The Laundry Room Pervert

Warning--starts out slow but it's comes on as some of the funniest, craziest writing Jack's ever seen. 

Characters: Three doctors of which only one is known by name. The other two merely stand by looking intelligent, nodding in agreement, taking part in agreeing philosophies, gasping a bit, never laughing though - forever serious and very pragmatic and objective. These are the kind of doctors who eat a sandwich while watching an autopsy.

Lead Doctor is referred to as Dr. Bob.

The other two simply: "Doctors"

Fourth and last character: Warren J. Kleinbaum, aka - The Laundry Room Pervert.

The complete scene is held in an institution of the sterile atmosphere. The only colors that exists is the wide variety of patients and their wondrous, and yet strange minds. Their thoughts and actions are the only things that add color to this sick and twisted tale.

Kleinbaum sits in a wooden chair with no cushion, free from restraints wearing soft cloth pajamas and the standard blue bathrobe. He wears clean white socks with open toed weathered leather sandals. He is mid thirties and an extremely handsome man; he is a bit round, but nonetheless very attractive.

The Doctors are positioned across from the patient behind Doctor Bob's chair. The two nameless doctors are standing, one with a clipboard jotting notes with intense interest. The other one stands solemnly with one arm crossed chest and the other under his chin possibly kneading a goatee intelligently. Doctor Bob sits on the same style chair in front of patient. He wears nice glasses and is balding Kelsey Grammer style. Denim blue dress shirt, sleeves rolled to elbow and a pair of beige kackies, and nice shoes. He leans on his knees a lot with his elbows listening intently to the answers to his questions.

Dr. Bob is a very active individual in his expressions. He is into this experience scientifically motivated. This is a man destined for a Nobel Peace prize. Proud and smart he is, but not incapable of sympathy for the mentally ill. He knows it is a sickness that needs to be respected and not scoffed at. "It needs to be treated" is a firm belief in him. Although some of his methods are rudimentary, and quite barbaric to the inexperienced eye, they have proven to be effective. This is a relatively new science in the history of things and he sees its skepticisms first hand; especially when he's looking for grants to continue his studies.

So, we end up joining Doctor Bob facing the audience in the darkness with just the light on him. He is standing and looking prepared to deliver information that the audience needs to know. He clasps his hands a lot together and extends his arms in expression when in detailed oration. Let's join him shall we……

Dr. Bob: Hi, my name is Dr. Bob. My last name is irrelevant, but what is important to know is that I am a Doctor. A Doctor trained in Methodical Psychology. I have dedicated my life to studying human behavior in some of its most bizarre forms. In the aspect of there methods that is: Pedaphyliacs, nymphomaniacs, necrophiliacs, psychotic raping killers, and many more…….

The art to my science is to get into the patient's psyche. To penetrate the barrier of lies, and find the truth. If we observe the methods involved when one of these individuals commits a crime, then we can work on prevention. Prevention is the key to controlling abnormal behavior, because normally we cannot actually observe a crime in process. We must extract the information through the use of Hypnotism, Electro-shock therapy, or drugs. But we do get to the core of the matter. By forcing individuals to recount every move they made during their particular crimes.

Take for instance, the strange case of "The Laundry Room Pervert," one Warren J. Kleinbaum. An extremely handsome young man of 35 years. Who now resides the past ten years rotting away in this particular mental institution. His looks now are of a man whose mind that has estranged itself from him.

He was convicted of stalking and killing five women. Facing the Death Penalty, the Defense was able to declare insanity due to the nature of the crimes.
(excitedly) Yes! The very nature of them indeed - is exactly what I, and my team are out to explore.

During the first two years in the institution, Kleinbaum was still an indifferent and relatively jovial young man. Who almost seemed to have reached his own personal paradise. He was a bit obnoxious and played a lot of pranks on his fellow inmates. One of which was particularly intriguing…….."

The stage now lights up and a toilet seat is in place in the center of the stage. A mischievous Klienbaum skips about up to no good his hands filled with something. He giggles here and there. He is almost freakish and child like in his actions. He wears the same clothes that he is above described in wearing. It is just him visible but you can still hear Doctor Bob narrating in the background.

"It appears that Warren got a real kick out of toilet tricks. And he ingeniously conspired a novel little joke. By stealing the mayonnaise, mustard, and ketchup packets from the cafeteria, he would then head to the bathrooms and fold the packets over tightly. And place them underneath the sitting part of the bowl. Setting it up ever so gently, so that the next person that sat down on it had quite the messy surprise!"

Kleinbaum acts out all this narration on stage giggling here and there, but very meticulous about his business.

"Another little trick he was quite fond of was smuggling plastic Saran wrap from the kitchen when it was his turn to work there. This he would wrap around the hole of the toilet bowl, painstakingly pulling it tighter and tighter, so that there was not one crinkle in it."

Kleinbaum back on stage creeping around and putting the Saran wrap around the toilet bowl. When he's done he exits and the lights go to blackness until we hear the scream of surprise and anger. As Doctor Bob continues to narrate the scene.

"And then he would just sit back and wait until he heard the fretful scream of anger. Each time Warren would literally laugh until he urinated on himself."

In the background we hear Warren laughing hysterically: the laugh of a very sick man; a sick man in the mind.

"We approached Mr. Kleinbaum during his second year inside the institution, and found him quite responsive at this point, to discuss the horrendous murders he was responsible for. But we hooked him up to electrocutional devices anyway, just so that he understands what kind of insidious tortures we are capable of. Especially since the state signed a waiver declaring us the liberty to engage in any methods we thought applicable to getting the truth. Families want closure to their tragedies, and that is a principle my team and I do not negate…………."

(a quick conclusion as we move into the next scene) End of narration. Dr. Bob moves to the side and the whole stage lights up. He walks toward two chairs. One has Mr. Kleinbaum seated and the other has the two doctors standing around it both in white lab coats and unique ties. Dr. Bob is really the only one casually dressed. He sits down and begins questioning quite directly.

Dr. Bob: Mr. Kleinbaum, do you know why you are here?

Kleinbaum: (intellectually responding) Yes, I have been sentenced to life in this deranged institution for the killings of five women.

Dr. Bob: Were these young women or old women?

Kleinbaum: It was a variation - young to old. The youngest was seventeen, ah- ha (he fondly remembers, and mocks the thought) the little trusting runaway. And the oldest was eighty-one.

Dr. Bob: You were indiscriminate of age and looks possibly?

Kleinbaum: Yes, because it didn't matter. I was driven to them with a different motivation.

Dr. Bob: (puzzled in a professional manner and leaning over intently with elbows on knees and hands spread out in casual intrigued gesture he puts forth question) What….exactly was this motivating factor?

Kleinbaum: It was their scents. I smelled them first.

Dr. Bob: Where and exactly how did you smell them?

Kleinbaum: (grinning) At the laundry mat….. from their panties. (he blushes like an embarrassed boy)

Dr. Bob: You could smell their panties how? From a distance……Do you have a heightened sense of smell - like a Wolf maybe?

Kleinbaum: (disgusted in being compared to an animal) No, no I would just wait till they left. All those girls, most of them just show up and drop their stuff in the machines, and take off. Half the time I go to the laundry mats that don't get too many people. (really gets into demented character at this point, but still pretty smooth about everything, remember that this character is able to swing from both ends of the spectrum. Very intelligent, yet hysterical at times).

Kleinbaum: (continuous dialogue) These girls, they put their shit in and go. And then I wait till nobody's around, and watch till the cycle of the machine is done. I always hope those girls don't come back while I'm doing what I'm doing.

I go into the machine and search for their panties. I tend to look for the most soiled ones, because those are the ones with the strongest scents. I don't care how much laundry detergent you use. You ain't never going to get an old pair of undies to come completely clean!

People make me laugh always trying to get away with wearing the same old underwear year after year. Some people got underwear over five years old! Those are the people who need to be punished. Think about it - Five years! of the same old drawers!

The same drawers you played volleyball in after taking that mean shit that you know all the toilet paper in the world could not have prevented the skid mark that permeated your underwear that day. I mean my God man, why didn't you just throw the shit out?!

The same underwear you bled in when your tampon overfilled, or the same drawers that dawn the torture of piss stain after piss stain, day in and day out. You can't get that shit out of there!" (leans over to stare the doctor directly in his eyes, both doctors behind sticking to their scenes of one jotting notes and the other just looking perplexingly intelligent rubbing his chin with his forefinger and thumb. Dr. Bob is unflinching)

continued dialogue: You've got layers of microscopic butthole crust that's been collecting for years! You can believe me, I know! I seen the shit though a microscope.

Dr. Bob: Interesting Mr. Kleinbaum. There of course is an element of fact in your statement. It actually compells me to go out and buy all new underwear. (Both doctors behind Bob look simultaneously at one another and nod in agreement)

"But when you say punished, what exactly do you mean"?

Kleinbaum: I mean that they need to die-hard. What the fuck are they thinking? Running around with them little soiled panties trying to drive men crazy with their funk. I'm getting pissed off just thinking about!

Doctor Bob quickly zaps patient with electro-shock. Kleinbaum wiggles uncontrollably briefly, and makes this reply while staring pleadingly at the doctor:

Kleinbaum: DAMN! I get the picture. Please don't do that again.

Doctor Bob: (indifferent to his request and continuing the questioning) What would would you do when you found the pair of panties you wanted?

Kleinbaum: (a playful boyish look appears, a fondness almost) I look at em' first. Examining the brownish yellow spots. Eyeing them curiously, on a scientific level mind you. (a look of somewhat intelligence takes Kleinbaum's countenance) I got to get the feeling for how old they might be you see. Light colors are the only helpful ones. The panties that are too dark hide things from the naked eye.

I then squeeze them in my hands feeling their dampness from the rinse cycle. I gently roll them in each hand, and scratch the soiled spots with my fingernails digging up the molecules that actually can float in the air when you disturb them from their compression.

And then I hold them straight to my face and inhale deeply the sharp pungent odor that would make most folks puke, but not me. It heightens my awareness. I am instantly a predator now, running on pure instinct and a hungry bloodlust…….

(patient starts to salivate and Dr. Bob electrocutes Kleinbaum again to get him back to a controlled descriptive level, Kleinbaum wiggles again briefly but does not complain this time. Simply regains control. Kleinbaum is too interested in getting his point across).

Doctor Bob: Do you keep these panties that you find Mr. Kleinbaum?

Kleinbaum: Oh yes, It's how I find them. (leaning forward anticipating that his next statement is something of unique knowledge) Now that I can smell them - I can find em'!

Doctor Bob: Do you have any rituals you perform with the underwear you find?

Klienbaum: (coyly) I mark them.

All doctors lean inward with a perplexed interest

Doctor Bob: Pray tell, how is this achieved?

Klienbaum: I wrap them around my cock and routinely masturbate with them and soak them with semen. I urinate on them too. That is all part of the process.

Dr. Bob: What further takes place in this process?

Kleinbaum: After I have soiled them. I carry them still drenching with my scents, and locate their owner. (a look of perverse pleasure takes patients face, and Kleinbaum excitedly stands up and acts out his death scene)

"I wrap it around their heads and start to choke them with it, shoving it in and out of their mouths. While I fuck their sinful holes cleansing them with my cock. They slowly die within my grip, and I rob them out of all their ecstasy. That is my reward."

Doctor Bob: (cranes neck toward the two doctors behind him) Compelling…… Now, I want to back up a moment. Your were talking about heavily soiled underwear and how laundry detergent is unable to extract the germs and bacteria that you claim permeates the cloth even after the spin cycle. What qualifies you to make these, well let me just call them assumptions for now, because at this point I really don't see a scientific base to them enough to give them the respect of a possible theory. So, these deductions - why?

(Kleinbaum, finally seeing a position of giving knowledge. He gets an air of arrogance in his body movements and voice; his first sentence is somewhat sarcastic)

Kleinbaum: Well Doctor, if you will remember how I spoke of a microscope. I know how to use a microscope. It was a fascinating hobby of my life all throughout my teenage years. I started with simple things like identification of cell tissue in the human anatomy. But then I started to learn of viruses and bacterias. I became enthralled at this branch of study.

My revelation really didn't come until my sophomore year of while playing football for our high school. We had just won the big Thanksgiving Day game so every one was in good spirits. As usual I was taking off my equipment near the lockers along with the rest of the guys. I pulled off my underwear and noticed how clean they were. They were soaked from sweat, but nothing else. My father had always made sure I had new underwear at least once a month. I don't know why it dawned on me in that instant, it just sort of came.

Then I was compelled to look around at the other guys. And I started to watch a couple of them pulling down their underwear. Big brown skidmarks permeated them and yellow urinary stains on the front of their fruit of the looms. It was disgusting! You could tell that some of the guys had old skid marks on their drawers too. Because right next to the fresh ones were the graying remnants of a long ago skid mark, that must have been caused from a bad incident with chili dogs.

I was mortified man. It came to me at that moment, that disease lurked in such materials. What were they thinking? It was possible to unleash the world's next Black Plague from their underwear! And there they were, kicking them off of their ankles onto the floor next to my clothes. Needless to say, I dropped myself from the team the next day and dedicated myself the next five years to the study of microscopic ass molecules.

Doctor Bob leans back in surprise and looks at his colleagues puzzled. They shrug their shoulders in silence and the note taker jots a note.

Dr. Bob: I have never heard of such a study.

Klienbaum: Well, not many people have. And also not many people have the stomach for it. It is not on the top 10 list of things to do for aspiring scientists. My father had actually pioneered such studies, but it was I who took it one step further.

Dr. Bob: What in fact did your father do for a profession?

Kleinbaum: Well, you may have heard of him from his pen name, he was quite the writer back in the day and wrote numerous essays that were published in scientific related literature. He called himself: "The Wayward Proctologist."

All doctors in unison - "Ahhhh, we are familiar with his work."

Dr. Bob: Yes, yes we are familiar with his work. In fact, just a few years ago I read his collection of journals titled: "Essays from the Wayward Proctologist," the lost Hawaiian expedition series. He was studying the digestive processes of the local Samoans, after eating large underground barbecued pigs. Oh, and also his linking the Polyps' distinct odor to the actual cause of Colon cancer. Titled: "Popping the secret to the Polyp." He said the gas emitted from a sore polyp that erupts constantly in and around the sphincter contained carcinogenic compounds. It was quite revealing I should say.

Kleinbaum: (a tone of jealously erupts in Kleinbaums voice) I see you have done your fair share of reading detective slash Psychoanalyst! But my father was a slacker; he never finished his work as far as I'm concerned. I took it one step further. I was to prove that microscopic disease causing entities existed in underwear when not properly maintained. And I did, except nobody would listen to me. Not even my father. They believed the threat insignificant. But they were blind Goddamit! They lacked the vision to see what I saw. And I saw it man, I saw- (brings both arms up and pointing forefingers toward his eyes) with these eyes…. (burning glare at the doctors).

They were there by the hundreds of thousands, mutating and surviving in skid mark after skid mark. They moved around in abundance knocking into each other. Some practicing cannibalism, and ironically enough perpetuating the species through some kind of Bile Salt Osmosis.
Right now, it's going down in your underwear, all kinds of unseen parasites feeding off the inside of your moist shit-stained asscheeks. Did you think you were different somehow? Don't you know that your ass is disgustingly pungent? Your ass produces shit twenty-four hours a day!

Every time you shove one of them fucking fajitas down your throat, or that turkey stuffing, your body produces it into a bacterial waste after its intake of essential nutrients. Moving ever so slowly down your alimentary canal to come popping out of your ass in one big Wonder Bread style loaf. Or a splattering spackle that sprays all over your asscheeks and the toilet seat, that in public places you leave behind with out cleaning it up, because your above all that now aren't you? Just leave shit for others to look at or clean up.

The least you could do is keep buying new underwear every few weeks goddamnit! You hearing me Doctor? Mr. Doc-toor! Mr. Bob - Mister Dr. Bob! (lunging forward) Yeah, I think you need to be punished!………

As Kleinbaum lunges forward Dr. Bob is unflinching, and cooly presses the button for the electro-shock mechanism. Making Kleinbaum jerk back in his chair, starting to bounce and wiggle uncontrollably. Dr. Bob then looks down at the controls and searches for the automatic button and engages it so that it can continue to immobilize Kleinbaum to his seat. The Doctor then calmly gets up and walks toward audience to give his conclusive statements:

"Well, as you can see that we have been dealing with a very sick individual, who is thoroughly convinced that a disease the scale of the Black Plague of 1342, where 43 million people died in three years, will find its origins once again in the human beings soiled underwear. The significance and viability of this theory is yet undetermined, and to a large degree, unwarranted. It clearly lives in his mind and he upholds the only interest in this quest thus far that we know of. His case is strange ladies and gentlemen, but not to be undermined because of its nature seeming to be rare. For in your local laundry mat, somewhere in the corner lurking, this particular pervert just may be there…………..

Curtain closes - done deal - see ya later - Ya'll come back now, Ya hear!………………