Horror Scopetology

The All seeing eye

If you don't like what you read here, who cares. After all, it's the truth. Unlike all those other Mickey Mouse horoscopes, which is no more than a single writer's inept ramblings about something he thinks he believes in or has "seen" in the stars we are giving you what all of our writers see at once in our simultaneous vision quest as we tune our minds and imaginations into what the Cosmic Void osmotes to our collective consciousness. Each month your Horror Scope will be delivered unto you by one of our writers. But you won't know which one, will you? This is being done so we can give you what you deserve, a true vision into what you can hope for, or dread, without our writers feeling any fear of recrimation from you.

Just remember, we didn't invite you here. You came because you wanted to.

 

The Looking Glass Adult Magazine

November, 2002


This is not a namby pamby horoscope.  You could well dread what you read in our Horror Scope

 

It is here where you cannot escape
the eternal truth being revealed

LibraIt is time for a fat bitch. Yes, it is your turn topull the weight: "Fat women need love too!" should be the next bumper sticker you get foryour car. (I'm betting this sticker will get you laid all month long!) Besides, it's good for your biceps! You ever wonder why you see a fat chick with some skinny dude? That's because he's doing the Tae Bo, Bowflex and Jane Fonda workout on that big ass! Live out your inhibitions.

 

Aries It is an odd month for you. The stars, they gather in question and wonder if you will ever have the balls to ask your old lady if you can fuck her in the ass. Take matters into your ownhands for a change and hide a bottle of ass lube under your pilllow covers. In the middle of your regular early morning romp before work: quickly and covertly squeeze a shot of it all over your cock and incidentally pretend to miss her vagina and slam it home to butt hole heaven. Hang on tight though and don't fall for that ("stop., it hurts!" shit.

 

 

Scorpio Watch Scorpios are pretty slick but they need to time their motives precisely, for as one would know if they've ever watched a Scorpio that they attack using the element of surprise and lethal poison of course. These individuals are usually successful in their endeavors. So this month the stars beckon you to seek an endeavor of deceipt and adultory simply for the matter that you are capable of getting away with it.

 

Taurus Do lots of drugs. It will be the only way to cope with your pathetic existence. When are you finally going to tell people to fuck off? Always remember that people aren't as important as you think they are. When they look at toilet paper they're seeing the same shit stains you are. Of course they are suffering from a severe case of hemorhoids. Either way, get high as hell and then go tell a bunch of people to fuck off.

 

Sagitarius

A very sexual person this sign promotes. One who is into very erotic encounters whether they appear in natural and physical form or the forms of Art and Literature. Your spouse is an opposite of this attribute and conflicts arise over all the erotic paintings and pictures you decorate your home. Within a question is posed and the answer lies within your spiritual freedom and how much it means to you. It is a question of opportunity costs (and does in order to receive the other). Either way you choose consequences but one road will lead to a sense of fulfillment.

GeminiJudging on where your moon is positioned, I'd say it is time to get that vasectomy you've been debating about. Think about it. You are earning about $40,000 a year; you can't pay close to $550 a month in child support not to mention all the other shit you are going to have to have to pay for from the sneakers, flu shots, jeans, fees for Boy and Girl scouts of America, to buying hundreds of dollars of candles and all kinds of other shit the local schools will make them sell. The sound of scissors snipping your nuts apart would be sweet music to your ears compared to somebody screaming "just give my fucking check."

 

CapricornYour tendency for violence is brewing this month. The feeling is
perpetual and leaves you pacing your sleazy motel room of the night. The voices in your head are real no matter what your psychiatrist has told you. The time is near but the message fails to come clear. It will come though. There are still a few things you have not done yet. Somewhere you have missed something and the pacing will not stop until you figure it out.

CancerThis month do everyone a favor and that is, in the morning please brush your teeth. Your co-workers are tired of smelling your girl friend's ass on your breath. This is not a message to discourage you from eating your girl friend's ass, because you know it is the only way to keep that woman around.  Who cares if she's three hundred pounds, remember sometimes the only alternative to jerking off sometimes is a nice juicy fat chick; just don't be bringing your leftoves to work the next morning.

 

Aquarius This sign is more appealing to the female at times. It tends to cater to the feministic attributes. So if you are male you should concentrate more to your feminine qualities and also focus on activities that promote good will in our society. females in this instance should just give their pussy willingly to most passerby's to ease sexual tension in our crazy world. Half the battle men fight in this world is fought trying to get laid so every women should gather around and listen very intently. Just spread those legs nice and wide without question so each man can go into the night gently.

Leo Yes, that burning sensation you are getting while urinating is a bit of a problem, and should be looked at by a professional. Get back to Jesus for Christ's sake, andstop fucking them crack whores without a condom. Other than that, focus on summer barbeques and staring at the Moon for long periods of time. The Moon is an energy that can guide you into positive lights: look into it and drink excessively. Most people accept alcoholism as a valid excuse for staring at the sky and talking to themselves, over the Metaphysical part of everything.

 

PiscesFishing season started last month so be wary of folks that cross your path; for fish are part of your
sign, and makes you prey to others. Your sexual scents will be particularly strong this month and also moving onto the summer. I foresee heavy uninhibited hot sex all summer long for you. Enjoy every moment and quite possibly document every experience because Hell will freeze over before it ever happens again. Key phrase: Anything is possible.

 

VirgoDude, please get out of your Momma's house: You're the reason people came up with commercials about: "Why kids shouldn't smoke pot." You're that dumbass that didn't realize he was stupid to begin with, the drugs had nothing to do with it. A Friday night should not consist of a six pack, Star Wars, and jerking off to T.V. Get a life man, get back in the race! It sucks but it's better than sniffing your Mom's ass in the morning.

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