If
you don't like what you read here, who cares. After all, it's the truth. Unlike
all those other Mickey Mouse horoscopes, which is no more than a single writer's
inept ramblings about something he thinks he believes in or has "seen"
in the stars we are giving you what all of our writers see at once in our
simultaneous vision quest as we tune our minds and imaginations into what
the Cosmic Void osmotes to our collective consciousness. Each month your Horror
Scope will be delivered unto you by one of our writers. But you won't know
which one, will you? This is being done so we can give you what you deserve,
a true vision into what you can hope for, or dread, without our writers feeling
any fear of recrimation from you.
Horror Scope.
September 2002--Just
remember, this is not a horoscope and we didn't invite you here. You came because you wanted to.
It is here
where you cannot escape
the eternal truth being revealed
Be adventure some and go out a lot. And be prepared for meeting that special
other you have always longed for because this is the month you have a
great chance for success. But it's not going to last forever as the psychopathic
tendencies of the special other start to emerge. But that's for another
month. We urge you to go out and delude yourself for the time being since
arousing your passions is what you really want.
Watch your back. Just remember all those
terrible things you have done to others because this is the month you
will be on the receiving end. Be sure to get a lockable gas cap to stop
your enemies from putting sugar into your tank. And don't park in the
same place two nights in a row since the risk of having your car keyed
is very high. Always carry pepper spray with you even when you are just
going to your apartment building's mailbox. Remember….."They
are out to get me", in your thoughts because you know in your heart
that you deserve what's coming to you.
This
is the best month of all to go back to your natural tendencies and to
make the most of them. You are obstinate, pig headed, and like the bull
that only knows how to charge in one direction. Don't fight it. Let your
natural instincts reign. Go to bars as often and for as long as you can
stand it, and when you find someone of the opposite sex who turns you
on, go for it, like the bull that you are charging straight ahead. If
you are male, go up to the gal whose bod you desire and fondle her buttocks
or run your hand right up her crack. And don't be afraid of bending her
over when you are doing it. Remember that this is your month and she's
going to like it. If you are female, don't be afraid of grabbing attractive
men by their scrotums or running your hands up their legs. And if you
are kicked out of the place, simply go to another bar.
Face
it--your best option is to relive the spirit of the sixties. Invite all
kinds of strange people to come live with you. But first take all proper
precautions to hide the car so you will not be taken advantage of. If
you have a nice place tell your new roommates that you are having a hard
time paying the rent and need their help even if it's for only twenty
bucks a month. Or tell them that your daddy is paying for it just to get
you out of New York where he lives and that he once put you in a mental
institution. Chances are your new roommates already know they are crazy
so this is bound to make them feel right at home. Once you get your place
filled with people start a weeding out process so you wind up with mostly
members of the opposite sex. Then start having as much sex as you can
with all of them. And don't worry, if they aren't that terribly attractive,
neither are you, and sex is sex as long as you turn out the lights.
Stay
away from other members of your family because this month finds you most
vulnerable. Your other self is craving to get loose and manifest itself
to both your family and friends and when they find out that you really
are two people they are going to want to put you in a padded cell. At
all costs avoid going to the Driver's Licence Bureau or the Public Library.
In such places your other personality is likely to manifest itself and
somebody's bound to call the cops. For fun and relaxation try the movie
theater where it's dark and you are tempted to play with yourself. Go
and release yourself because with your other self calling out for attention
it's going to be the best time you've ever had with Rosie or Sister Clit.
Do
lots of drugs. You will meet the strangest people while following our
good advice here. If you don't have much money hang out a lot on street
corners or anywhere outside lots of people gather because winter's about
to come on strong. Invest in a tent and go camping where masses of people
congregate and offer them some of your drugs. This is the way to make
lots of new friends. But the best way to do it if you have the financial
resources is to buy a houseboat or a small cabin cruiser and park it at
the nearest Marina. You will meet lots of drunks who like nothing better
than to hang out close to the water getting beer guts and fat asses from
doing nothing.
This
is the time of the year to do what you have always wanted to do. If male
start visiting lots of whores. This can give you practically infinite
variety in women and after all, isn't this what you really want? Variety
is after all the spice of life. If you are female you have probably been
non= assertiveand
not been getting it as much as you'd like. Try escorting on the side for
fun and profit. Such a course is bound to give you much more experience
with men and it's bound to get you out of the house and away from the
kids where you have been dying from miserable boredom.
Romance seems to be eluding you and even when you think you've got it
good, you are dissatisfied with your sex partner. Face it guys, the gal
you are with has started to resemble Porky the Pig, and if she's got a
decent shape at all, she's turned into a castrating bitch. And don't think
you are off the hook simply because you are female and has had the misfortune
to have been born under this sign. The guy who used to be the man of your
dreams has gotten to be a selfish control freak. His fingers have gotten
to be clammy and you dread his touch. It is time to take a Pleasure Cruise.
It doesn't matter where to. Your best bet is Australia, then get lost
in the Outback where nobody can find you, because it's bound to get a
lot worse.
Get hold of
yourself. Your natural inclination to control others has intensified over
the last year and if you continue to tread water you will soon no longer
be fit company for members of the opposite sex. We know this sounds harsh
and unnatural but do it anyway. Go out and find yourself a sheep. Be good
to that sheep. Be kind to that sheep. Stroke it, feed it and bring it
into your home as your nightly companion. Do whatever it takes to seduce
that sheep because only in this way can you train yourself to be less
controlling towards other members of the human species.
Now
is the time to reflect and ponder your miserable existence and how unexciting
your life has been. Think about that gal you got pregnant and how much
you now hate her guts. Or think about that guy who knocked you up and
left you. These are the things to remember because for you nothing much
else ever happened in your life. They say that self pity normally doesn't
accomplish much but in your case don't believe it. After all, what else
can you think of to fill your waking moments? Also remember to do plenty
of barbiturates because they will make you sleep for many more hours than
you are accustomed to. And with luck, if you do enough of them you will
overdose and experience the big sleep from which you will never awaken.
Get off your dead ass and make your fortune. Due to the declines of the
stock market, now is the time to invest. When times are the worse is the
best time to put your life savings to work. Best bets are stock options,
and here we recommend that you put your money in retail companies and
foreign stocks, particularly those of Korean and Indonesian companies.
We predict you will at least quadruple your money. And, if the market
goes the other way and you lose your ass, don't blame us. After all, we
didn't charge you to come here in the first place.
