Horror Scopetology June 2003--I see all for it is Eye who see your Future 

 

That rash between your legs you think is poison ivy is not what you think it is. Think of who you've been to bed with the last few months. Ever hear of the latest strain of herpes that has been imported from Indonesia? Look for it to keep reoccurring and don't expect us to feel sorry for you. Just remember, you will become what you fuck, which is why they used to film all those blob movies back in the fifties. Spring is here and summer is about to scorch all of you Scorpios with intense desire for screwing whatever moves. Since lately people have been getting onto you, having sex with something that can move is no longer an option. Best bets are finding members of the opposite sex who are too drunk to resist you, the aged, and the cemeteries. Nursing homes can b one of your best bets because while you are banging the residents you can work on getting the last of their life savings which is exactly what we would expect out of you in the first place . It is time to go camping and to get away from it all. But resist the temptation for buying that RV thinking you are going to have a motel on wheels. Face it, most of the world despises all those crusty rusty old souls driving these mastodons. If you are going to get any sex while out in the boonies, you are going to have to make do with a pup tent.   With your love life on the wane it is best to make your summer a positive one. Seek refuge in the business world. If you don't have your own business already it's time to get one. Getting into drugs should prove to be an exciting and monetarily rewarding career. Another option if you have the cash is to become a pawn broker because you will meet a lot of people while running your shop. This has the additional advantage of recharging your sex life which if you don't do something about it soon will leave you winding up looking like an old dried up prune instead of having a smooth set of sexual machinery.   This is your month seeing that you were born under the water sign. So go out and enjoy the water sports to the max. If you have the money go out and buy a party boat and if you don't canoe float trips provide you with a cheap option for lots of drinking and sex out on the water. At all costs avoid pregnancy since we can virtually guarantee that your present sexual partner is going to soon turn into the Good Year blimp, especially if she's female. Now there's nothing wrong with having a Good Year blimp for a partner since she can't move very fast to follow you around and know your whereabouts. But who wants to fuck one? Would you plank a water buffalo? Of course not. The month of July holds the most danger for you because that's the time that most women come into heat. So it is best to seek out partners who have sex with lots of other people. That way you can always blame the other guy and walk away from the situation with your head held up high because there's a good chance that woman you thought you impregnated got knocked up by that unemployed guy with the greasy hair.   This summer is going to be very dicey for you to say the least. You will find many people trying to get something out of you--to live with you for instance. There is a good chance you will have your home burglarized or to be taken advantage of by someone you thought was your friend. Best advice is to avoid all personal relationships of every kind. A good move is to join the Audobon Society and to get a set of those high powered binoculars. You can then spend hours out in the woods studying birds as they shit all over the trees without having any chance of ever meeting anyone. Another idea you might want to explore is to take a trip out to northern Alaska or better yet Antartica to watch penguins, polar bears or sea lions. This way you can spend your summer in complete obscurity. In fact, we recommend you do this for the rest of your life so you can later on pass away unnoticed. And trust us, the world will be much better off if you do because people born under your sign never amount to anything anyway

You are very fortunate to have been born under a good sign. How do I know this? Why...I'm an Aries myself. Arians are very creative people who do nearly everything right. They are natural born leaders who the world would be wise to follow. We are all going to have a great summer, eat plenty of good food and have sex with all kinds of beautiful people, which is only fair. After all, we deserve it. We tend to be very good in business and great seducers of the opposite sex. We are wise, and most of us will wind up being very rich. Nearly all of us will wind up going to Heaven when we die and very few of us will have to face a painful death. Most of those we leave behind will revere our memory and remember everything that we have taught them. Any sexual partner who doesn't really appreciate us will wind up regreting it since it's impossible for this person to find anyone better. A perfect world would be one in which the rest of us didn't have to put up with all of you lazy fat asses born under this sign. You act as if you know it all and pretend that you are never wrong. You are a bunch of obstinate cretins having the intelligence of a wombat, which we all know is a marsupian creature having a pouch that resembles a kangaroo which is exactly where you have your head at, in a pouch whether its the pouch between your mishapen balls or that fat old ugly thing most of you Tarsian women have whch some people call a beer gut. The best hope for you is for all of you to pretend like you are a bunch of lemmings and to follow each other out onto a cliff where you can jump off into the water and all go drown yourselves Geminis are fuzzy little creatures with underdeveloped brains. These are the people that Hitler called the Untermenshen or sub humans. It is good that you exist however since this gives the rest of us the chance to run over you and to take unfair advantage. Gemini women are some of the best women around because they can be easily seduced and lied to. They are the kind who love giving blowjobs for an hour or more and like it even more when the guy starts cutting farts on them. Gemini men make good GG's or Go Getters for women more intelligent than they are which means most women. They are the caddies of everyday life since they love being used by others. So Hitler was wrong trying to destroy them since they can be very useful. I had a Gemini woman once who had a flat head and stood about five foot tall. She made a great shelf on which I could keep my beer as she gave me head while I watched T.V.  Leos think they are the best sex partners in the world. Have you ever met a Leo who thinks he/she invented oral sex? Okay, you know what we mean. Leos are best taken in small dosages. Although they tend to be intelligent they have not realized yet that the rest of us have caught onto them. The best match for a Leo for compatibility is Gemini for they do not know what they do. The next best match for Leo is Capricorn simply because although both will wind up miserable both signs deserve this. Although Leos like the Lion they are named after are known for their courage, this form of courage is like the man who sticks the top part of his head into the whirling blades of a helicopter. After they lop off the top of his head, he inserts the rest of his head in the belief that he is actually going to get somewhere from being decapitated. Leos are beat at being Accountants, writers, and artists where they can whither away in the back of the office, not be seen, or heard or have much discourse with the other wretches having to share office space with them.   Virgo's are a happy go lucky lot who tend to make others feel good to be around them. This can be a huge mistake however since virgos at first seem to be a lot more intelligent than they actually are. If you happen to have a virgo on your corporate team it is best to make him/her a driver, or in charge of deliveries. Fast food restaurants make excellent opportunities for the upwardly mobile virgo. If you are female it is best to avoid having sex with a virgo male since it's likely he will forget to put on the rubber. But for men it is difference since the virgo female will most likely forget exactly who is is who has impregnated her. If you ever have the opportunity to either date or to employ a Virgo just remember that during World War II, the Russians entirely made use of both Geminis and Virgos to act as human minesweepers. That is they sent waves of them to detonate the mines while the rest of their armies marched over their dead bodies.

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