Alpha Productions World of Adult Entertainment

 

Drinkers live longer than non drinkers
by Jack Corbett

From the talented staff of Alpha Productions,
 the report  they don't want you to read.

 

From Las Vegas Nevada, a team from Alpha Productions infiltrates Sunrise Hospital for intense study of human autopsies as it sets up a diversion at the 1998 Gentlemen's Club Owners Expo.

Jack Corbett feigns injury to gain admission into the hospital.  Meanwhile an ultra religious hit squad hired by the "Mothers for a More Boring Nation" and positioned at the Tropicana Hotel's convention combs the area for Corbett.  At the same time a secret intelligence agency of the Canadian government known as "Plug" that is financed primarily by Canada's two principle breweries has sent its agents to the convention to stop the Alpha Pro team from doing its research and publishing its findings.

Jack infiltrates computerized hospital files from his hospital room's bathroom to discover that drinkers truly live longer  

It looks like one of the hospital's Iv machines but Jack brought in his secret weapon, Cyber Czech.   In real life Cyber Czech is an engineer in computer science.  Grounded in Iowa because of a recent dui Cyber Czech seemed to be down for the count.  The government had placed an interlock device on his car and ordered him to remain in the state pending his probationary period.  The Alpha Pro team managed to get Cyber Czech out of the State of Iowa just for this mission.

After all, Cyber Czech's engineering expertise was needed in that hospital.  Meanwhile PlOne stayed in contact with the duo from the convention informing Jack and Cyber Czech about the Mothers for a More Boring Nation's and Plug's hapless attempts to foil the Alpha Pro raid on the revealing data.

Actual picutre of author Jack Corbett smoking in a Las Vegas Hospial bathroom
The mission was a complete success.  The following statistical data is the most accurate and trustworthy ever published about the real effects of drinking and what forms of alcoholic beverages are the most healthy.

 

  Number of autopsies average age at death
Non drinkers 114 69
Budweiser drinkers 232 88
Molson's ale drinkers 67 81
Labatt's drinkers 52 82
Old Milwaukee drinkers 47 54
Millers brewerie drinkers 62 82
Corona drinkers 27 83
Coors drinkers 171 84
Exclusively hard liquor drinkers 199 87
Budweiser drinkers who drink at least a fifth of Tequila a week 68 94
Totals 1039 80.4

The conclusions are obvious.  Ultra moralistic religious orientated groups in this country don't want you to know the truth and that is  that drinking is good for you.  The Mothers for a More Boring Nation is spearheading this plot and is behind most of the dui laws that are a major factor for Americans not living as long as they should.

Still..........the breweries are fighting back.  But which ones are best?  That is the question.  And you, our loyal readers, have a right to know.  Canada, which is essentially a colony of the two major breweries Labatt and Molson would like you to drink their inferior brews.

Our analysis, prepared at great risk to the lives and sanity of the Alpha Productions team, tells the whole truth.  Go with Budweiser, and for a really long and healthy life be sure to mix at least two cases each week with a bare minimum of one fifth of Tequila.  Above all, avoid Old Milwaukee and here's why.

It is a plant.  This beer is formulated by a group of mad scientists hired by the Mothers for a More Boring Nation.  The formulation is heavily laced by various agricultural weed killers known as herbicides and insecticides such as Raid.  From the vats of this beer the Mothers for a More Boring Nation glean their analysis that is the basis for discrediting the true life giving benefits of alcohol.

We ask you to send your friends the url to this site so that they can benefit from the truth as only we can tell it.  After all, it is a matter of life and death.  Your life or your death from a boring life without alcohol

Back to the Writers Nook

The Looking Glass Magazine


Alpha Productions World of Adult Entertainment

 

php hit counter

View My Stats