Looking Glass Magazine Horrorscope: August 2003

Looking Glass Magazine Horrorscope for August 2003 warns Leos of doom ahead as Dirty Heather prepares to battle Killer Chloe to the death at Big Daddy's.

Pseudopsychologies--"False psychologies", popular systems that pretend to discover psychological information through non scientific or deliberately fraudelent methods. Translation--Follow me into the desert and let me unleash my philosophies, for I bring truth and enlightenment. I was given this gift because I was abducted by aliens in 1989 while on a mission in Death Valley, California for the hallucinogenic cactus called Peyote. After a laborious search we finally found a large cluster of them. From there I traveled my own way and ate the cactuses for three days straight. I bumped into Jim Morrison briefly and sold him some poetry and shortly thereafter is when the aliens came and thus came forth these visions.   July, 2003     Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22): It is time for you to go out and join a nudist colony. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know how ashamed you have gotten of your body but that is our whole point. You see, in nudists colonies they teach you not to be ashamed of your body and to accept other people for what they are and not what they look like. So by following our advice you are going to be accomplishing two things. 1. You will learn to cherish your disgusting looking body and 2. You will learn to accept somebody of the opposite sex not for her (his body) but for what that person is. Never mind that this person looks like the Good Year blimb all decked out in lard. You will actually start to like this person and who knows, this might be your future spouse. So become a nudist and stop whining about all the sex you have not been getting.   Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): That colored film you just found on your car seat wasn't left there by the mailman. Face up to the facts, that discharge was yours, after getting drunk last week and having sex with that fat bimbo you picked up in the bars. Let this be a lesson to you that it is not wise to pick up strange women in bars. And for all you Scorpian women out there, it is time you stop giving away your virginity for the 1003rd straight time. Stop giving it away girls, and start cashing in before you get so old that it dries out on you and starts to resemble some old dried up thing from the Sahara Desert. Become a whore. See the country and get a job at the Bunny Ranch, but beware of crotch rot. It will get to you every time.   Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): Get ahold of yourself before it is too late. By now you have started to realize that the wonderful career you thought was so terrific when you first started is a pathetic exercise in total mediocrity. So rise up and be what you were meant to be. Get with a Network Marketing company and be your own boss and make unlimited earnings. That's where it's at, and if your family does not like it when you make them your first sales reps just tell them that you are not going to come to their funerals when they die. This will make them more supportive of your dreams and schemes.   Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19: It is time to fuck a fat chick or a gal who is rail thin. And if you are female how about giving some old guy some? Or someone who's retarded? Do you really think we are crazy to be advising you to do this? Look at it this way, no matter how much you have been getting you can always be getting more. Your technique has been getting rusty or perhaps you never had a technique at all. But when you follow our advice here look at it as a practice session. Nobody's going to care when you practice on the aged, or the insane, or a fat bimbo or guy with a gut so large he looks like he's selling truck tires from around about his middle.   Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 19):   This month marks the celebration of the birth of Killer Chloe and her coming victory over Dirty Heather in the wrestling ring over at Big Daddys Cabaret at Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri. Looking in our fine crystal ball we see Killer Chloe's proud erect form emerging triumphant out of the rice puddin, bisquits and gravy, soul food, jello, or whatever the hell these two will be wrestling to the death in. If you were born an Aquarius, this is going to be the luckiest month of your life. So cash in while you can because it's not going to be many months before these two babes have another titanic struggle in the ring, this time in Iowa. And then Chloe will suffer ignominious defeat at the hands of Dirty Heather. This will pose very bad tidings for Aquarians who will be losing their jobs by the droves, their life fortunes and their loved ones. Our advice is to rake it in this month while you can and then move to a new country. Hot countries you should consider are Tibet, Borneo, and Haiti. Your dollar will go further in these places, after all, so prepare thyselves.   Pisces (February 20-March 20): Go out and get a jeep before the summer is over. Your bad luck with the opposite sex is about to change so it's time to start having plenty of car sex. And the returns have already started to come in. Those who drive jeeps get more sex in their vehicles than any other group of people and this includes the Russians who have started becoming cab drivers here in the U.S. So go out and get that jeep and start having hot sex before the transmission even starts to cool down.           Aries (March 21-April 19:  This is the month for self discovery for the Arian looking for the meaning of life. Use that new found income you were not really counting on to your advantage. And if you didn't do as well as we thought you have, then just go out and borrow the money. Take a trip out to the wilds. We suggest a camera safari in Africa or go out and visit the Mayan ruins in Central America. Go out and get that mountain bike you've been wanting or that thoroughbred racing horse. Whatever your credit line can handle. The winter will be coming before you know it and then you will have to start spending a lot of time indoors. So do it now before you suddenly find out you have started to die and don't have much time left.   Taurus (April 20-May 20):   This is the month for you to finally break down and get that Harley. For too long now you've been playing it safe. You've been paying your taxes, paying your insurance premiums on time and keeping your mouth shut about what you really think. You now owe it to yourself and let it all hang out. Get that bike tomorrow and drive it to Harley Fest, Harley Davidson's 100th year anniversary up in Wisconsin. Up there the crowds will be waiting for you and who knows, you might meet your significant other.   Gemini (May 21-June 21):  Face it, this has been the worse summer of your life. Now that it's almost over it is time for you to realize why this has been so. You've gotten fat with your flesh starting to hang out over your belt and this is why you have started to repel the members of the opposite sex. Time to join a gym. Or take up roller blading. You will find that you will be meeting the nicest people out rollerblading as you start to eat up that lard that's been accumulating around your middle. Make the coming new year the year you start developing a new body     Cancer (June 22-July 22):   It is time for you to go out and get that new RV you've been craving for all these years. For most people travelings a social event for you never know who you are going to meet at all those motels you would be staying at. But with an RV you will be staying either alone or with those who you are traveling with who by now have gotten used to your disgusting ways. So do the world a favor and get that RV so you won't be running into all the rest of us at the motels we will be staying at.   Leo (July 23-August 22): Since this is the sign of Dirty Heather who will be fighting Killer Chloe to the death over at Big Daddys on September 12th it is time that all you Leos out there realize this is going to be a very bad month. Heather will be defeated in the wrestling ring at the hands of the Missouri undefeated champion. Since most of you choose to live life vicariously or as otherwise known as "Armchair Quarterbacks", this catastrophic defeat of your heroine spells catastrophe. It is essential that you withdraw from all social encounters. Move to a new city or state if you can. Try to weather out all the misfortune that is coming to you. Then pop up later to ride the resurgent wave when Heather rises from the ashes to defeat Killer Choe in a rematch in the home state of Iowa.   Virgo (August 23-September 22):   You will have a very successful month since all the good deeds you did last month will come back to repay you. So it is time to take stock of yourself and to give humble blessing to those who are less fortunate than you. And do give to charity. In fact, we have a charity right here we would like to have you give to. Send your donation to "The writers of the Looking Glass, post office box 3021, Appleton, WI 54915".   Click above for the current issue of "The Looking Glass Magazine"                 View My Stats