Dive into Your Horrorscopetology for a satirial take on traditional horoscopes, courtesy of Looking Glass Magazine in March 2002
If you don't like what you read here, who cares. After all, this is the truth--unlike all those other Mickey Mouse horoscopes, which is no more than a single writer's inept ramblings about something he thinks he believes in or has "seen" in the stars we are giving you what all of our writers see at once in our simultaneous vision quest as we tune our minds and imaginations into what the Cosmic Void osmoses to our collective consciousness.
Each month your Horror Scope will be delivered unto you by one of our writers. But you won't know which one, will you? This is being done so we can give you what you deserve, a true vision into what you can hope for, or dread, without our writers feeling any fear of recrimination from you.
Just remember, we didn't invite you here. You came because you wanted to.
Team
up. Work together near the 20th to clean up some nasty gossip who's been
trying to ruin your rep. Then you'll be able to
concentrate on making noises in the bedroom – and a few other unexpected
places.
Prime Sex:
4th, 12th, 23rd
Don’t Diva.
Control your vanity when stuck-up Venus rules your temper on the 6th.
Note : Do something out of character midmonth when Jupiter lights your
inspiration and imagination. Dare to be completely different.
Single: There’s no need to spy on your favorite sweetie midmonth, you’ll only get yourself in trouble! Just ask and they’ll bare all.
Attached: Use your common sense when impulsive Uranus presses you into kissing – and telling
The 7th.
On the job: Near
the 28th it’s your turn – again – to play the peacemaker
in a coworker's crisis.
Get
a solid grip and slow your pace down. You need needs some lessons on keeping
pace with your lover. Mercury makes you willing to take instructions so
let them show you what they Really want – don’t be afraid to
experiment - you'll both enjoy the results.
Prime Sex: 2nd, 14th, 26th
Rough Play. Harsh physical activities - whether in bed, the gym or on the stage - relieves stress until the 20th. Excellent day for bondage and spanking play! Note : Mercury makes you absent-minded near the 16th, so keep your calendar nearby. Excellent time to jot down those wet dreams you’ve been having for later reading to your favorite lover.
Single: Dump the vanilla ‘Nice Guy or Girl’ on the 13th. Their self-assured friend is more to your liking and a lot kinkier!
Attached: Spend some time buying lingerie then have them do a strip tease for YOU on the 10th but You pick the music and the costume!
On the job: Your need to take control kicks into gear when you take a new recruit under your wing at month's end. This is a prime time to suggest redecorating or trying a new more aggressive style.On the job: Your need to take control kicks into gear when you take a new recruit under your wing at month's end. This is a prime time to suggest redecorating or trying a new more aggressive style.
You have way too much excess energy. You'll be feeling extra handy in
every way on the 11th, your fingers in every little
crevice. Do some chores around the house then wow them in the bedroom
later with all that excess energy – and all the candles you found
while cleaning.
Prime Sex:
8th, 11th, 29th
Reestablish.
A road trip to visit family or old friends on the 27th is very rewarding.
You were missed – and several old friends intend to show you exactly
how much they missed you. Note : Uranus demands change near the 17th so
splurge for that sex-toy you’ve been hankering for or something in
snug black leather. Just remember – you have a road-trip planned
so don’t blow it all!
Single: Put your lover’s tongue to use on the 23rd, when your dominating nature spells sexual excess. Spanking is in the air –but this time they are bent over Your knee!
Attached: Watch out for your jealous temper on the 5th. There is no reason for your suspicions. Eat more chocolate and watch some romantic movies with happy endings together.
On the job: Your volatile temper flares midmonth and the plot thickens. Make sure to get your vengeance no matter howOn the job: Your volatile temper flares midmonth and the plot thickens. Make sure to get your vengeance no matter how subtle, where there will be no witnesses.
You
need firm handling. Mars has you feeling playful and extra-mischievous.
You’ll find it exy when your lover acts like a stern disciplinarian, so
give them impudent back-talk to encourage the firm spanking you crave.
Prime Sex:
9th, 19th, 30th. Loosen up.
Stretching or gymnastics will boost your body image near the 15th. You’re
going to need extra pets and lots of praise – don’t be afraid
to beg. Note : Books and deep philosophical talks near the 4th stimulate
your interests as things progress into a long conversation on sexual technique.
The Kama Sutra comes to mind.
Single: One
of your more infamous filthy jokes attracts a bold new lover around the
9th who has a few dirty jokes of their
own.
Attached: Get
outdoors and get naked on the 22nd, Adventure steams your blood while
stripping out of all that heavy winter
stuff, making you feel the need to be skin to skin.
On the job:On the job: Take it easy. Your practical jokes could piss off the boss near the 15th.
Don’t
be shy – ask for cuddles. On the 27th, you need a confidence boost
when trying something new. Go shopping and do something just for you,
then offer a sexual reward when they deliver the praise you so richly
deserve.
Prime Sex: 2nd, 16th, 20th
Consider the Big
Picture. Saturn and your self-discipline help you commit to a long-awaited
ambition early in the month. Excellent for job security and good exposure.
Note : Use extreme caution near the 5th. When Mars drops your guard, watch
out for those who swear they only want to cuddle and be friendly.
Single: Your warm amorous nature attracts a potential romance around the 11th. Time for champagne and sheets strewn with rose-petals.
Attached: Lose the flirt who is distracting you from your lover around the 23rd. they have nothing to lose – and you do!
On the job:On the job: Don’t put in those extra hours for nothing at midmonth. If you need the rest – don’t volunteer!
Light the fireplace one last time. Before winter disappears, have one last sensual fling on the furs with your lover around the 11th: Break out the bubbly and share your most intimate sexual secrets. Inspiration is a wonderful aphrodisiac.
Prime Sex: 8th, 17th, 28th Kiss and make up. Flattery will get you everywhere. Use your persuasive talents to electrify the boss and your lover until the 12th. Note : Venus rules early in the month so use and abuse those feminine charms.
Single: You can’t seem to make up your mind as to which potential lover to chose around the 9th – why not take both home with you?
Attached: On the 11th Jupiter turns up your trademark sexual stamina. Your lover better not plan on getting any sleep, you have needs to fulfill.
On the job: Try something original near the 20th. Ingenuity and clever repartee will bring you lots of lucrative attention.
You need to be touched sensually. You’ve always loved a sexually
charged massage, but when the Moon doubles your delight on the 3rd, make
them give you a rubdown that you intend to repay – with interest.
Prime Sex:
5th, 16th, 24th
Sweet Dreams. A sizzling wet dream involving sand and surf reveals more
than you expected on the 8th. Note: Adopt a puppy – not a couch potato
on the 17th. Avoid roommates that just won’t go away!
Single: That shy young thing needs you to make the first move on the sixth 6th. They’re convinced that they haven’t got a chance with you. Why don’t you give them a pleasant surprise and ask them out?
Attached: You suspect that your lover wants to experiment. Surprise them by offering to play nice.
Work: Don’t panic near the 21st, you’ll do just fine. You’re better prepared than you think.
Get Messy. Uranus inspires sex games on the 16th with you as the dessert!
Have the cherries, strawberries, whipped cream and hot chocolate sauce
ready, but be prepared to clean up with lots of giggles after this erotic
event.
Prime Sex: 3rd, 13th, 25th
Easy does it.
Are you sure you need that roomy new place or that racy car? Watch it
with the finances! Note : Leave the dishes in the sink and go rent a few
dirty movies to giggle to when your sense of silliness takes over from
the 19th on.
Single: On the 23rd, you'll play with a power-flirt, but they can't hold your attention. You just know that they can’t keep up with you.
Attached: You
need to feel worshiped early in the month, so have your tall boots freshly
polished for sweet erotic kisses that
climb to the treasure box.
On the jobOn the job: Watch your mouth! Your chattiness will drive everyone insane on the 14th. Call your lover on the phone instead and feed them an erotic fantasy that comes to life when you get home.
Cool
down. Have your lover trail ice all over you then follow up with their
mouth on the 13th, when Uranus opens your mind
and makes you crave extra stimulation. A blindfold and some spanky-toys
prime your pump as you feed your need for something new and exciting.
Prime Sex: 3rd, 18th, 31st
Be brave. Overcome your shyness when a chance for erotic exploration crops up on the 17th. You’ve always wanted to experiment – let your lover do the driving then surprise them with a suggestion they don’t expect from you! Note : Your thrifty nature pays off when hunting for bargains on the 29th. That little piece of silk frippery you’ve been looking at goes on sale –snatch it up and surprise your lover.
Single: Your easy-going personality wins you an ardent admirer around the 1st.
Attached: They’re childlike behavior makes you feel naughty after the 11th. Do you need a spanking?
On the job: Watch out for accidents, bumps and bruises from the 25th on, when Neptune increases miscalculations. Time to break out the tall boots and wear clothes you don’t mind rough-housing in.
,Open
your mouth. Your craving lots of oral affection so share the wealth and
encourage the spirit of giving – and receiving. Truthful compliments with
special attention to your lusty expertise encourage you to rise to the
challenge.
Prime Sex:
1st, 10th, 22nd
Don’t rush. Kissing primes your pump near the 9th. Slow sexy attention feeds your soul. Encourage reciprocal attention by demanding that your lover kisses everywhere you kiss. Note : It’s your turn to be the shoulder to cry on. Be prepared to ‘Be There’ and be awake all night long near the 12th, when someone close to you has a late-night crisis. Remember, they’re only looking for sympathy – not a fix for their problems.
Single: Take
a chance for once and forget your rational side. When choosing between
a sensible sweetie and a power flirt
around the 20th, there’s no need to make a final decision anytime
soon.
Attached: Mars
ups your sexual self-assurance on the 7th. Afternoon delight strikes hard
and fast and often. Be demanding –they can take it, or they can be taken.
On the job: Late nights and long hours pay off near the 29th with monetary bonuses -discuss a promotion and a well-deserved vacation
Stay home cuddling in bed watching comedies. Laughs and giggles rule the
bed-sheets when child-like Jupiter rules on the 28th. Watch out for pillow
fights and delicious experiments with strawberries and chocolate sauce!
Prime Sex:
6th, 14th, 27th
Your luck is in! Take
that bet near Saint Pat's day. You could win more than you think! Note
: Wear dark colors and tall boots on the 5th, when accident-prone Mars
causes bumps, bruises and spills - all over you!
Single: The hottie making you laugh at a party, at the month's
end is out to seduce you.
Attached: Cuddle
close with a sizzling erotic novel. Trading particularly interesting passages
of purple prose inspires your
passions on the 29th.
On the job:
Don’t give in to your impulses to play ‘Diva’ on the 22nd,
during Mercury's power play. Minor squabbles could
escalate quickly into bar brawls.
Road
trip to the Beach! An excellent time to practice your sexual techniques
while they’re driving especially on the 6th. This is an excellent
day to give, rather than receive.
Prime Sex: 7th, 15th, 21st
Use your Intuition.
Go with your gut feelings, near the 9th to uncover an untruth. Watch the
tip jar for thieves. Note : After the 11th, use
your creative talents to try something new or practice a technique you’ve
been wanting to. The Time is Prime to do some experimentation in light
Spanking or play with blindfolds.
Single: Watch out for players and cheating lovers on the 20th. Be careful of who you date unless you’re looking for merely fleeting fun. Attachment is not in the air. Keep an eye out for old lovers looking to score and dump.
Attached: Keep
your lover at home with a teasing hot phone call that leads to a ferocious
and wet tongue-lashing when you
come home from work.
On the job: Keep your lips locked when rash Mars tempts you to leak secrets and tempers flare near the 15th. Don’t be tempted to become a ‘bit player’ in someone else’s personal tragedy! Trust me they know what’s happening and now is NOT the time to talk about it.
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