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The Studmuffin Times
April 1999
Fifth Edition
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Canadians kidnap Dollies Playhouse Dancer
Tori
now enslaved in Canadian Strip Club
 Canadian pair kidnap American super entertainer
Tori and leave her working her butt to the bone at Private Eyes in Toronto
for unscrupulous Canadian masters.
Most unprecedented scene of diabolical brainwashing ever committed in
the Metro East Clubs. "I thought I could trust them," Jack Corbett says
to a special investigation team of ex CIA, FBI, KGB and Roman Catholic
agents appointed by the Pope during his visit to St Louis.
Five days and nights of straight partying here set the whole thing up.
Suddenly scant days after Beater and El Chid return to Canada Tori informs
everyone--"I'm flying out to Detroit tomorrow."
Next thing we know she's at the Detroit airport waiting for the Canadians
to pick her up. A mysterious black car arrives at the aiport, ushers Tori
off, and the Canadian miscreants smuggle her across the border.
It is expected that she will be wined and dined and subjected to some
of the most fun partying ever experienced. Next....she will turn on Jack
and Howard in the next Studmuffin contest-----a creature with no free will
of her own, a mere pawn of the Canadian Menace.
The New York Dimes reports Jack vowing: "I don't want to lower myself
to offering bribes and I never will but if she comes back I"m putting her
on the Dollies web site."
Meanwhile it is expected that the Beater, El Chid, Chris Wellington,
Angel, Sickboi, the Dirty Dawg, and Angel will subject Tori to so much
unrelenting propaganda and Tequila and that she will no longer be loyal
to Howard and Jack.
Stay tuned for the
latest updates on the kidnaping of the Century. Dollies Manager, Howard, puts bounty on Beater and Chid's
heads.
"I don't want them alive", Howard demands. "I want both their heads
on a plate so I can eat them for breakfast".
They stole one of our best girls, but we've already gotten revenge for
that one. "They think they can steal our dancers? Bullshit. We've already
been to Toronto and stole two of their best girls and I've got them working
for me now. And the best part of it is, we have done these two Canadian
girls a big favor by rescuing them from that Cesspool of a club they have
the balls to call, Private Eyes."
"They cannot win this one because I always get the best girls," boasts
Howard in an exclusive interview by Whitey Limpdick of the St Louis Postoarma,
Dego Hill's answer to the St Louis Post Dispatch after watching Howard
down over 32 shots of Tequila in the Dollies backroom. "But what
really pisses me off," Howard is reported saying, "Is when El Chid slipped
me that Micky and they cut my hair, then poisoned me."
Beater caught trying to bribe Howard
 Pictures do not lie....especially if Jack's taking them. A hidden microphone
close by picks Beater's voice up, promising: "Howard, here's two grand.
We don't want you ever running against me for Studmuffin. So lay down this
next election and let me take over.
Beater
caught bribing Howard
Jack learns he has a Canadian son
Everyone astonished. Dancers and staff at Dollies and two other clubs
are stunned and paralyzed over the prospect of two Jacks. But------incredibly
the most surprised and perplexed is Jack.
This is the stuff great movies are made of reports the Lost Angeles
Sun. Boy born out of wedlock in another country. Mother cannot find the
father. Twenty-five years later the boy has become a man, learns the truth
and searches the web for his real father.
For
the full story click here
Howard steals two Canadian feature entertainers
At first depressed when the Beater and Chid kidnap Tori from under his
nose, perennial Studmuffin champ and manager at Dollies strikes back by
stealing two Canadian dancers from Toronto club.
See who they are, why the two Canadian features are so highly acclaimed,
and how Howard pulled off one of the boldest counter attacks ever conceived.
Exclusive from the
Studmuffin Times, the
only newspaper that promises and delivers the truth, what Harold Muddle
of the Chicago Times has called Twentieth Century
Mankind's only Window to sanity in a world where the news from all other
publications has become a quicksand of unreality.
Read
the true story of the two Canadian features and how Howard got them to
work for him
Back to Howard's Page
B e
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It is Canada versus the U.S.
Howard in danger of
losing his title
Howard
the
popular
club
manager
at
Dollies
has
won
the coveted title of Studmuffin
twice in a row beating as many as
eleven challengers when the voting
took place on the Alphapro web site
at http://www.alphapro.com
Most of the action took place at
Dollies when the girls lined up
either for him or against him. But
their loyalty towards their manager
could not be shaken. Jack Corbett,
the writer and publisher of "Death
on the Wild Side" tried to buy the
girls votes by offering them free
drinks, then he posted fictitious
identities of women voters in the
Lost Angels chats in order to beat
Howard but he was caught red
handed.
Since then Corbett's web site
became truly international. The
Canadians started to arrive en mass.
It all started when Jack met the self
proclaimed number one strip club
junkie of Canada, the infamous Inferno, and the two of them started
cyber drinking together. Then the Interno started bringing his
Canadian buddies onto the Web
Site and they all became Cuervo
cyber buddies.
Which led to the Inferno visiting
Jack here in East St. Louis. Which
is taking Jack up to Toronto this
November 7th for Jackfest.
Drunk one night at Dollies the two
planned the First International Stud
Muffin contest ever to be run and
Beater somehow came up with
Dawg as the challenger to
Howard-the same Dirty Dog who
has tried to kidnap several Dollies
dancers to do porno movies for him
in Canada.
(To be continued on page 3)
The Dirty Dog
Dawg we meant. That was just a
typo. What do you expect here
anyway? This newspaper is free.
He's into porn big time. And the
women he has doing it are covered
with creepy crawlers. Even Jack
wouldn't date them and that's saying
a lot.
We
expect the
Canadians
to
cheat
big
time in this election. Otherwise a
Dog like this Dawg could not
possibly mount a threat to Howard's
Stufmuffin title.
( continued on page 4)
Studmuffin Contest
Rules
We are trying to keep this contest
honest but that should prove to be
practically impossible. Already the
Canadians are showing us that they
are cheating. We might have no
recourse than to cheat as well. After
all, as the late Vince Lombardi said,
"Winning is not the most important
thing, it is the only thing."
There will be two "Impartial
Commissioners", one Canadian, the
other American. Both women are
women representing the dancing
profession.
Kwinn, a Niagra Falls dancer who
holds a Masters Degree in
Agricultural Science has
volunteered to be the Canadian
commissioner.
Jack took Kwinn at her word
believing her to be a woman of
integrity. But already some of the
American girls in the Lost Angels
group have raised serious questions
about Kwinn's impartiality.
Already she has turned a blind eye
into Beater's compilation of a
mailing list that is email based. Ex
Dollies and C_mowes entertainer
Jade said it best--------"This method
of voting is elitist and would
eliminate most qualified voters as
the venue for voting has been put
together by the Beater and his
nefarious colleagues." Then Alex
who once performed at Dollies,
Chameleon and C_Mowes brought
up Inferno's and Dawg's visiting her
in club where they proceeded to tip
her heavily.
Heaven, who represented the
Alphapro booth at the 1998
Gentlemens Club Owners
Convention was even more
skeptical predicting that Kwinn
would end up dating the Inferno or
Dawg or both.
An American Savior
Needed
To save Howard's ass, that's what
we need. To reestablish good
photography in the
topless-bottomless industry. To
promote Budweiser Beer over that
inferior slop produced by Canadian
breweries.
An
American
commissioner
must
be
found...and
soon.
A
woman
whose
purity
is
unquestioned .
An American
Savior" Continued
And whose virtues reach the
absolute pinnacle of
sanctimonious righteousness.
Because of the world threat
that Canada presents if it
should win the coming
Studmuffin election we are
undergoing serious
negotiations with Alabama
who played the wayward Nun,
Sister Margarita in the Dollies
Trendy Toilet Sex Series as
presented on the Alpha
Productions Internet Theater
known as the Lost Angels.
We hope she accepts this
position of being the
American Impartial
Commissioner. It is merely a
question of price now.
"Howard in Danger
of" (continued from
page 1)
First the Dirty Dog tried to get
Brandy to leave Dollies to do
porno movies for him in
Toronto. Calling her at her
home he said: "It only hurts
for a little bit honey. The
Chinese will love your
pictures however." She
refused.
Dirty Dawg then called
Alabama at Dollies. Now just
imagine what gall that took,
asking a nun to do a porno
flick? Worse....He is reported
as promising her--"Honey,
once you let me get into the
habit you will always want
me."
The Inferno and Dirty Dawg
are a serious threat to
Howard's world championship
as reigning Studmuffin. They
are well financed by leading
pornographic concerns both in
Canada and in Amsterdam and
they are rumored to be buying
a Bangkok bordello.
We are not sure of our facts
on this one..so don't sue us or
we might just have you
drowned in the Mississippi
River but our sources tell us
that the duo plan on kidnaping
American entertainers and
shipping them off to the
bordello in Thailand where
they will be forced to compete
with 12 year old Thais.
Another important source for
their funds is the "Never Last"
Rubber company a leading
firm in the prophylactic
industry.
The Dirty Dawg and his
campaign manager, The Inferno are going to need all of
this money because they sure
as hell can't take pictures.
Still-----this threat is so real
and so terrifying that Jack
Corbett will be on his way to
Toronto, Canada to do his
own private investigation of
their highly illicit activities
putting his life on the line by
drinking with The Inferno and his
minions. To stop Corbett,
Beater has commissioned
Angel, a young college coed
to take care of him, whatever
that means.
The Canucks are
calling us names
That's right and we are not
going to put up with that.
First, they don't call us
Americans. They call us
Merikans which makes us out
to be bloodthirsty savages.
(Continued on page 4)
The Canucks are
calling us names
(continued from
page 3)
The Canadians headed by Big
Mike, Sickboi, the Inferno,
Dirty Dawg, and Kwinn are
casting us as a bunch of
Budweiser swigging gun
toting barbarians who live on
dirt floors.
They claim we keep goats in
our rooms and that they won't
let us bring our goats with us
when we visit them.
What we are calling
the Canadians
Communists and socialists. It
is getting to be country against
country. Their beer is slop.
They don't have the common
sense to carry guns. And the
men prefer sheep over goats.
Passions are riding high on
this one
Dirty Dawg
(continued from
page 2)
So there we have it. Dawg is
after the St. Louis Metro East
girls on the pretense of paying
them well to do pornography.
His real intentions are
diabolical. Using the vast
sums of cash he has available
to him he wants to get them to
Canada then ship them off to
Bangkok where they will be
made into prostitutes with no
escape in sight.
Howard represents a basic
goodness that stems from his
being an ex over the road
truck driver. He is so good
hearted that women cannot
stay away from him.
The question is, can he
survive this well financed
Canadian onslaught?
Howard is going to need the
votes of every woman who
can either get online or come
to Dollies to vote on either the
computer or the club's web tv.
Stay tuned and
become unglued
This one's going to be a battle
to the finish. Think the Cold
War was something? Well,
this one's a hot war. Just
remember, you get it first in
the Studmuffin Times.
The future of your children is
on the line here as the upstart
Storm trooper types try to
march on every value system
you treasured. Just remember
that the little girl you are
raising might be the next to be
shipped to a Bangkok
bordello. Unless you join
forces against the Menace
from the North before it is too
late.
We have our secretive
operatives in Canada doing
the best they can. But they
have their clandestine under
covers in the U.S. Beater and
the Canadian Dawg are too
well financed not to.
So what can you do? When
the time calls do your civic
duty and vote for Howard, the
true Studmuffin above all
pretenders to his well
deserved thrown. After
all.....The future of the United
States and the freedom of all
Americans is at stake on this
one.