Looking Glass Magazine March horror scope

Horror Scopetology

The all seeing Eye

The Satirical Horror Scopes by Nostril dum ass intend to be outrageously insulting to anyone who believes in horoscope nonsense

March 2003 Predictions

For most of you 2003 will be a welcome reprieve from 2002.... Anything is better than last year.... If you had a great year in 2002.... Fuck you !!! I'll do anything in my power so that this year is not a kiss-my-ass happy re-run of some "Leave It To Beaver" episode that would make my dick soft wacking to my favorite Disney porn !!!! Gracious me ... Was I raving ? ....

Predictions:

1) I still cannot be President.... Not the United States, not the local 4-H club... Sorry about the sheep thing , Jack dared me !!!!

2) My articles will be AT LEAST one day late no matter when I write them (sorry Jack)....

3) I will continue to be fucked by the technology God Appleanus ( I hate this iMac piece of shit, but my Microshit cluster fuck .... (Please see last sentence in intro and once again I apologize)

4) I will learn not to apologize or at least how to spell it...( where's the spell check on this piece of shit?)...

5) We will all have another birthday unless I hang myself with this cable no one seems to know what it does...

6) If I get married , I'll get divorced... (again)

7) Iraq-niphobia will obsess the spineless who won't just " PUSH THE FUCKING BUTTON".... Did I mention I won't be President in 2003?...

K enough with the predicktions (intentionally mispelled for a change) ... Let's cut to the chase... (What the fuck does that mean anyway?)

March, 2003

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)						It is here where you cannot escape the eternal truth being revealed
Somethings holding you back from doing something cool... Make up your fucking mind and remember no one loves you... Stand up for yourself for a change but people question your motivation and rightly so... You still think anyone that talks to you wants you..If you want to buy love, you stand a better percentage of luck getting a hooker...
						Aries (March 21-April 19) You'll be chasing someone you think you can connect with... Save your money, don't waste it on contraceptives because it ain't happening... Go to the adult book store and get a toy for yourself or spend an hour or two in the whack boothes... "Beware the Glory Hole"

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21) You are psychic at the beginning of the month... So look into that crystal ball and realize you want that unfamiliar zone that's been offered to you even if you don't admit it... Know what's up in business so you come out looking smoothe... Jump on that secret liason before it's too late and you regret the rest of your life...And I mean jump them...
						Taurus (April 20-May 20) You have some killer ideas this month... This is the month to make those ideas fun... I got an idea... Why not harness that brainstorm so it doesn't turn into a brainfart !!! Do something for humanity ... Like put out for a change... Pizza ain't cheap!!! The Sagittarius moon is mind expanding, so drop some acid... Yellow moons, pink hearts, green clovers, and the purple helmet are your Lucky Charms to a great month
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21) Be careful or you will get fucked in a business arrangement early in the month... You keep too many secrets and expectpeople to spill their guts to you... Quid Pro Quo and "put the lotion in the fucking basket"!!!

			Gemini (May 21-June 20) You should have a fun month... You'll complete that "Shit List"...

			Cancer (June 21-July 22) Your good nature is probably going to let you see some bitchin' shit this month... But make sure you got the lube handy because someone new may have their eye on your 'nargy hole'... If you're into it , make sure they use a ribbed condom for " more traction in the dirt"!!! POOP CHUTE !!!
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 19) Happy Birthday Fuckers !!! Your analitical, know-it-all bullshit will be set aside when you become a blubbering piece of shit mid-month... Let it out, get over it, and give back all the shit you borrowed from me this last year, Bitch!!!
			Leo (July 23-August 22) Your show-off ass is looking for something spiritual... 666 ...There that's as close as you'll ever get... Give me a break you'll fuck over a family member AGAIN and think you're right...Suck a fart out of my ass!!! Gramma doesn't deserve it...
Pisces (June 21-July 22) Youcould accomplish somemagnificant artistic endevours this month... That is if you get your lazy, prima-donna ass off the couch... Maybe you should just take "credit" forother peoples work like you usually do... You're a fucking parasite crawling from the anus of society !!!
			Virgo (July 23-August 22) You'll be generous and caring at the first of the month... Then, like the player you are, you'll try to bang the rest of the volunteers at the soup kitchen... Stay the fuck out of peoples heads because when they realize you've been playing them...Whoa, beware the suicide bomber, you sack of shit...