Horror Scopetology

The all seeing Eye

If you don't like what you read here, who cares. After all, it's the truth. Unlike all those other Mickey Mouse horoscopes, which is no more than a single writer's inept ramblings about something he thinks he believes in or has "seen" in the stars we are giving you what all of our writers see at once in our simultaneous vision quest as we tune our minds and imaginations into what the Cosmic Void osmotes to our collective consciousness. Each month your Horror Scope will be delivered unto you by one of our writers. But you won't know which one, will you? This is being done so we can give you what you deserve, a true vision into what you can hope for, or dread, without our writers feeling any fear of recrimation from you.

 

The Looking Glass Adult Magazine

Horror Scope. September 2002--Just remember, this is not a  horoscope
and  we didn't invite you here. You came because you wanted to.


 

It is here where you cannot escape
the eternal truth being revealed

 


LibraThis is your lucky month. Cut all ties with members of the opposite sex and start enjoying the taste of freedom. You will be surprised at how many new sex partners you will be finding. Best bets are Country Western Bars, the country club pub, and dance clubs, but only those dance clubs where lots of liquor is being served. Get drunk and release all inhibitions. A great idea is to take a long trip on a train where you will soon be meeting a new lover.

 

Aries

Be adventure some and go out a lot. And be prepared for meeting that special other you have always longed for because this is the month you have a great chance for success. But it's not going to last forever as the psychopathic tendencies of the special other start to emerge. But that's for another month. We urge you to go out and delude yourself for the time being since arousing your passions is what you really want.

 

 

Scorpio Watch your back. Just remember all those terrible things you have done to others because this is the month you will be on the receiving end. Be sure to get a lockable gas cap to stop your enemies from putting sugar into your tank. And don't park in the same place two nights in a row since the risk of having your car keyed is very high. Always carry pepper spray with you even when you are just going to your apartment building's mailbox. Remember….."They are out to get me", in your thoughts because you know in your heart that you deserve what's coming to you.

 

Taurus This is the best month of all to go back to your natural tendencies and to make the most of them. You are obstinate, pig headed, and like the bull that only knows how to charge in one direction. Don't fight it. Let your natural instincts reign. Go to bars as often and for as long as you can stand it, and when you find someone of the opposite sex who turns you on, go for it, like the bull that you are charging straight ahead. If you are male, go up to the gal whose bod you desire and fondle her buttocks or run your hand right up her crack. And don't be afraid of bending her over when you are doing it. Remember that this is your month and she's going to like it. If you are female, don't be afraid of grabbing attractive men by their scrotums or running your hands up their legs. And if you are kicked out of the place, simply go to another bar.

 

Sagitarius

Face it--your best option is to relive the spirit of the sixties. Invite all kinds of strange people to come live with you. But first take all proper precautions to hide the car so you will not be taken advantage of. If you have a nice place tell your new roommates that you are having a hard time paying the rent and need their help even if it's for only twenty bucks a month. Or tell them that your daddy is paying for it just to get you out of New York where he lives and that he once put you in a mental institution. Chances are your new roommates already know they are crazy so this is bound to make them feel right at home. Once you get your place filled with people start a weeding out process so you wind up with mostly members of the opposite sex. Then start having as much sex as you can with all of them. And don't worry, if they aren't that terribly attractive, neither are you, and sex is sex as long as you turn out the lights.

GeminiStay away from other members of your family because this month finds you most vulnerable. Your other self is craving to get loose and manifest itself to both your family and friends and when they find out that you really are two people they are going to want to put you in a padded cell. At all costs avoid going to the Driver's Licence Bureau or the Public Library. In such places your other personality is likely to manifest itself and somebody's bound to call the cops. For fun and relaxation try the movie theater where it's dark and you are tempted to play with yourself. Go and release yourself because with your other self calling out for attention it's going to be the best time you've ever had with Rosie or Sister Clit.

 

CapricornDo lots of drugs. You will meet the strangest people while following our good advice here. If you don't have much money hang out a lot on street corners or anywhere outside lots of people gather because winter's about to come on strong. Invest in a tent and go camping where masses of people congregate and offer them some of your drugs. This is the way to make lots of new friends. But the best way to do it if you have the financial resources is to buy a houseboat or a small cabin cruiser and park it at the nearest Marina. You will meet lots of drunks who like nothing better than to hang out close to the water getting beer guts and fat asses from doing nothing.

CancerThis is the time of the year to do what you have always wanted to do. If male start visiting lots of whores. This can give you practically infinite variety in women and after all, isn't this what you really want? Variety is after all the spice of life. If you are female you have probably been non= assertive and not been getting it as much as you'd like. Try escorting on the side for fun and profit. Such a course is bound to give you much more experience with men and it's bound to get you out of the house and away from the kids where you have been dying from miserable boredom.

 

Aquarius Romance seems to be eluding you and even when you think you've got it good, you are dissatisfied with your sex partner. Face it guys, the gal you are with has started to resemble Porky the Pig, and if she's got a decent shape at all, she's turned into a castrating bitch. And don't think you are off the hook simply because you are female and has had the misfortune to have been born under this sign. The guy who used to be the man of your dreams has gotten to be a selfish control freak. His fingers have gotten to be clammy and you dread his touch. It is time to take a Pleasure Cruise. It doesn't matter where to. Your best bet is Australia, then get lost in the Outback where nobody can find you, because it's bound to get a lot worse.

Leo Get hold of yourself. Your natural inclination to control others has intensified over the last year and if you continue to tread water you will soon no longer be fit company for members of the opposite sex. We know this sounds harsh and unnatural but do it anyway. Go out and find yourself a sheep. Be good to that sheep. Be kind to that sheep. Stroke it, feed it and bring it into your home as your nightly companion. Do whatever it takes to seduce that sheep because only in this way can you train yourself to be less controlling towards other members of the human species.

 

PiscesNow is the time to reflect and ponder your miserable existence and how unexciting your life has been. Think about that gal you got pregnant and how much you now hate her guts. Or think about that guy who knocked you up and left you. These are the things to remember because for you nothing much else ever happened in your life. They say that self pity normally doesn't accomplish much but in your case don't believe it. After all, what else can you think of to fill your waking moments? Also remember to do plenty of barbiturates because they will make you sleep for many more hours than you are accustomed to. And with luck, if you do enough of them you will overdose and experience the big sleep from which you will never awaken.

 

The Jack Corbett Pattaya Advisory

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Virgo Get off your dead ass and make your fortune. Due to the declines of the stock market, now is the time to invest. When times are the worse is the best time to put your life savings to work. Best bets are stock options, and here we recommend that you put your money in retail companies and foreign stocks, particularly those of Korean and Indonesian companies. We predict you will at least quadruple your money. And, if the market goes the other way and you lose your ass, don't blame us. After all, we didn't charge you to come here in the first place.

 

 

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