Horrorscope: Looking Glass Magazine July 2003

Dive into the satirical Horrorscope of July 2003 and discover what the all-seeing eye predicts for your future in this unique edition of Looking Glass Magazine.

Pseudopsychologies--"False psychologies", popular systems that pretend to discover psychological information through non scientific or deliberately fraudelent methods. Translation--Follow me into the desert and let me unleash my philosophies, for I bring truth and enlightenment. I was given this gift because I was abducted by aliens in 1989 while on a mission in Death Valley, California for the hallucinogenic cactus called Peyote. After a laborious search we finally found a large cluster of them. From there I traveled my own way and ate the cactuses for three days straight. I bumped into Jim Morrison briefly and sold him some poetry and shortly thereafter is when the aliens came and thus came forth these visions.   July, 2003     Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22): That scent of freedom you are getting into your nostrils is not what you think it is. It comes from the oil that is being burned off in all those used up Harleys driven by that bad crowd you've been hanging with. If you want real escape go buy yourself a bicycle and start hanging out up in Maine or some other forgotten state. Northern Idaho and all those neo Nazis might prove to be a welcome relief to a person of your obviously bad tastes.   Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): July is a good thing for all of us in one respect. Even though it's insufferably hot and makes all of us want to vegetate by the pool sipping Margaritas it slows you Scorpios down a lot. Now that we have established the fact that we hate you, we must get on with what we are being paid to do which means giving you the best possible advice. Head North....as far as you can go. Point Barrel is a good place for you. Go on and seduce a Polar Bear. Although you will be killed, it is not going to hurt nearly as much as your having to suffer this unbearable heat with the rest of us.   Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): It is the midpoint of the year and the stars are turned just right for you to get on with your Destiny. We see your best course is to head for Montana on one of those cute little mopeds. Someone of the opposite sex will see you in this state of the huge sky and feel sorry for you having to ride such a cheap machine. Did you know even the Chinese can afford to ride these things? While north, act as Pathetic as you can which is what is going to turn your opposite number on. This will be easy for you to do since you will be being yourself.   Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19: If you do not act swiftly and follow our advice great irreparable harm will come to you. You must try to achieve a perfect childhood state since this will deceive your enemies. Playing with dolls will put off those who wish you harm particularly if you are male. Carrying around a teddy bear or other stuffed toy is bound to make everyone you encounter feel that you are not a threat. If you go swmming forsake the deep end at all costs and hang out in the kiddy pool or shallow part of the big pool. This will keep you among the living for at least another few months.   Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 19):  You have worked hard all year and now is the time to go out and get your just rewards. Cash everything in to make all your assets liquid. And quit that excruciating job now before it is too late. Then move to Central America where you can live so much more cheaply than you can here. We suggest Guatamala. Rent or buy a house on the outskirts of Antiqua. You can get a large place complete with a courtyard, filled with trees and talking parrots for around $200 per month and your own house boy or girl to keep the place clean, do the grocery shopping and cooking, and everything else that needs to be done. If you do not have enough money to retire on yet, bring a babe down here with you. You can sell her into prostiution for enough to keep both of you comfortable for the rest of your lives. And if you are female just turn to whoring while in the U.S. because if you do it here the men will take advantage of you. The only problem we foresee for you is the fact that you will be having to learn Spanish. Therefore we suggest buying the parrots right away so that they can start teaching you your new language. This will be a wise move since by listening to the parrots you will not be betraying your ignorance to your new neighbors.   Pisces (February 20-March 20): The job market is soon going to elude you. This will happen soon after you lose your job so it is best to start preparing right away. Get into something solid, something in which there is a real demand and that will be here over 50 years from now. There are only two fields we can think of you can be sure of and that's death and sickness. Become a nurse or get some other job in the health care industry. The Baby Boomers are starting to age and they are bound to get sicker than shit so this is your best opportunity. Your other option is go get into the field of death. You can start killing people for hire or do everything on the legit by becoming an undertaker. Don't scoff at this. Can't you see someone's Grandpa Fred dying and your consoling Grandma Fred by saying the following. Grandpa Fred was a good man and his goodness should be remembered by you and the rest of the family. Only the biggest headstone will do and the finest casket. After all, you would not want to run out on Grandpa Fred now that he needs you the most. We've got the whole package for only twenty grand which includes Uncle Fred's own web site. Surely you have his voice recorded somewhere. We will perpetuate that into eternity. See....your future is assured.       Aries (March 21-April 19:  You are very fortunate to have been born under a good sign. How do I know this? Why...I'm an Aries myself. Arians are very creative people who do nearly everything right. They are natural born leaders who the world would be wise to follow. We are all going to have a great summer, eat plenty of good food and have sex with all kinds of beautiful people, which is only fair. After all, we deserve it. We tend to be very good in business and great seducers of the opposite sex. We are wise, and most of us will wind up being very rich. Nearly all of us will wind up going to Heaven when we die and very few of us will have to face a painful death. Most of those we leave behind will revere our memory and remember everything that we have taught them. Any sexual partner who doesn't really appreciate us will wind up regreting it since it's impossible for this person to find anyone better.   Taurus (April 20-May 20):  It is time to get hooked on drugs. Since you are so obstinate and pigheaded, and always have a view on everything, you need to achieve a state in which you won't have an opinion on anything. Your best bet is to move to San Francisco and become one of the homeless. The reason is that in those rare moments when your head is not exploding from all the drugs you have been taking, you will never be taken seriously since no one in their right minds is ever going to take someone who's homeless seriously. And don't worry too much about not having any particular skill or trade for this is going to stand you in good stead in San Franisco. Just remember that you are in California and practically no one in this state is qualitifed in anything other than making movies on how the rest of the world should live.   Gemini (May 21-June 21):  Face it, you are a fucking sheep. You don't have a mind of your own and have always done what you were told. Most people see you as a furry little cute thing that is fun to fuck but is nothing to be taken seriously. We are not even going to give you a horror scope since nothing that you do or say is ever going to amount to a thing anyway seeing that what you have uttered has always come from others.       Cancer (June 22-July 22):   All of you Cancers are a bunch of crabby assholes who are always finding fault with everybody else. Face it--nobody likes to put up with your shit. It is therefore best for you to move out to the Middle East and offer your services to one of any number of those warring factions out there. Their military can find a worthy use for you as human shields. . You can be useful for clearing mindfields. Another worhwhile purpose for you to think about is to become useful for bayonet practice. If you do not relish the prospect of moving out to the Middle East another idea for you is out in the South Pacific Islands that are not inhabited. Make sure you take enough provisions so that if someday somebody is shipwrecked in the vicinity they can live off your provisions until they can be rescued. Just resign yourself to the fact that you are going to be killed since who in their right minds would ever want to live on a deserted island with you in the first place.     Leo (July 23-August 22):    You Leos are proud thinking you are very capable and in a way you are but why must you go around telling everybody that? You remind me of my ex wife who did everything the way it should be done. When she copulated she always made sure that she never accepted more than 164 strokes and if her partner (I guess that must have been me) ever was likely to come sooner than that she'd put ice cubes on the guy's penis (see, I am trying to forget about all that so I'm writing in the third tense to avoid responsibility) to slow down his ardor. Well let me tell you, having sex was about as much fun as sleeping on top of a porcupine. So all you Leos out there, do something constructive for a change. Stop seeing other people and go get yourself a pet and learn how to run that dog or cat of yours.   Virgo (August 23-September 22):  Okay...it is the last sign I have to do tonight and I just promised somebody on the phone that I'd be nice for a change. So....use your obvious charm and your good looks to go out tonight and every other night this month to go out and get laid. That's right, you handsome devil or bewitching temptress. You deserve the finer things in life so we wish you to come and to come often in ecstatic titillating pleasure. It is to be your month to be the seducer or seductress of all those you encounter be they at first willing or unwilling. In fact we want you to keep score and then tell the rest of us the results of how many people you have copulated with and after that we hope you get aids and suffer a long and agonizing death if for no other reason your being the twelth sign and therefore still on my list because if there were only 11 signs I'd be done writing this shit already and I'd be out getting drunk or doing a little screwing so have at it. Fuck a lot and pay for it with Aides in Spades.   Click above for the current issue of "The Looking Glass Magazine"                 View My Stats