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So,
it's been a month now, and I have undoubtedly learned a few things. The first
of which was a hard won lesson why it is NOT a good idea to drive a 1989 Toyota
Celica with 184,000 miles far away from your house-- because you end up stranded
with a seized engine. But Don you say, aren't you a rich all-knowing strip club
DJ? Well, kind of. The car I owned prior to the ole' Celica was a 1998 Ford
Contour which, for all intense and purposes, ran worse than the Toyota. So,
I made the brilliant decision to drive the old rice burner far past its life
expectancy an undue distance in search of strip club nirvana, instead, the car
ended up with a seized engine on the side of the road just outside of twenty
miles from my destination. To further compound the situation, I made the unwise
choice to include my beloved girlfriend along for the search too. Needless to
say, she was angry and now we don't speak. Apparently, my search, combined with
my irrational decision to enjoy a scenic 20 degree-60-mile drive in a foreign shitbox, prompted her to start a search of her own-she dumped me. Much to my
surprise, women don't like to sit in a car that has just died in 20-degree weather
waiting for a tow truck on Friday night. Who knew?
So I know the next
question that you, the dear reader, may pose and it goes something like this:
Don, you are so insensitive. I mean, how could you think that your fucking girlfriend
would want to accompany you to "scope chicks" and guzzle alcoholic
beverages?
To those who pose
this point I offer a quote: "Whateveh', I do what I want!"
It is probably
pretty apparent to everyone reading this that I, Don Smith, make huge sacrifices
for my individual artistic vision. Yeah, I do. I am kind of "awesome"
like that.
Well, I can certainly
tell you that most women don't support their boyfriends. Let me qualify that
by saying, most women I have either dated or know, don't fully understand or
support their boyfriends. Nope. It just doesn't happen. That is not to say that
understanding women aren't put there (there are some… and they usually
date some total tyrant that abuses them in some way..again, my experience on
that one) but I just have no idea either how to date or meet one.
Since I am such a "wicked intuitive" person, I have figured out possible
reactions to the article so far:
You are carrying
this on too long. Probably.
I have alienated
new fans (and I have literally 10 fans). Absolutely.
I should get my
pansy, dirtbag ass to the job at hand, which is strip club reviews. Yes.
Could you just
stop prancing around on the soapbox and get to a point of some kind? Yes, in
a moment.
Here's an open
appeal to the readers: What is the real reason my now ex-girlfriend decided
to leave me? Was it because I write for a porn zine, drag her to strip clubs
for a night of boozing, or because I am a weak timid shit bag? Let me know.
Drop an email and tell me. I'll take the good responses (if any) a throw a few
up on the next installment.
The real tragedy
wasn't the dead car or relationship (both of which were well past their shelf
lives) but rather, I was slightly more angry about the fact that I would not
get to enjoy the club mentioned last month, The Kings Inn. Instead, I went down
to the Cadillac Lounge in Providence, Rhode Island.
The Cadillac Lounge
was a pleasant surprise for me, at least aesthetically speaking. There was a
part of me expecting, based on the name, to see a beat up old shack with a bunch
of older black men. There was also the expectation of having my shoes stick
to the floor and the need to reject offers to purchase narcotics. All of this,
much to my relief, was not the case. Actually, the club itself was beautifully
set-up with attention to detail. It was a total theme type of thing and that
is cool if you want to feel as if you are at Chuckie Cheese. But, I am the only
person who made this observation and my friends think I am sort of strange to
make that comparison. I digress.
Given the layout
of the place, there is a certain expectation of fun one could have however I
wasn't feeling it. The whole night started to go down hill when a bouncer acted
like a total jerk to a few friends. They innocently walked over to a separated
private dance area (which about six feet away from the bathroom) and caught
a glimpse of a rather curious mural of naked women playing volleyball, or something
like that. The bouncer decided to embarrass them in front of the whole crowd
by screaming, " You can't go over there. Get out of there!" It was
clear to everybody that he was looking to beat somebody that night. We relented
but only out of better judgment. Better judgment and my friend's parolle.
More negatives
came when we couldn't actually understand the DJ, and when we could he was just
sub par. Phrases like, "green on the scene" or "step up gentlemen
and BUCK the lady" tend to grate on the nerves after about 10 minutes.
Plus, the Cadillac Lounge is a B.Y.O.B. club and that benefit has always been
lost on me. To me, walking through the door with a case of Coors seems kind
of trailer park.
Yes, there were
some good things to come out of the trip. The dancers were top notch overall
both visually and personality wise. There was one dancer there who was very
intelligent and sexy as hell (Haley, I think) and she gave quite a private dance.
To top it off her body was flawless.
All of the girls seemed to have the "stripper
game" in check too as there was little to no pressure to tip or grab a
dance. The waitresses gave prompt service too and looked great. However, if
you do decide to partake in the white trash art of " Carry in and sip",
be prepared to spend money for a "pour fee" of a couple of dollars.
But hey, they have to make money somehow, right? Other positives include: the
huge parking lot with valet parking (although that was overshadowed by the somewhat
rude attendants), free admission for service people, a great sound system, and
a pleasant bathroom attendant that offered services in a non-imposing way.
This month, the
Cadillac Lounge will have to receive a somewhat lower score based on a myriad
of things-unfriendly environment, BYOB, annoying décor, and lower end
DJ. It is my sincere hope that the bouncers lighten up just a little. They should
bear in mind that customers keep them in business and NOT their ability to "lay
the smack down". The review could have been so much higher if they had
just handled things slightly more professional. I would give the Cadillac Lounge
6 out of 10. Make the Cadillac Lounge a last resort. A better deal would be
the Foxy Lady, which is about two exits down I believe.
Don Smith is a
DJ, producer, and journalist. He spends a good deal of his time sleeping. His
opinion, which holds little relevance to thinking, rational people, is offered
monthly here on, The looking Glass. Many people have speculated that Don Smith
may be a homosexual because of his baseless, incessant complaining. Well, that
and his snappy dress.
Email him at:
DADJ112@aol.com
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