If you don't like what you read here, who cares. After all, it's the truth. Unlike all those other Mickey Mouse horoscopes, which is no more than a single writer's inept ramblings about something he thinks he believes in or has "seen" in the stars we are giving you what all of our writers see at once in our simultaneous vision quest as we tune our minds and imaginations into what the Cosmic Void osmotes to our collective consciousness. Each month your Horror Scope will be delivered unto you by one of our writers. But you won't know which one, will you? This is being done so we can give you what you deserve, a true vision into what you can hope for, or dread, without our writers feeling any fear of recrimation from you. Just remember, we didn't invite you here. You came because you wanted to. August,
2002 "Killing
I understand. Relationships confuse me." For the Professional Working Girl
Your Horror Scope
It is here where you cannot escape the eternal truth being revealed |
Hold back. Stop a family member from crossing boundaries on the 6th. Remind him, you are too old to play 'Sit on Uncle's Knee.' Single: Flirting draws a businessman to you midmonth, with an entire weekend and a full wallet to kill. Attached: Drench yourself in perfume and jewelry to glam up while getting it on near the 22nd. The 'Pampered Princess' look especially appeals to the older gents. At the Club: Hold your tongue when tempted to defend an associate around the 27th. Remember - shit splatters. Get a Clue : Plan some downtime for yourself close to the 7th -- you need to lie back, relax and let him do all the work for a change.
Seducing the Libra Man -
Be
challenging. Jupiter has him craving foreplay in the form of fun and
games. Near the 22nd, daring him to meet you in public restrooms will
inspire satisfying new Seduction days: 3rd, 18th, 22nd
Scorpio Thrill seek. Ride roller coasters and water slides during your Mars-induced need for speed on the 17th. Then go home with your mouth around him, daring him to drive normally while you take him slow and deep, in a race to see who finishes first. Single: The cerebral hunk you meet near the 8th isn't passionate enough for you. Find a dumb blonde for a meaningful, overnight relationship. Attached: Lock the closet doors when you and your guy crave a quickie at a friend's party around the 16th. At the Club: Paranoia is powering your nerves until the 12th. This is a perfect time for trying out that new toy for some private masturbation. Get a Clue : Forget your diplomacy and ditch any destructive relationships by month's end. There are too many guys who want to worship you, why settle for less?
Seducing the Scorpio Man - Take it easy. Relive one of your most passionate sexual adventures around the 6th by re-creating the erotic events. This dirty déjà vu will translate into a long, naughty night. Seduction days: 10th, 20th, 29th
Leo
Keep
it Cool. Don't blow it when a master manipulator plays mind games
near the 19th. Remind him - he only gets what he gives, so demand
oral satisfaction Single: Your quirky character charms a creative cutie midmonth. Think in terms of edible body paint. Attached: You crave extra attention on the 6th, so ask him to make like an Aussie and head down under. At the Club: Make a bold request of your boss at month's end then tell him 'On your knees!' He's not getting any - till you get yours. Get a Clue : Do major calorie burning around the 25th, when your endurance and sex drive, peaks.
Seducing the Leo Man The royal treatment. The only thing your Lion loves more than attention is luxury. Be his harem girl on the 17th and show him that cool new dance trick you learned from the new girl, then let him lick champagne off your body. Seduction days: 1st, 12th, 21st
Virgo Single: Your quirky character charms a creative cutie midmonth. Think in terms of edible body paint. Attached: You crave extra attention on the 6th, so ask him to make like an Aussie and head down under. At the Club: Make a bold request of your boss at month's end then tell him 'On your knees!' He's not getting any - till you get yours. Get a Clue : Do major calorie burning around the 25th, when your endurance and sex drive, peaks.
Capricorn Be cheap. Don't bust your budget during Venus' luxury-loving rule on the 10th, wait for one of your gentlemen to buy it for you. Single: Hold off on going home with a dreamy dude around the 24th -- he'll turn into a stalking nightmare. Attached: You'll crave alfresco amore midmonth, so pack bug spray and a thick blanket. Poison ivy is no fun in sensitive areas!
At the Club: An appealing job offer
pops up near the 16th -- get all the facts before giving notice. The club
owner may be offering you less than he's paying the rest Get a Clue : Hit the highway with girlfriends around the 2nd for a raucous road trip. Make the trucker's happy by driving topless. Seducing the Capricorn Man Kiss his cookies. Neptune makes your guy exceptionally considerate. When he whips up dinner on the 30th, show your appreciation with some under-the-table action, after telling him - he can't touch! Seduction days: 8th, 15th, 28th
Aquarius Enjoy it. Revel in a long-deserved reward near the 16th then go shopping with a few close girlfriends! You worked hard for that money. Single: A crush will want to get closer by month's end. Get him on his knees to prove his devotion. Attached: Impromptu affection is in order close to the 8th, so be ready for lose your panties at a moment's notice. At the Club: Cover the head honcho's butt on the 15th, when she makes a big-time blunder, then ask for special treatment behind closed doors. Get a Clue : Forget your modesty and flaunt your figure around the 21st, a nudist beach is exactly what you need.
Seducing the Aquarius Man Stomp on the brakes. Your ambitious man mentions some grand plans near the 19th. If he talks about your relationship, pat him on the head and tell him you'll believe it when you see it. Seduction days: 8th, 18th, 27th
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Aries
Don't
Hold Back. Tap into Mercury's energy to put your foot down by the 27th.
A very good day for boot worship; with your best leather thigh-highs and
his Single: Around the 17th, a trouble-making guy gets your panties in a delightful twist. It's Your turn to be spanked! Attached: Check out the Illustrated Kama Sutra for that truly interesting handstand position midmonth, when your sexual appetite craves something new. At the Club: Fight your man-eating tendencies near the 12th. Stay at work to complete your feature tour, then go all out on a moonlight binge - just you and a few men that you picked up as roadies. Get a Clue : When
asteroid Juno makes your personal life resemble The Osbournes, take a
break from togetherness with the girls on an intimate beach trip until
Seducing the Aries Man - Plan an Ambush. The way to wow your Ram this month is by bringing home a good friend to share. From the 5th on, your amorous ambushes, with several good friends in tow, will ensure that he'll rise to the occasion. Lust days: 7th, 13th, 26th.
Taurus Cash out. Selling your old costumes keeps your tight finances flush around the 12th. Single: You'll meet a shy guy (with a killer bod) at month's end. His sincerity is as real as the whopper in his pants. Attached: Sneak down to the shore at night to really make waves on the 23rd. At the Club: Watch your tongue, your opinion affects an employee's hiring or firing on the 5th -- remember that time she covered for you! Get a Clue : Shake your way out of trouble all month, by showing your ass while Mars ups your sex appeal.
Seducing the Taurus Man - Take the reins. Sensual Venus summons your serious guy to explore his submissive side on the 11th. So gently saddle him up and take him on a wild ride. Seduction days: 5th, 14th, 24th
Gemini Kiss ass. Making nice to some old guy in a suit, close to the 7th, wins you a kinky contact with a weekend condo. Single: When a man shortage occurs after the 2nd, dial a few ex's for a emergency booty calls. Attached: Have brunch in bed on the 4th, then dinner, then early breakfast; because Mars's passion mandates that you won't be leaving the bed. At the Club: Use your wit to calm a nervous client early in the month. Get a Clue : You'll get revenge near the 6th, when vindictive Uranus humiliates an enemy. Seducing the Gemini Man -
Get
artsy. His sophisticated side rules his libido late in the month,
thanks to Neptune. Bring body paint into the bedroom, along with a close
friend, and offer to Seduction days: 8th, 11th, 26th
Cancer Kick back. Downtime with friends, a case of brew and hot-oil twister relieves stress around the 11th. Single: Sparks will fly if you force fate and "accidentally" fall into a crush's lap on the 31st. Just don't let management catch you breaking the rules. Offer to bend a few after work and early breakfast. Attached: Your sex sessions may be lukewarm early in the month, but the 8th brings a scorcher with a tray of ice-cubes and some chocolate sauce. At the Club: Be respectful when higher-ups solicit opinions midmonth; the job you're saving might be your own. Get a Clue : Wait for it - After the 21st hit the sale racks when summer bargains and the guy in 'Speedos', catches your eye.
Seducing the Cancer Man
Ease
down. Work your shy guy into a frenzy this month by forgetting your
panties and some tantalizing teasing. On the 13th, bring a friend then
slowly disrobe and Seduction days: 2nd, 9th, 30th
Pisces Sit up. Pay attention to any creative ideas after the 14th, when your inspiration peaks. Watch lots of dirty movies to get ideas for new dance moves. Single: The hottie you meet around the 5th will make a fab fling. Try to hang on for the entire weekend - as he is paying. Attached: Be bad in the bedroom when breaking the rules ups your desire midmonth. Make him spank you for your naughtiness, oh, so good!
At
the Club: Don't schedule morning meetings the week of the 5th, when
Neptune makes tardiness likely. You'll be busy till dawn that entire time
and just won't Get a Clue : Your stamina enters a slump on the 25th, so swear off TV and hit the gym for new hunks to tease. Seducing the Pisces Man
Push
play. Your passionate Pisces' mind-set is focused only on work this
month. Distract him by slipping some porn into his VCR on the 10th and
see what pops Seduction days: 6th, 19th, 25th
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