Horrorscope:  Looking Glass Magazine June 2003

Dive into the satirical Horrorscope of June 2003 and discover what the all-seeing eye predicts for your future in this unique edition of Looking Glass Magazine.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22):That rash between your legs you think is poison ivy is not what you think it is. Think of who you've been to bed with the last few months. Ever hear of the latest strain of herpes that has been imported from Indonesia? Look for it to keep reoccurring and don't expect us to feel sorry for you. Just remember, you will become what you fuck, which is why they used to film all those blob movies back in the fifties.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): Spring is here and summer is about to scorch all of you Scorpios with intense desire for screwing whatever moves. Since lately people have been getting onto you, having sex with something that can move is no longer an option. Best bets are finding members of the opposite sex who are too drunk to resist you, the aged, and the cemeteries. Nursing homes can b one of your best bets because while you are banging the residents you can work on getting the last of their life savings which is exactly what we would expect out of you in the first place

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): It is time to go camping and to get away from it all.  But resist the temptation for buying that RV thinking you are going to have a motel on wheels. Face it, most of the world despises all those crusty rusty old souls driving these mastodons. If you are going to get any sex while out in the boonies, you are going to have to make do with a pup tent.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19: With your love life on the wane it is best to make your summer a positive one. Seek refuge in the business world. If you don't have your own business already it's time to get one. Getting into drugs should prove to be an exciting and monetarily rewarding career. Another option if you have the cash is to become a pawn broker because you will meet a lot of people while running your shop. This has the additional advantage of recharging your sex life which if you don't do something about it soon will leave you winding up looking like an old dried up prune instead of having a smooth set of sexual machinery.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 19): This is your month seeing that you were born under the water sign. So go out and enjoy the water sports to the max. If you have the money go out and buy a party boat and if you don't canoe float trips provide you with a cheap option for lots of drinking and sex out on the water. At all costs avoid pregnancy since we can virtually guarantee that your present sexual partner is going to soon turn into the Good Year blimp, especially if she's female. Now there's nothing wrong with having a Good Year blimp for a partner since she can't move very fast to follow you around and know your whereabouts. But who wants to fuck one? Would you plank a water buffalo? Of course not. The month of July holds the most danger for you because that's the time that most women come into heat. So it is best to seek out partners who have sex with lots of other people. That way you can always blame the other guy and walk away from the situation with your head held up high because there's a good chance that woman you thought you impregnated got knocked up by that unemployed guy with the greasy hair.

Aries (March 21-April 19:  You are very fortunate to have been born under a good sign. How do I know this? Why...I'm an Aries myself. Arians are very creative people who do nearly everything right. They are natural born leaders who the world would be wise to follow. We are all going to have a great summer, eat plenty of good food and have sex with all kinds of beautiful people, which is only fair. After all, we deserve it. We tend to be very good in business and great seducers of the opposite sex. We are wise, and most of us will wind up being very rich. Nearly all of us will wind up going to Heaven when we die and very few of us will have to face a painful death. Most of those we leave behind will revere our memory and remember everything that we have taught them. Any sexual partner who doesn't really appreciate us will wind up regreting it since it's impossible for this person to find anyone better.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):  A perfect world would be one in which the rest of us didn't have to put up with all of you lazy fat asses born under this sign. You act as if you know it all and pretend that you are never wrong. You are a bunch of obstinate cretins having the intelligence of a wombat, which we all know is a marsupian creature having a pouch that resembles a kangaroo which is exactly where you have your head at, in a pouch whether its the pouch between your mishapen balls or that fat old ugly thing most of you Tarsian women have whch some people call a beer gut. The best hope for you is for all of you to pretend like you are a bunch of lemmings and to follow each other out onto a cliff where you can jump off into the water and all go drown yourselves

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Geminis are fuzzy little creatures with underdeveloped brains. These are the people that Hitler called the Untermenshen or sub humans. It is good that you exist however since this gives the rest of us the chance to run over you and to take unfair advantage. Gemini women are some of the best women around because they can be easily seduced and lied to. They are the kind who love giving blowjobs for an hour or more and like it even more when the guy starts cutting farts on them. Gemini men make good GG's or Go Getters for women more intelligent than they are which means most women. They are the caddies of everyday life since they love being used by others. So Hitler was wrong trying to destroy them since they can be very useful. I had a Gemini woman once who had a flat head and stood about five foot tall. She made a great shelf on which I could keep my beer as she gave me head while I watched T.V.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Cancers are sensitive people, very emotional: Cancerrs are sensitive people, very emotional types.  People sometimes think that you are .  Let me start with a story. A close friend's mother is a cancer. How do I put this as nicely as I can; SHE WAS INSANE. Oh damn was she crazy! Yup. Everything made her cry, scream or sit catatonically staring at a wall for days on end. A typical exchange went something like this: " Hello Mrs. Concannon. How are you today? Mrs. Concannon? Are you okay?" Nothing. I would follow with, " I am just going to head up to Tommy's room then. Is that okay with you?" Of course, then she would start screaming at me for being inside of her house and for stealing her friggin silver ware or something like that. I had no idea as to what she was ever really talking about. Many times she would be piss drunk and crying sitting on the couch or something like that. What a crazy bitch she was.

Lucky number… Hold on…what am I Kreskin? 16. 16, is your lucky number. That just came to me honest.