Your Horrible Scope Astrology for the July 2002 Looking Glass Magazine Issue

I see all for it is Eye Who see your future

If you don't like what you read here, who cares. After all, it's the truth. Unlike all those other Mickey Mouse horoscopes, which is no more than a single writer's inept ramblings about something he thinks he believes in or has "seen" in the stars we are giving you what all of our writers see at once in our simultaneous vision quest as we tune our minds and imaginations into what the Cosmic Void osmotes to our collective consciousness. Each month your Horror Scope will be delivered unto you by one of our writers. But you won't know which one, will you? This is being done so we can give you what you deserve, a true vision into what you can hope for, or dread, without our writers feeling any fear of recrimation from you.

Just remember, we didn't invite you here. You came because you wanted to.

July, 2002

It is here where you cannot escape
the eternal truth being revealed

Libra With summer in full swing you sense freedom in the air like you never have before. Face it, you've always wanted that Harley. Buy it now and never look back because you are getting older. This will help make up for the fact that your penis seems to be slowly atrophying or the women you used to be able to attract are now starting to look at you like canned tuna.

Aries You have always known that being an Arian makes you very special in many ways.
Out of all the signs of the Zodiac Arians have made the best leaders and have the most talent. But face it, real success has always seemed to elude you. It's time to get out of Dodge. As well as to find the right woman or man to take with you. Give yourself just thirty days. Meanwhile sever all connections with your significant other. Hit the bars or wherever you think the greatest opportunity for finding sex partners awaits you and whomever you wind up with before your thirty days is up is the person to take with you.

Scorpio For the men: Now's the time to go for that quick buck. Go out and buy something that has high resale value and find a co-signer. Better yet, go out and find a business that has assets you can convert to cash and get members of your family to buy stock in it. When the situation is just right run off to a place as far away as you can and take the cash with you. This might be your chance of a lifetime. A huge mansion awaits you in Guatemala where you can spend the rest of your days. We've heard of such places for as little as $200 a month and here food, beer and cigarettes are only one third to half of what they cost in the U.S. People retire here for $500 a month. For you set the figure much higher, say $1000 to $2000 a month depending on how much you can embezzle. Get a parrot to live with you in that big house you are going to get and a house boy or girl to clean the place, do your shopping and perhaps to attend to your other needs.

For the enterprising Scorpio woman: Now is the time to start looking for Mr. Meal Ticket. If you are already encumbered and your husband has not already made his first million it's time to get unattached and to look for somebody who already has. Learn to read a balance sheet and start analyzing your prospects' net worth. Look only at their financial value and their ability and willingness to spend it all on you. You can't lose on this one because divorce is always a great option during which you can plunder his assets. And if you decide to remain married you can always have the men who really attract you on the side.

Leo It's's been a bad summer. For one thing you just haven't been getting your way. Although you cannot control others the way you would like either socially or on the job, sexually you can. No matter what other horoscopes tell you, your ideal partners are those born under cancer. Find one and encourage your new partner to let his/her latent submissive tendencies to flourish. New interests that are good for your pysche are bondage, group sex, and prostitution. Do not let others deter you from what you already know is best for you no matter how depraved they might think your new activities are. Just remember that you are of the sign of the lion whereas most of your critics are ruled by the preachings of the super wimp.

Taurus People of your sign are truly special. It is a little known fact that those born under the sign of Taurus can have incestuous relationships and get away with it. For you, this is the year to capitalize on that. For as for all of us death marks the extinction of the individual, that unique blend of chromosomes that make you what you are. However, if you can mate with someone in your family, say a brother or a sister or first cousin, you can truly become immortal by generating offspring whose abilities and dispositions are closest to yours. Go for it. Now is the time for you to unleash that raging bull within you.

Gemini It is time for you to find your soul mate. In the past you have looked for someone of the opposite sex who's most similar to you in terms of interests and background. This has been a huge mistake and it's about time you rectified it. Start looking for someone who's your exact opposite. If your native language is English look for someone who speaks Russian, German or Chinese. That way you can blame any misunderstandings between you on the language barrier. If you are someone who's been very particular with your sexual partners and who's limited them to a few, find someone who's been sleeping with everybody including the neighbor's dog. If you are an old fart start robbing the cradle. If you don't do drugs find someone who does and become equally addicted. This approach and this approach only will lead you to a lifetime of true happiness and a true understanding of the cosmic void.

Get all the sex you can because there's an excellent chance that a strange illness is going to claim you soon. Swingers' clubs provide an excellent option. If you are male and finding abundant sexual partners is getting tough, start investing in whores even if you cannot afford them. Remember that time is getting to be even shorter than your dick. For all you female Sagittarians out there, hit the bar scene and get as drunk as you can. Sleep with what seems most attractive to you in your alcohol addled minds. Don't let your hang overs bother you when night fall arrives again. Just remember, that the best remedy for a hangover is to start drinking again as soon as you can.

Pisces It is time to plank a tooth pick woman or to get fucked by a man who looks too skinny to be able to fight his way out of the proverbial wet paper bag. This is the month for the Big Dick and for all those who either have one or want one. The skinny gal is better able to accomodate your enormous hot rod and don't listen to any opinions to the contrary. By and large their channels are deeper and tighter. Now here's another uncommonly known secret. Muscle bound men usually have dicks that are so small they can be used for bass bait whereas those little skinny guys are usually the best hung.

Cancer It is high time for you to become totally submissive to your playmate. This will arouse you to the heights of sexual passion you are capable of. Here's the way it works. Lurking in the subconcious of your partner is the urge to dominate. Unfortunately for both of you, you have not let this come to pass. Start thinking of yourself as a submissive dog and work on letting your parner roll you over in every aspect. This will feed your partner's frenzy whose sexual passion will arise to new heights. Remember this and let the good juices flow.

Virgo Time to start looking for fresh meat. The more experienced sexual partners you have been having have started to turn stale and no longer arouse you. The reason is the more partners or sex that they have the less capable they have become of exhibiting true passion. Meanwhile their smell has started to turn rank like a used condom. In your quest remember this-----the younger the better and don't let the age of consent bother you. You have only one life to live and it is time to realize that you should live it to the fullest. Also keep in mind that people today are sexually mature at a much younger age than ever before. If you ever doubted that just look at the way little boys and girls dress these days. The rule of thumb is to use the movies as your guide as to what is permissible and what is not. If it's good enough for the big screen it's good enough for you.

The prospect of having a goat is starting to seem a lot more appealing to you. Do not let this message be lost on you. It is calling out to your most bestial instincts. Time to get very aggressive with those members of the opposite sex who attract you the most. For all of you men it's time to get the best looking women you can over to your apartment. Use any excuse that you can and then simply have your way with them. Remember that it's a fine line between date rape and giving them what they really want which is you, provided that you act in charge right away. And for all you female Capricornees, it it time to meet a whole new group of men---fast. Become a topless dancer and make as many contacts as you can. Or start doing low budget porno movies to have fun and to prosper.

Aquarius Once again the lure of the water is irresistable to you. Now is the time to finally take the plunge and buy that speed boat or cabin cruiser where many sensual pleasures await you. If you cannot afford one, try to mooch off your friends who already have a boat. Impress upon your dates that the boat is really yours and that you are allowing its owner to act as if it's his in order to salve his battered ego. This should work very nicely for nearly all male Aquarians. For women the situation is different and to you we advise going out on a Cruise where you should pick up whatever you can. Chances are excellent that you will meet men of means who will be able to support your sorry asses until you finally expire.

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