Dive into the satirical Horrorscope of July 2003 and discover what the all-seeing eye predicts for your future in this unique edition of Looking Glass Magazine
Pseudopsychologies--"False psychologies", popular systems that pretend to discover psychological information through non scientific or deliberately fraudelent methods.
Translation--Follow me into the desert and let me unleash my philosophies, for I bring truth and enlightenment. I was given this gift because I was abducted by aliens in 1989 while on a mission in Death Valley, California for the hallucinogenic cactus called Peyote. After a laborious search we finally found a large cluster of them. From there I traveled my own way and ate the cactuses for three days straight. I bumped into Jim Morrison briefly and sold him some poetry and shortly thereafter is when the aliens came and thus came forth these visions.
July, 2003
Libra
(Sept 23-Oct 22):
That
scent of freedom you are getting into your nostrils is not what you think
it is. It comes from the oil that is being burned off in all those used
up Harleys driven by that bad crowd you've been hanging with. If you want
real escape go buy yourself a bicycle and start hanging out up in Maine
or some other forgotten state. Northern Idaho and all those neo Nazis
might prove to be a welcome relief to a person of your obviously bad tastes.
Scorpio
(Oct 23-Nov 21):
July
is a good thing for all of us in one respect. Even though it's insufferably
hot and makes all of us want to vegetate by the pool sipping Margaritas
it slows you Scorpios down a lot. Now that we have established the fact
that we hate you, we must get on with what we are being paid to do which
means giving you the best possible advice. Head North....as far as you
can go. Point Barrel is a good place for you. Go on and seduce a Polar
Bear. Although you will be killed, it is not going to hurt nearly as much
as your having to suffer this unbearable heat with the rest of us.
Capricorn
(Dec 22-Jan 19:
If you do not act swiftly and follow our
advice great irreparable harm will come to you. You must try to
achieve a perfect childhood state since this will deceive your
enemies. Playing with dolls will put off those who wish you harm
particularly if you are male. Carrying around a teddy bear or other
stuffed toy is bound to make everyone you encounter feel that you
are not a threat. If you go swmming forsake the deep end at all
costs and hang out in the kiddy pool or shallow part of the big
pool. This will keep you among the living for at least another few
months.
Sagittarius
(Nov 22-Dec 21):
It
is the midpoint of the year and the stars are turned just right for you
to get on with your Destiny. We see your best course is to head for
Montana on one of those cute little mopeds. Someone of the
oppostite sex will see you in this state of the huge sky and feel sorry
for you having to ride such a cheap machine. Did you know even the
Chinese can afford to ride these thigs? While north, act as
Pathetic as you can which is what is going to turn your opposite number
on. This will be easy for you to do since you will be being
yourself.
Aquarius
(Jan 20-Feb 19):
You have worked hard all year and now is the time to go out and get your just rewards. Cash everything in to make all your assets liquid. And quit that excruciating job now before it is too late. Then move to Central America where you can live so much more cheaply than you can here. We suggest Guatamala. Rent or buy a house on the outskirts of Antiqua. You can get a large place complete with a courtyard, filled with trees and talking parrots for around $200 per month and your own house boy or girl to keep the place clean, do the grocery shopping and cooking, and everything else that needs to be done.
If you do not have enough money to retire on yet, bring a babe down here with you. You can sell her into prostiution for enough to keep both of you comfortable for the rest of your lives. And if you are female just turn to whoring while in the U.S. because if you do it here the men will take advantage of you.
The only problem we foresee for you is the fact that you will be having to learn Spanish. Therefore we suggest buying the parrots right away so that they can start teaching you your new language. This will be a wise move since by listening to the parrots you will not be betraying your ignorance to your new neighbors.
Pisces (February
20-March 20):
The job market is soon going to elude you. This will happen soon after you lose your job so it is best to start preparing right away.
Get into something solid, something in which there is a real demand and that will be here over 50 years from now. There are only two fields we can think of you can be sure of and that's death and sickness. Become a nurse or get some other job in the health care industry. The Baby Boomers are starting to age and they are bound to get sicker than shit so this is your best opportunity. Your other option is go get into the field of death. You can start killing people for hire or do everything on the legit by becoming an undertaker.
Don't scoff at this. Can't you see someone's Grandpa Fred dying and your consoling Grandma Fred by saying the following. Grandpa Fred was a good man and his goodness should be remembered by you and the rest of the family. Only the biggest headstone will do and the finest casket. After all, you would not want to run out on Grandpa Fred now that he needs you the most. We've got the whole package for only twenty grand which includes Uncle Fred's own web site. Surely you have his voice recorded somewhere. We will perpetuate that into eternity.
See....your future is assured.
Aries
(March 21-April 19: You are very
fortunate to have been born under a good sign. How do I know this?
Why...I'm an Aries myself. Arians are very creative people who do nearly
everything right. They are natural born leaders who the world would be
wise to follow. We are all going to have a great summer, eat plenty of
good food and have sex with all kinds of beautiful people, which is only
fair. After all, we deserve it. We tend to be very good in business and
great seducers of the opposite sex. We are wise, and most of us will
wind up being very rich. Nearly all of us will wind up going to Heaven
when we die and very few of us will have to face a painful death. Most
of those we leave behind will revere our memory and remember everything
that we have taught them. Any sexual partner who doesn't really
appreciate us will wind up regreting it since it's impossible for this
person to find anyone better.
Taurus
(April 20-May 20):
It is time to get hooked on drugs. Since you are so obstinate and pigheaded, and always have a view on everything, you need to achieve a state in which you won't have an opinion on anything. Your best bet is to move to San Francisco and become one of the homeless. The reason is that in those rare moments when your head is not exploding from all the drugs you have been taking, you will never be taken seriously since no one in their right minds is ever going to take someone who's homeless seriously.
And don't worry too much about not having any particular skill or trade for this is going to stand you in good stead in San Franisco. Just remember that you are in California and practically no one in this state is qualitifed in anything other than making movies on how the rest of the world should live.
Gemini (May 21-June 21):
Face it, you are a fucking sheep. You don't have a mind of your own and have always done what you were told. Most people see you as a furry little cute thing that is fun to fuck but is nothing to be taken seriously.
We are not even going to give you a horror scope since nothing that you do or say is ever going to amount to a thing anyway seeing that what you have uttered has always come from others.
Cancer (June 22-July 22):
Leo
(July 23-August 22):
You can email me at the address above
