| "Observations from the Topless Club DJ Booth |
| "Lick me where I Shit Awards" |
| by Krazy Ted |
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<tympany
roll> First
presenter (cue Chevy Chase) <who falls on his face> Announcer: The Golden Nargy for " Returning a CD player Sent in For Maintenance and Returned Still Fucked Up" went to GEMINI AUDIO PRODUCTS... You can get your award but we'll have to send it C.O.D. on shipping and only if you still have the factory box.... FUCK YOU and a very merry LICK ME WHERE I SHIT !!! The Golden Nargy for " Let's make Life Harder Than Necessary" went to ALL the assholes creating child safety caps, sealed for your protection lids or any other thing made for our protection ( condoms included ) that any child can open BUT I CAN NOT !!!! < cue orchestra > Announcer: We will return to the 1st Anal Lick me Where I Shit Awards after this brief commercial message... <commercial> Do you ever get that not so fresh feeling? Take a fucking shower!!!! The More You Know !!!!! < cue orchestra > Welcome back to the 1st Anal Lick Me Where I Shit Awards... Our first Award KILL THE FUCKING ORCHESTRA < my bad forgot to tell them to quit > is in the category of Cell Phone providers... The nominees are Iowa Wireless, Iowa Wireless, and Iowa Wireless.... The envelope please... And the winner is IOWA WIRELESS !!!! Iowa wireless couldn't be present tonight so the Golden Nargy is being accepted by Pony Express. They at least still cover this area.... Can you hear me now, Mother Fucker!!!! Our second award is in the misc. category... This award is for the person, agency, establishment, what the fuck-ever which doesn't fit any other category... and the nominees are Saddam Hussein - Dicktater of the Year, Don Rickles - Comedian (? does anyone think he's funny... and who picked Bob Hope to die first... I didn't vote for that!!!) , Jack Corbett - Editor Extraordinaire , Lance Peterson - murderer, Krazy Ted - Smart-Ass (Ted's A Dick), Rocker Votrain - Most Inept Stalker , Gravity - Just cuz we can't control it , Right Guard Deodorant - What the fuck are you supposed to put on the LEFT side, The Bremer County/Iowa Sheriff's Department featuring The Denver Iowa Police for being " in fear of officer safety" and not letting me out of the handcuffs to do the other 2 field sobriety tests, and Anyone against the 1st Amendment... The envelope please.... And the winner is... ROCKER VOTRAIN ! LICK ME WHERE I SHIT !!!! We will return after these messages... Snort a Viagra.... Sport WOOD !!!! <orchestra PLAYS BRIEFLY> (sp -5 pts) i before e except in Budweiser... Welcome back to the 1st Anal Lick Me Where I Shit Awards... My parents are so proud... Our next award is the Most Likely To Be Guilty Award... And the nominees are Krazy Ted for nailing at LEAST two of his Mom's former second grade students (who are now exotic dancers in mags and everything) and Big Louie's' for possibly being the culprit of putting the concrete down Big Daddy's drains... And the envelope please... And the winner is BIG LOUIE'S !!! We'll return after these messages.... If you take the everyday dosage or only treat the occasional flare-up Valtrex will help you keep those shankers down so you don't have to tell your wife.... <cue orchestra> <KILL ORCHESTRA!!!!> Welcome back to the 1st Anal LICK ME WHERE I SHIT AWARDS... And now the moment we've all been waiting for.... The Golden Nargy for the Worst Club in the nation... All these clubs have a dis-STINK-tion all they're own... And they rightly deserve a spot on the Wall of Shame!!!! The nominees are.... The Hustler Club( Club Formorly Known As DeJa Vs/St. Louis for screwing girls out of money(Girl nominated),treating industry people like shit(I nominated), and having the wimpiest,piece-of-shit, management pecker contest (at the cost of the club)on the face of the planet!!! <crowd goes wild ends up on sleazy video only sold on Jerry Springer Show> Our second nominee is Market Street Cinema/SF CA. aka: Cesspool, Pool, notorious for the 30 private "booths" behind the stage and jacking the "stage fee" to $200-$300 for a four hour shift...There are no dancers left and the only rotation is Pimp Daddy dropping off a new bunch of "hos" for the next 4 hours.... Our final nomi! nee for the Worst Club in the Nation This month we take a trip to The Glass Slipper, located in historic Boston, MA. I'll start the review with a few questions: 1. Have you ever had a friend or knew someone who continually failed at everything that they tried to do despite valid and noble attempts to succeed? 2. Have you ever seen your 75-year great aunt in silk stockings? 3. Have you ever seen your mother naked? 4. Do you remember the Wendy's commercial from the 1980's where an adorable elderly woman asked, " Where's the beef?" 5. Have you ever seen the movie, "Judgment Night"? 6. Have you ever wanted to kill yourself immediately upon entering a gentleman's club? 7. Have you ever seen a VD clinic on wheels? If answered yes to any of these questions, then you partially understand where this review is going. Allow me to expound on a somewhat unsettling opening. I rounded up the friends into the ole' sedan and headed off toward the destination at about 8:00 pm. For many not familiar with the Boston area, we are smack dab in the middle of the biggest public works nightmare in the history of the universe-- The Big Dig. "Now, a trip into Boston from my house SHOULD take about 30 minutes at about 8 pm. Not the case due to the mindless re-routing, so we arrived at about 9:45. I should have known that the evening would be, well tough, when an on-duty traffic cop provided us with directions and the advice of "watching our backs", while enjoying our night". "Upon reaching the area of the club, we attempted to find the only secure parking lot, the entrance to which was partially blocked by a VD clinic/needle exchange program on wheels. I joked to my friend that maybe he should get a check-up due to his exploiting of Mexican prostitutes while driving 18-wheelers in Texas. He wasn't amused." "How bad could it get, right? Read on." "After we passed through quite possibly the toughest area of violent crime in the United States, the infamous Combat Zone, or China Town to the less adventurous, we arrived at the door of the club. There was no cover charge for admittance into the club, so we thought that it was going to be okay after all. We couldn't have been more wrong in assuming that." "Upon walking into the club, I noticed a quasi-attractive black dancer somewhat singing/screaming (?) an obscure Aretha Franklin song while onstage. It was quite possibly the most obnoxious thing I've ever endured in my life. You see the club seems to encourage and appreciate stripper-out-of-tune-sing-screaming-versions of songs. I was treated to the following songs while observing: "Crazy in Love", by Jay-Z, a Prince B-side, A song that I believe to be either Barry White (R.I.P.), or Billy Ocean, despite not sounding anything alike, Some crappy local band's demo tape, and The Devinyl's classic, " I touch Myself", among others; the latter of which was presented by a woman, clearly in her mid to late 50's. I have to say though it was the most humorous thing that I've ever seen in my life looking back, due to the fact the older woman was dancing like frumpy baby-booming Janet F-ing Jackson. She performed her routine while you guessed it-- touching herself." "In all fairness to the club, there were a couple of pretty woman there. One of which, was a very intelligent brunette who had a beautiful face, nice personality and very pleasing body. In other words, she wasn't model thin but she was pleasing to talk to and she was pretty in her own way. Aw how sweet. that is where the flattery ends." "The overall layout of the club is that of a basement in some cheesy low-income housing building. It has a kind of sleaze bag sheen about it; complete with weak DJ, a rude elderly waitress and the smallest tables ever manufactured in a sweatshop from Pakistan. Speaking of small, I was informed of the mandatory drink policy, of which I obliged. The waitress promptly returned, carrying a 3.2 oz. Pepsi, which was neither Pepsi nor worth the $9.00+plus tip it cost me. At one point, a dancer wanted to "sit and talk", to the tune of a $30.00 cocktail, of which we did not oblige. Oh yeah, the stage, which is built into the bar somehow, is equipped with a 1940's era cash register which is used to ring up drinks while the dancers perform. Call me crazy, but an elderly bartender ringing in drinks to the sound of screaming dancers is kind of distracting and so damn disrespectful it is sickening. Think about it, there you are on stage (screaming a horrible version of "Kic! k Start My heart", by Motley Crue)" "We decided to spread out, which is damn near impossible given the layout of the club, and we tried to capture even mild interest if not Nirvana this time, to no avail I might add. The Glass Slipper is quite possibly the worst club I've ever seen in my life. My advice to the dancers I favored there is simple, go to another club; you are worth more than the place you subject yourself to." "Our exit cue came when the waitress told me to "move" because she "needed" the seats for other customers. My reply: " You have other customers?"" Fuck the envelope the winner is THE GLASS SLIPPER BOSTON MA. YEA...... Go DON (who wrote the review above of the unholy slipper) !!!! For the 2nd Anal Lick-Me-Where-I-shit Awards I plan on not having my name show up so often... Start your nominations early and send all legal paper work to krazyted@hotmail.com so it can be forwarded to one of my 5 attorneys (think I'm kiddin'?)... We would like to thank all the contributors both real (Don) and imaginary(me), the Academy, the GIRLS, and of course SATAN !!!!! Until next month... LICK ME WHERE I SHIT !!!! -Krazy Ted
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