Horror-Scopetology
I see all for it is eye who see your future

August 2002 Looking Glass Magazine Horror Scopes

If you don't like what you read here, who cares. After all, it's the truth. Unlike all those other Mickey Mouse horoscopes, which is no more than a single writer's inept ramblings about something he thinks he believes in or has "seen" in the stars we are giving you what all of our writers see at once in our simultaneous vision quest as we tune our minds and imaginations into what the Cosmic Void osmotes to our collective consciousness. Each month your Horror Scope will be delivered unto you by one of our writers. But you won't know which one, will you? This is being done so we can give you what you deserve, a true vision into what you can hope for, or dread, without our writers feeling any fear of recrimation from you.

Just remember, we didn't invite you here. You came because you wanted to.

August, 2002


It is here where you cannot escape
the eternal truth being revealed

Libra
Libra With the summer's full sweltering heat upon you, the freedom child within you feels stifled. Suicide appears to be the only option. It's time for that trip to Alaska you've always yearned for. Stay away from large bodies of water and airports. Take the bus and seek out a month or two of solitude in Mount McKinley National Forest. Seek out the first sexual partner you are presented with because the pickings are bound to be slim.

 


Aries 

AriesYou are talented, outgoing, and spontaneous. This month if you are

Male: Don't hold back on that chick you've been reluctant to make the big play for. Be assured that she wants it even more than you do. At the first opportunity simply tell her you want to suck her nipples. Mention that you want to savor their delectable flavor and that you want so see if they taste more like fresh apples or celery. The mere thought that you are thinking they might evoke essence of celery will have her exposing her nipples and have you draw down on them on the spot. Tell her you were wrong thinking they might remind you of a vegetable and tell her you want to savor her cherry. Try it. We guarantee it will work.

Female: Make sure the object of your desire has several drinks in him even if you have to buy them yourself. Then inch up against him so his crotch will be rubbing against yours. Tell him what a big dick he has and that you want to measure it with a ruler. Now don't forget the ruler.


Scorpio

Scorpio Look out because this is payback month for someone you've screwed. And don't come to us for help because you deserve what you are about to get. Seriously considering taking up residence as an expatriate in a foreign country. And don't even think about going to someplace nice because at this stage in your life you probably cannot afford it. Best bets are Haiti, Bangladesh, and Antarctica. Act immediately unless you want your scrotum to be your nemesis's spittoon, or those breasts you have been so proud of as coat hangers.

Taurus

Taurus Face it, the swinger's clubs you are going to have gotten old. It seems your partner is always more attractive than the rejects the other swinger's keep bringing for you to sample. You have become jaded and feel it is time for renewal.

Buy a small sports car. Have your partner sit on your lap if you are male and penetrate her while punching the trip odometer back to zero. Start driving in any direction and see how far you go before you come. Do this anytime the mood strikes you. You will be surprised where the two of you will wind up each night. Not only will this be exciting---after all, if you are already tired of your partner-you could wind up 500 miles from where you live---it will be equally exhilarating because you never know when the cops are going to pull you over. This is best tried out in a car with a soft removable top.

Sagitarius
Sagitarius

You have been doing without for too long so it's time to get back on track with an old-fashioned grease fuck. So go out and grab a fat bitch or a man with the biggest beer gut you can find, find a spot in the hot sun, preferably in full view of as many people as you can find, and have at it. Be sure to pick one of the hottest days you can. If you are lucky fame and fortune awaits you as you might find yourself in one of those foreign bestiality web sites as sweat hogs of the year.

Gemini

Gemini

One of our last recommendations was for you to get back to the other sex side of you. That is, ff you are male start having sex with the guys and if you are female, to get in touch with your Lesbian side. Sorry, but we made a mistake and by now you have realized that we were wrong. You are not gay. We now apologize for making you have to explain all of this to your new friends of the same sex.

 

Capricorn

CapricornWith the future of your job becoming precarious lately and the fidelity of your spouse in doubt, you feel a strong need for fulfillment. It is time to get more active in the church. Become a youth group leader and be sure to get into all the young girls' or boys' pants. Some will label you as being sick, psycho or perverted but don't let this bother you. Have faith in the fact that you will be affecting their young minds for the rest of their lives and that having you as a sex partner is much better than many of the other alternatives awaiting them.

Cancer

Cancer It is time to make sudden changes in your boring, miserable existence. Cash in everything you own and put it all into the stock market. You will either win big or lose everything you own. But what the hell, at least you will have bragging rights on what a high stakes gambler you are. This will make you seem interesting to others. This is much more than you can say for yourself, so far. If you lose everything, so what? You can start hanging out in bars, asking people to buy you drinks while telling stories about how you nearly made it into the big time, thus becoming not only the town drunk, but the colorful character you never were before.

Aquarius

AquairiusIt is time to get that swimming pool you've always been dreaming of. Hopefully many great nude parties are awaiting you and sexual encounters with all kinds. If not, you can always lie around the pool drinking Hanley's 3.2 beer and smoking pot thinking about all that great sex you used to get. If all fails you can always get completely stupefied and invite your neighbor's wife over. So what if she's old, fat, or ugly? The hot sun's frying your brain and the alcohol or drugs are completing the process. In your warped state of mind just imagine how much better she used to look as you plant the ole cattle prod between her legs.


Leo

Leo Face it, you are a dominating, egotistical, SOB or bitch and you are not about to ever be able to change. Become a monk or a nun and keep your companionship with your fellow human beings to an absolute minimum. If you are unable or unwilling to do this, move to a strange country. If you are an American moving to China is ideal. It is going to take years for the citizens from your new adopted country to understand you. Only in this manner can you minimize the harm that you can cause others who otherwise might be influenced by your mindless thoughts.

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Pisces

PiscesA totally unforeseen business opportunity awaits you. It is time that you realize that prostitution exists practically everywhere and that is it up to you to start cashing in on it. Find a place that has many caves. Move to another state if you have to because this is going to be the place where you are going to make a financial killing. Then buy a piece of property having the right cave only a few miles from a fairly large residential area. The cave will bring out the most craven instincts of all the patrons who will be flocking to your whorehouse. You are onto the big time and will be covered in "Playboy" and "Hustler".


Virgo

VirgoIt is time to make the final plunge and get married….that is if you aren't married already. You think you have had it rough but you don't know what true misery is until you've tied the knot. They don't call marriage tying the knot without good reason. What it means is severely constricting the vital flow of creativity that flows from your penis or vagina. You can only truly appreciate life and everything that it offers once you have passed this rite of passage into adulthood. One bit of advice before you try this. Don't have it result in a pregnancy because then the unhappiness that will result from your marital blond will become permanent.

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