Horror Scope

The Looking Glass Magazine Horror Scope May 2003

All seeing eye

Not your ordinary run of the mill horoscope, this Horror Scope is for the truly demented

Pseudo psychologies--"False psychologies", popular systems that pretend to discover psychological information through non scientific or deliberately fraudulent methods.

Translation--Follow me into the desert and let me unleash my philosophies, for I bring truth and enlightenment. I was given this gift because I was abducted by aliens in 1989 while on a mission in Death Valley, California for the hallucinogenic cactus called Peyote. After a laborious search we finally found a large cluster of them. From there I traveled my own way and ate the cactuses for three days straight. I bumped into Jim Morrison briefly and sold him some poetry and shortly thereafter is when the aliens came and thus came forth these visions.

 

The Looking Glass Adult Magazine

May, 2003

 


 

It is here where you cannot escape
the eternal truth being revealed

Libra It is time for a fat bitch. Yes, it is your turn to pull the weight: "Fat women need love too!" should be the next bumper sticker you get for your car. (I'm betting this sticker will get you laid all month long!) Besides, it's good for your biceps! You ever wonder why you see a fat chick with some skinny dude? That's because he's doing the Tae Bo, Bowflex and Jane Fonda workout on that big ass! Live out your inhibitions.

 

Aries If you are an Aries you tend to be impulsive, firey and loud at times. You march to your own beat.

Yes, it is true that you march to the beat of your own drum but why must you impose your annoying stupid drum on those around you? Trust me, people don't enjoy you incessantly bitching about EVERYTHING. I knew an ARIES that used to mention, fucking constantly, about he "conquered" smoking. Yeah he kept flaunting the fact right in my face as I consumed close to four packs a day. I hated him and wanted him dead. I still do.

Your lucky number is 21 and there is no joke there. Let me guess, the ARIES readers are pissed off that THEY didn't get their stupid predictable joke. Fuck off.

 

Scorpio If you are a scorpio you tend to be intensely sexual and emotional.

Scorpio's are conniving. They can't be trusted. Watch yourself around these piles of dung as they will steal your last dime and then want more. You are all ruthless mutha' f-er's.

You don't deserve a lucky number. PS. F-off.

 

Taurus The Bull. Moo! Wait, bulls don't moo, do they? Who cares? You tend to be stubborn, indulgent and, at times, kind of lazy.

A Taurus male is the guy in the bar who, despite how unresponsive a woman may be to their advances, will continue to scream obscenities from across the room. You know these guys, right? They think their social skills actually improve with too many gello shots. They are usually the guys who end up beating the snot out of fragile DJ's (like me) when they try to make an honest living in a strip club. Or, they feel the need to yell shit back at me when I try to introduce a feature. You fuckers.

Your lucky number is 187.

Sagitarius

SINCE I HAVE BEEN SO OBJECTIVE THIS FAR, I CAN'T WRITE ANYTHING FOR SAGITARTUIS. I AM A SAGITARUIS.

MY LUCKY NUMBER IS 69, SWISH!

CapricornCapricorn's are the intellectuals, although, they like to control things. They also like to set goals for themselves and set out to achieve them.

Capricorn: Pretending to be smart is just as annoying as being anal-retentive and both qualities you have in large amounts. How do I know this? I am the all-knowing DJ Shiznuts. This is what I have seen. Well, actually, that is a lie. A number of years ago I dated a Capricorn and she was smart but, there were times when she was full of shit. And, controlling? Oh yeah! "Honey, can we go and get some Chinese tonight? Well, Shiznuts we shouldn't be comsuming the MSG that is commonly found in Chinese food… " Blah, blah… She could never figured out I left her because she was about as fun as watching grass grow.

GeminiGemini's have a tendency to be analytical, intelligent and impulsive.

You think you are so smart, don't you? Well, that is just not true you anal-retentive bastards. All of you, every last one of you, need to stop trying to find meaning in everything that is said to you. Look, if I ask you for the fucking time that is the ONLY reason for asking. There is no conspiracy you asshole.

Your lucky number is …well, let's see, if I say anything it'll ruin your fucking day so my lips are sealed.

CancerCancers are sensitive people, very emotional types. People sometimes think that you are crabby.

Let me start with a story. A close friend's mother is a cancer. How do I put this as nicely as I can; SHE WAS INSANE. Oh damn was she crazy! Yup. Everything made her cry, scream or sit catatonically staring at a wall for days on end. A typical exchange went something like this: " Hello Mrs. Concannon. How are you today? Mrs. Concannon? Are you okay?" Nothing. I would follow with, " I am just going to head up to Tommy's room then. Is that okay with you?" Of course, then she would start screaming at me for being inside of her house and for stealing her friggin silver ware or something like that. I had no idea as to what she was ever really talking about. Many times she would be piss drunk and crying sitting on the couch or something like that. What a crazy bitch she was.

Lucky number… Hold on…what am I Kreskin? 16. 16, is your lucky number. That just came to me honest.

Aquarius Aquarius is a water sign. You have been known to be thinkers because you think about everything. You are also tenacious at times you crazy aquarius you. Shine on you crazy S.O.B.

Well, here is something you your never pondered, ready? WHY IS IT THAT PEOPLE DUMP YOU LIKE A DIRTY DIAPER WHEN THEY GET CLOSE TO YOU?

No answer for that one, huh? If I may; IT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE ANNOYING TO PEOPLE. They can only take you in small doses. I dated a girl who was an Aquarius and it was the biggest mistake of my life. The only upside was that she literally never stopped having sex with me. Even after the relationship had ended, she was right there as a "go girl" as they say.

MY advice to females who share the sign of Aquarius is the following: "Hey ladies, why don't you bring some of that sexual energy over here (meow) and let's "do the nasty". YUM,YUM.

Your lucky number is 411, Cuz' I need to be gettin' that number yo'! Jesus that was lame

Leo Leos have a tendency to be the center of attention. They try to have a commanding sense to there personalites. Leo is the lion…let em' hear you roar.

OKAY, OKAY…we f***ing hear you already. Do you ever stop complaining? Is there ever anything positive that happens to you? Also, why the hell are you so damn vain anyway? Especially you Leo women, C'mon! Question: Do you think that guys give a flying F*** if you wear the new clothing? No. We just want to have sex with you.

MY advice for this month is simple: Stop complaining, you wretched pile of feces, before I destroy your rat like body. Also, try smiling every now and again because the world could care less about ruining your day.

Your Lucky number is 911 because I am going to try and take you out if you don't stop whining.

 

Pisces FPiecses, you tend to be the "sympathetic bleeding heart" or artistic. You enjoy creative endeavors. You also tend to feel misunderstood by people too.

Oh well, let's see… what is a nice way of saying that you are a pile of lies? You are so full of S*** that is pisses people off to know you. No really, they hate you. Think about it, and I know that you have, do you think people actually CARE about YOUR artistic vision? No. Furthermore, they could give a F*** less if you are "overly nice", to them they just want to take advantage of you. You fraud. You are slime like the rest and you know it.

My advice to you this month is to stay in your house away from good people as you have a tendency to ooze you bad luck.

You lucky number is…. You actually don't have a lucky number because you suck just that bad.

 

VirgoVirgo's are an Earth sign. They tend to be very practical and somewhat modest. They enjoy the simple things in life like washing laundry. They love feeling a sense of accomplishment at small tasks.

Virgo, God hates you because you waste the gentle flame of life being an under-achieving scag. Sexually Virgos are similar to intercourse with a warm glass of water; something is there but what is it? You put everyone around to sleep and they despise you for it. Trust me they do. Does this sound familiar to you: Zzzzz, Zzzzzz, Zzzzzz… It should because it is what people feel like doing when you open your mouth.

My advice to you for this month is to do something that requires some risk. Take a f***ing chance for once in your life. How about you drive that VW Jetta over the speed limit just once!! WOO HOO. I hate you.

Your Lucky number is 69 for obvious reasons.

 

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