeling any fear of recrimation from you.

Just remember, we didn't invite you here. You came because you wanted to.

August, 2002

"Killing I understand. Relationships confuse me."
- Anita Blake, Vampire Executioner

For the Professional Working Girl

Your Horror Scope

It is here where you cannot escape
the eternal truth being revealed

 


Libra Hold back. Stop a family member from crossing boundaries on the 6th. Remind him, you are too old to play 'Sit on Uncle's Knee.'

Single: Flirting draws a businessman to you midmonth, with an entire weekend and a full wallet to kill.

Attached: Drench yourself in perfume and jewelry to glam up while getting it on near the 22nd. The 'Pampered Princess' look especially appeals to the older gents.

At the Club: Hold your tongue when tempted to defend an associate around the 27th. Remember - shit splatters.

Get a Clue : Plan some downtime for yourself close to the 7th -- you need to lie back, relax and let him do all the work for a change.

Seducing the Libra Man -

Be challenging. Jupiter has him craving foreplay in the form of fun and games. Near the 22nd, daring him to meet you in public restrooms will inspire satisfying new
experiments.

Seduction days: 3rd, 18th, 22nd

 


 

AriesDon't Hold Back. Tap into Mercury's energy to put your foot down by the 27th. A very good day for boot worship; with your best leather thigh-highs and his
tongue.

Single: Around the 17th, a trouble-making guy gets your panties in a delightful twist. It's Your turn to be spanked!

Attached: Check out the Illustrated Kama Sutra for that truly interesting handstand position midmonth, when your sexual appetite craves something new.

At the Club: Fight your man-eating tendencies near the 12th. Stay at work to complete your feature tour, then go all out on a moonlight binge - just you and a few
men that you picked up as roadies.

Get a Clue : When asteroid Juno makes your personal life resemble The Osbournes, take a break from togetherness with the girls on an intimate beach trip until
the 12th. Don't forget to bring the hot oil and the champagne

Seducing the Aries Man -

Plan an Ambush. The way to wow your Ram this month is by bringing home a good friend to share. From the 5th on, your amorous ambushes, with several good
friends in tow, will ensure that he'll rise to the occasion.

Lust days: 7th, 13th, 26th.

 


 

Scorpio Thrill seek. Ride roller coasters and water slides during your Mars-induced need for speed on the 17th. Then go home with your mouth around him, daring him to drive normally while you take him slow and deep, in a race to see who finishes first.

Single: The cerebral hunk you meet near the 8th isn't passionate enough for you. Find a dumb blonde for a meaningful, overnight relationship.

Attached: Lock the closet doors when you and your guy crave a quickie at a friend's party around the 16th.

At the Club: Paranoia is powering your nerves until the 12th. This is a perfect time for trying out that new toy for some private masturbation.

Get a Clue : Forget your diplomacy and ditch any destructive relationships by month's end. There are too many guys who want to worship you, why settle for less?

Seducing the Scorpio Man -

Take it easy. Relive one of your most passionate sexual adventures around the 6th by re-creating the erotic events. This dirty déjà vu will translate into a long,
naughty night.

Seduction days: 10th, 20th, 29th

 

Capricorn Cash out. Selling your old costumes keeps your tight finances flush around the 12th. Single: You'll meet a shy guy (with a killer bod) at month's end. His sincerity is as real as the whopper in his pants.

Attached: Sneak down to the shore at night to really make waves on the 23rd.

At the Club: Watch your tongue, your opinion affects an employee's hiring or firing on the 5th -- remember that time she covered for you!

Get a Clue : Shake your way out of trouble all month, by showing your ass while Mars ups your sex appeal.

Seducing the Taurus Man -

Take the reins. Sensual Venus summons your serious guy to explore his submissive side on the 11th. So gently saddle him up and take him on a wild ride.

Seduction days: 5th, 14th, 24th


Sagitarius

Pamper yourself. Lose your good-girl approach around the 3rd and splurge at a spa. Those masseuses have wonderful hands.

Single: Enjoy X-rated action with the stud you meet close to the 17th. Say yes to a biker weekend!

Attached: A shared shower early in the month makes for a wet-and-wild passion session. It's a wonder you can fit all three girls in that shower with you!

At the Club: Slacking off will irritate work-mates, so skip long breaks and show them you still have what it takes.

Get a Clue : Staying out late on the 24th will lead to a memorable morning of mania flashing the early morning traffic.

Seducing the Sagittarius Man -

Be supportive. He'll need your help with communication challenges that Mercury delivers in around the 11th when temper has him in it's grip. Take his mind off matters with your mouth on his meat. Support him on a family drama and, later, he'll want to step up his commitment.

Seduction days: 11th, 17th, 23rd

 

GeminiKiss ass. Making nice to some old guy in a suit, close to the 7th, wins you a kinky contact with a weekend condo.

Single: When a man shortage occurs after the 2nd, dial a few ex's for a emergency booty calls.

Attached: Have brunch in bed on the 4th, then dinner, then early breakfast; because Mars's passion mandates that you won't be leaving the bed.

At the Club: Use your wit to calm a nervous client early in the month.

Get a Clue : You'll get revenge near the 6th, when vindictive Uranus humiliates an enemy.

Seducing the Gemini Man -

Get artsy. His sophisticated side rules his libido late in the month, thanks to Neptune. Bring body paint into the bedroom, along with a close friend, and offer to
pose nude, from any picture in the Khama Sutra he chooses.

Seduction days: 8th, 11th, 26th

 

 

Cancer Kick back. Downtime with friends, a case of brew and hot-oil twister relieves stress around the 11th.

Single: Sparks will fly if you force fate and "accidentally" fall into a crush's lap on the 31st. Just don't let management catch you breaking the rules. Offer to bend a few after work and early breakfast.

Attached: Your sex sessions may be lukewarm early in the month, but the 8th brings a scorcher with a tray of ice-cubes and some chocolate sauce.

At the Club: Be respectful when higher-ups solicit opinions midmonth; the job you're saving might be your own.

Get a Clue : Wait for it - After the 21st hit the sale racks when summer bargains and the guy in 'Speedos', catches your eye.

Seducing the Cancer Man  

Ease down. Work your shy guy into a frenzy this month by forgetting your panties and some tantalizing teasing. On the 13th, bring a friend then slowly disrobe and
give him a sensual massage together.

Seduction days: 2nd, 9th, 30th

 

CapricornBe cheap. Don't bust your budget during Venus' luxury-loving rule on the 10th, wait for one of your gentlemen to buy it for you.

Single: Hold off on going home with a dreamy dude around the 24th -- he'll turn into a stalking nightmare.

Attached: You'll crave alfresco amore midmonth, so pack bug spray and a thick blanket. Poison ivy is no fun in sensitive areas!

At the Club: An appealing job offer pops up near the 16th -- get all the facts before giving notice. The club owner may be offering you less than he's paying the rest
of his crew.

Get a Clue : Hit the highway with girlfriends around the 2nd for a raucous road trip. Make the trucker's happy by driving topless.

Seducing the Capricorn Man 

Kiss his cookies. Neptune makes your guy exceptionally considerate. When he whips up dinner on the 30th, show your appreciation with some under-the-table action, after telling him - he can't touch!

Seduction days: 8th, 15th, 28th

Leo Keep it cool. Don't blow it when a master manipulator plays mind games near the 19th. Remind him - he only gets what he gives, so demand oral satisfaction
before he thinks about his.

Single: Your quirky character charms a creative cutie midmonth. Think in terms of edible body paint.

Attached: You crave extra attention on the 6th, so ask him to make like an Aussie and head down under.

At the Club: Make a bold request of your boss at month's end then tell him 'On your knees!' He's not getting any - till you get yours.

Get a Clue : Do major calorie burning around the 25th, when your endurance and sex drive, peaks.

Seducing the Leo Man

The royal treatment. The only thing your Lion loves more than attention is luxury. Be his harem girl on the 17th and show him that cool new dance trick you
learned from the new girl, then let him lick champagne off your body.

Seduction days: 1st, 12th, 21st

AquariusEnjoy it. Revel in a long-deserved reward near the 16th then go shopping with a few close girlfriends! You worked hard for that money.

Single: A crush will want to get closer by month's end. Get him on his knees to prove his devotion.

Attached: Impromptu affection is in order close to the 8th, so be ready for lose your panties at a moment's notice.

At the Club: Cover the head honcho's butt on the 15th, when she makes a big-time blunder, then ask for special treatment behind closed doors.

Get a Clue : Forget your modesty and flaunt your figure around the 21st, a nudist beach is exactly what you need.

Seducing the Aquarius Man

Stomp on the brakes. Your ambitious man mentions some grand plans near the 19th. If he talks about your relationship, pat him on the head and tell him you'll
believe it when you see it.

Seduction days: 8th, 18th, 27th


 

Virgo Keep it cool. Don't blow it when a master manipulator plays mind games near the 19th. Remind him - he only gets what he gives, so demand oral satisfaction
before he thinks about his.

Single: Your quirky character charms a creative cutie midmonth. Think in terms of edible body paint.

Attached: You crave extra attention on the 6th, so ask him to make like an Aussie and head down under.

At the Club: Make a bold request of your boss at month's end then tell him 'On your knees!' He's not getting any - till you get yours.

Get a Clue : Do major calorie burning around the 25th, when your endurance and sex drive, peaks.

Seducing the Leo Man 

The royal treatment. The only thing your Lion loves more than attention is luxury. Be his harem girl on the 17th and show him that cool new dance trick you learned from the new girl, then let him lick champagne off your body.

Seduction days: 1st, 12th, 21st

 

 

Pisces

Sit up. Pay attention to any creative ideas after the 14th, when your inspiration peaks. Watch lots of dirty movies to get ideas for new dance moves.

Single: The hottie you meet around the 5th will make a fab fling. Try to hang on for the entire weekend - as he is paying.

Attached: Be bad in the bedroom when breaking the rules ups your desire midmonth. Make him spank you for your naughtiness, oh, so good!

At the Club: Don't schedule morning meetings the week of the 5th, when Neptune makes tardiness likely. You'll be busy till dawn that entire time and just won't
have the energy.

Get a Clue : Your stamina enters a slump on the 25th, so swear off TV and hit the gym for new hunks to tease.

Seducing the Pisces Man

Push play. Your passionate Pisces' mind-set is focused only on work this month. Distract him by slipping some porn into his VCR on the 10th and see what pops
up.

Seduction days: 6th, 19th, 25th


 picture of Jack Corbett

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