If the Looking Glass Magazine January 2003 Horror Scope is too extreme, it should, because the editor of Xtreme Magazine wrote it
Horror Scopes by Nostrildumass
January 2003 Predictions
For most of you 2003 will be a welcome reprieve from 2002.... Anything is better than last year....
If you had a great year in 2002.... Fuck you !!! I'll do anything in my power so that this year is not a kiss-my-ass happy re-run of some "Leave It To Beaver" episode that would make my dick soft wacking to my favorite Disney porn !!!! Gracious me ... Was I raving ? ....
Predictions:
1) I still cannot be President.... Not the United States, not the local 4-H club... Sorry about the sheep thing , Jack dared me !!!!
2) My articles will be AT LEAST one day late no matter when I write them (sorry
Jack)....
3) I will continue to be fucked by the technology God Appleanus ( I hate this
iMac piece of shit, but my Microshit cluster fuck .... (Please see last sentence
in intro and once again I apologize)
4) I will learn not to apologize or at least how to spell it...( where's the
spell check on this piece of shit?)...
5) We will all have another birthday unless I hang myself with this cable
no one seems to know what it does...
6) Iraq-niphobia will obsess the spineless who won't just " PUSH THE
FUCKING BUTTON".... Did I mention I won't be President in 2003?...
7) If I get married , I'll get divorced... (again)
OK enough with the predicktions (intentionally mispelled for a change) ... Let's cut to the chase... (What the fuck does that mean anyway?
It is here where you cannot escape the eternal truth being revealed
January: You would say anything or do anything to get in the pants of whoever your hormones tell you... You're harder to detect than a Leo , because you are a player.... Game on !!!!
February: Just because someone is nice to you does NOT mean they are in love with you !!!! Deal with it.... Although you are not afraid to have sex with anyone .... Male, female, sheep, goat, etc. .... (Be careful with the badgers they bite....HARD!!!)
March:
Your
primadonna attitude is what makes you think you're cool.... Look around
... If you ain't sucking dick , people disappear real fast after they
catch a self-rightious, holyer-than-thou, obvious bullshit scenario on
how you're here for the greater purpose.... Keep it to yourself , you
sound much better gagging on my cock....
April:
You are a fire sign.... BURN !!! BURN !!! BURN !!! I have limited experiance
with Aries people as far as I know.... So you're either really unnoticable
or all of you need to come out of the Aries closet !!!! Shit it's just
your birth sign, it has nothing to do with the 666 birthmark on your ass....
May:
If April showers bring May
flowers, what do Mayflowers bring? .... Pilgrams !!!! Quit hanging
out so close to the Aries fucks .... They're sucking the life right
out of you.... Take a stand... Moon a cop !!!!
May-June:
Ahhh yes ... The twins.... Are there
really twins or is one of the voices in your head just louder than
the rest ?!!!! Everybody likes you because you are bi-sexual.... Hey
, it should be easier to keep your dance card full !!!!
June:
You're
basically a good , kind person who drinks too much and wakes up in the
wrong house frequently.... Your strong suit is that during the span of
your sign is THE FOURTH OF JULY..... Party on dudes !!!!
July:
Your kiss ass attitude has absolutely no one fooled.... You are a cut
throat piece of shit who would set a nun on fire if it would get you a
job promotion !!!! Some day you'll find happiness when you get the top
job RUNNING THE GATES TO HELL !!!!
September:
Shit, would you stand up for yourselves !!!! Pick your battles, not your
ASS !!!! For a refreshing change... Be the one who goes to the busiest
truck stop , shits in the sink, and wipes their ass on the roll towel....
Wake up... People are using you !!!!
October:
You
guys rule !!!! You got Halloween, damn near Thanksgiving, and you put
out !!!! For everyone !!!! Let everyone you fuck know they're just a number
and that way you stand less of a chance getting gunned down in your sleep!!!
You can email me at the address above
