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It is here
where you cannot escape
the eternal truth being revealed
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Libra
With the summer's full sweltering heat upon you, the freedom child within
you feels stifled. Suicide appears to be the only option. It's time for
that trip to Alaska you've always yearned for. Stay away from large bodies
of water and airports. Take the bus and seek out a month or two of solitude
in Mount McKinley National Forest. Seek out the first sexual partner you
are presented with because the pickings are bound to be slim.
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Aries
 You
are talented, outgoing, and spontaneous. This month if you are
Male:
Don't hold back on that chick you've been reluctant to make the big play
for. Be assured that she wants it even more than you do. At the first
opportunity simply tell her you want to suck her nipples. Mention that
you want to savor their delectable flavor and that you want so see if
they taste more like fresh apples or celery. The mere thought that you
are thinking they might evoke essence of celery will have her exposing
her nipples and have you draw down on them on the spot. Tell her you were
wrong thinking they might remind you of a vegetable and tell her you want
to savor her cherry. Try it. We guarantee it will work.
Female:
Make sure the object of your desire has several drinks in him even if
you have to buy them yourself. Then inch up against him so his crotch
will be rubbing against yours. Tell him what a big dick he has and that
you want to measure it with a ruler. Now don't forget the ruler.
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Scorpio
Look out because this is payback month
for someone you've screwed. And don't come to us for help because you
deserve what you are about to get. Seriously considering taking up residence
as an expatriate in a foreign country. And don't even think about going
to someplace nice because at this stage in your life you probably cannot
afford it. Best bets are Haiti, Bangladesh, and Antarctica. Act immediately
unless you want your scrotum to be your nemesis's spittoon, or those breasts
you have been so proud of as coat hangers.
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Taurus
Face
it, the swinger's clubs you are going to have gotten old. It seems your
partner is always more attractive than the rejects the other swinger's
keep bringing for you to sample. You have become jaded and feel it is
time for renewal.
Buy
a small sports car. Have your partner sit on your lap if you are male
and penetrate her while punching the trip odometer back to zero. Start
driving in any direction and see how far you go before you come. Do this
anytime the mood strikes you. You will be surprised where the two of you
will wind up each night. Not only will this be exciting---after all, if
you are already tired of your partner-you could wind up 500 miles from
where you live---it will be equally exhilarating because you never know
when the cops are going to pull you over. This is best tried out in a
car with a soft removable top.
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Sagitarius
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You
have been doing without for too long so it's time to get back on track
with an old-fashioned grease fuck. So go out and grab a fat bitch or a
man with the biggest beer gut you can find, find a spot in the hot sun,
preferably in full view of as many people as you can find, and have at
it. Be sure to pick one of the hottest days you can. If you are lucky
fame and fortune awaits you as you might find yourself in one of those
foreign bestiality web sites as sweat hogs of the year.
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Gemini
 One
of our last recommendations was for you to get back to the other sex side
of you. That is, ff you are male start having sex with the guys and if
you are female, to get in touch with your Lesbian side. Sorry, but we
made a mistake and by now you have realized that we were wrong. You are
not gay. We now apologize for making you have to explain all of this to
your new friends of the same sex.
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Capricorn
 With
the future of your job becoming precarious lately and the fidelity of
your spouse in doubt, you feel a strong need for fulfillment. It is time
to get more active in the church. Become a youth group leader and be sure
to get into all the young girls' or boys' pants. Some will label you as
being sick, psycho or perverted but don't let this bother you. Have faith
in the fact that you will be affecting their young minds for the rest
of their lives and that having you as a sex partner is much better than
many of the other alternatives awaiting them.
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Cancer
It is time to make sudden changes in your boring, miserable existence.
Cash in everything you own and put it all into the stock market. You will
either win big or lose everything you own. But what the hell, at least
you will have bragging rights on what a high stakes gambler you are. This
will make you seem interesting to others. This is much more than you can
say for yourself, so far. If you lose everything, so what? You can start
hanging out in bars, asking people to buy you drinks while telling stories
about how you nearly made it into the big time, thus becoming not only
the town drunk, but the colorful character you never were before.
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Aquarius
 It
is time to get that swimming pool you've always been dreaming of. Hopefully
many great nude parties are awaiting you and sexual encounters with all
kinds. If not, you can always lie around the pool drinking Hanley's 3.2
beer and smoking pot thinking about all that great sex you used to get.
If all fails you can always get completely stupefied and invite your neighbor's
wife over. So what if she's old, fat, or ugly? The hot sun's frying your
brain and the alcohol or drugs are completing the process. In your warped
state of mind just imagine how much better she used to look as you plant
the ole cattle prod between her legs.
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Leo
Face
it, you are a dominating, egotistical, SOB or bitch and you are not about
to ever be able to change. Become a monk or a nun and keep your companionship
with your fellow human beings to an absolute minimum. If you are unable
or unwilling to do this, move to a strange country. If you are an American
moving to China is ideal. It is going to take years for the citizens from
your new adopted country to understand you. Only in this manner can you
minimize the harm that you can cause others who otherwise might be influenced
by your mindless thoughts.
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Pisces
 A
totally unforeseen business opportunity awaits you. It is time that you
realize that prostitution exists practically everywhere and that is it
up to you to start cashing in on it. Find a place that has many caves.
Move to another state if you have to because this is going to be the place
where you are going to make a financial killing. Then buy a piece of property
having the right cave only a few miles from a fairly large residential
area. The cave will bring out the most craven instincts of all the patrons
who will be flocking to your whorehouse. You are onto the big time and
will be covered in "Playboy" and "Hustler".
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Virgo
 It
is time to make the final plunge and get married….that is if you
aren't married already. You think you have had it rough but you don't
know what true misery is until you've tied the knot. They don't call marriage
tying the knot without good reason. What it means is severely constricting
the vital flow of creativity that flows from your penis or vagina. You
can only truly appreciate life and everything that it offers once you
have passed this rite of passage into adulthood. One bit of advice before
you try this. Don't have it result in a pregnancy because then the unhappiness
that will result from your marital blond will become permanent.
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