Peter the Great becomes President
by Jack Corbett

With the counting of the popular and electoral vote already half over, the Presidential election was becoming a landslide for Peter which didn't surprise anyone who had watched Peter's relentless media blitz. He had outspent his Democratic opponents more than two to one. Peter was watching the returns with a group of his advisers when a slightly built long haired man appeared out of nowhere.

"How'd you get in here?" Peter asked.

"I have my ways," the slightly built man replied.

The man was in his early fifties and wore his long hair in a long ponytail. His brown hair and beard were sprinkled with streaks of gray. He could have been a middle aged biker. Whatever he was, he looked like a relic of the 1960's, a man who had seen more than his fair share of anti-war demonstrations, public displays of nudity, campus sit ins, and cannabis parties.

"Look, I don't know how in the hell you got in here, but I'm afraid you will have to leave," said Peter.

"A word with you first." The man moved quickly, before the Secret Service agents could react. Suddenly he was standing next to Peter, whispering in his ear, "I'm God."

"He's okay, Peter shouted, as the Secret Service agents went for their .45 automatics. "He's a friend."

"We need to talk. Privately. With no one else in the room," said God.

"Who in the hell is he?" asked Rubin Goldman, Peter's campaign manager.

"I'm Peter's one of Peter's new advisers," God replied.

"Follow me," Peter said softly. 'There's a little room where we can watch the returns together.

The room was in a car on the same train Peter had bought. The first car had been fitted with television monitors, telephone lines, surveillance sytems, and other electronic gear. In the corner was a bar. Close to twenty men sat on sumptuous couches or stood watching the television monitors. Peter's private office was in the second car along with a small bedroom. Not only had Peter found his own train to be a practical means of traveling across the country in style and comfort, stumping for the popular vote--it also served to show the entire nation how serious he was about reviving country's passenger train system and mass transit services which was one of the key issues he had tackled in his bid for the presidency.

"Care for a drink, God?" Peter asked with a wry smile as he considered whether he was addressing a spirit or physical being.

"I was hoping you would ask, Peter. Bourbon will do fine."

"So you eat and drink after all?"

"Only when I want to." I enjoy the physical pleasures of life. I just don't like pain. And I hate hangovers. So I turn it on and off as I please. If I want to be a spirit I turn into a spirit. That's how I got into that private car of yours. If I want to taste a fine meal I revert to my physical form. I like liquor and enjoy the buzz it gives me, so I just turn into one of my many physical incarnations. But afterwards, I'll become a spirit again to avoid the hangover."

"Here's your first one, then," said Peter as he handed God a glass of Jim Beam on ice. "I'm sticking with vodka. It was good enough for me when I was Czar of Russia over three hundred years ago and that's good enough for me now."

"Nice job you did on Sylvia Grant, Peter. If you hadn't had her killed you wouldn't be about to become president. I have to hand it to you."

"Let that be our little secret, then."

"She was a taker, Peter. In this world there are two kinds of people with varying degrees in between. There are the givers and the takers. The takers always have their hands out seeing what they can get from others. The givers are doing things for others and people find joy in being around them. I have no use for the takers and Sylvia was the worse kind. She sought power and she didn't care who she hurt getting it. She was libeling you so she could achieve her own political aspirations. Good riddance to her. Don't be afraid to kill the takers when necessary, Peter."

"I thought you would approve. But we are going to let this be our secret. We wouldn't want religion to get a bad name over this now, would we?" Peter sidled over to a television monitor and turned up the volume."

"You've seen my television advertisements before, God. But if you are like me you never get tired of them."

They watched the sixty-second campaign advertisement while listening intently to the broadcaster's voice explaining Peter's plans for the U.S.

"Have you had enough of being the pin cushion of insurance companies, greedy lawyers, judges on the make, and the Mothers for a More Boring Nation who want to put you in jail because you've had several beers? Then get out and vote and make the difference that will put you and your family onto the road to prosperity and happiness. Vote Republican and the Peter Plan.

Did you know that even so called underdeveloped countries have a better train system than we have? With your help we are going to change that. Imagine a great spider web connecting every city in the U.S. and most small towns with trains traveling over 200 miles an hour. Imagine buses and subways taking you where you want to go in the city you live in and you won't have to worry about keeping your eye on the road or where you are going to park. Imagine how many millions of Americans will be kept busy building this huge network of tracks, cars, computer terminals, and restaurants and shops servicing it? These are real jobs for real people. People like you who want to work.

Those keeping you in bondage say this cannot be done. That it's Voodoo Economics. Fellow Americans, we are going to take it from those who have been taking it from you all these years. We are going to finance this thing from the insurance companies because now you won't need those cars, unless you want to drive them. So your insurance rates are going to go down. We are going to legalize all drugs. We are going to stop the courts from bleeding honest men and women to death because they had two or three beers and are being branded as low life DUI criminals. There are ten times as many lawyers here per capita as in nearly every country on earth. You know there isn't that much honest work for them. They are stealing it from you. We are going to put the dishonest judges and lawyers out of work and use all that money to help you build a new America.

When we legalize drugs, all the drug dealers will be out of business. There will be no drug criminals and that's going to leave only the real criminals in our prisons. So go ahead and do all the drugs you want. But you are not going to get a job helping build the new railroad and mass transit system. Those people will be kept too busy building a new country, a United States we can all be proud of.

Real jobs, high paying jobs, for Americans who know how to get the job done. Vote for the Peter Plan. Just remember, if your Peter tells you it's time to build again, then just do it. Today. Vote Republican. Start saving all those huge insurance premiums and legal fees you've been paying for the greatest public works project the world has even seen."

"Amazing what money can do, Peter."

"Bet your ass. Money, if you have enough of it, can conquer just about everything."

"If you didn't have an unlimited supply of money you would be committing political suicide taking on the entire U.S. judicial system," said God. "A lot of power there. They'd bury you."

"My radio and TV. campaign advertising has been relentless. Nothing in the History of the U.S. has approached anything like this."

"Good thing I left that vast supply of gold out there in California for you, Peter. With it you have had an unlimited political war chest for your campaign."

"I have also touched on an almost universal chord of discontent. Nearly everyone in the U.S. hates lawyers. The U.S. has ten times the supply of lawyers than practically any so called civilized nation on earth and there's simply not enough legitimate work for them. So they have to go out making jobs and business for themselves by stealing from the entire country. And Americans know it and despise the lawyers for doing it. Not that all lawyers are bad. There are some damn good ones out there. It's like Hitler and the Jews. Germans had it in for the Jews and Hitler capitalized on that. But the Jews were innocent. The lawyers aren't. I am going to rid this country of that nest of maggots."

"You are walking away with this election, Peter. What is your first step once you are inaugurated?

"I am going to be having problems with the Supreme Court, God. So I need to stack it in my favor. There are two justices in particular who are going to be a real problem. It's time they both get fatal illnesses. I'm not sure yet what I am going to give them but it's going to be quick. With them out of the way, I can move onto my great public works projects."

"Which justices are you going to have murdered, Peter?"

"Silvia and Desmond."

"Both assholes," God replied. Both of them are in love with power for its own sake. Neither has any scruples. Good riddance to both of them."

"So God, what do you want from me?"

"For one thing I want to be your closest advisor."

"As good as done, God. Besides, I like your sense of humor, not to mention your endorsement of my killing the right people. It worked in Russia when I was Tsar and by God it's going to work here in America. But there's one thing."

"What's that?"

"You are going to have to cut off all that long hair and shave your beard."

"I just appeared to you like this for effect. I wanted to look like Jesus."

"Someone who looks like Jesus isn't going to cut it in my administration. You are going to have to look more serious, God. You are going to have to look a little more businesslike."

"How's this then?" Suddenly God's face started to twist and turn into a silly putty globe of flesh colored molten lava. It took only a few seconds for it to become stable. The beard was gone. The long hair gave way to a close cropped head of gray. A receding hair line exposed a high forehead hinting at formidable intelligence. God reached out to a small table to pick up a pair of spectacles that had not been there before and put them on."

"You look very dignified now. What cabinet position would you like? There's Attorney General, Secretary of State, Secretary of Agriculture, Defense. Just name it."

"I think Attorney general although Secretary of State would be nice," said God. If you are going to completely devastate and rebuild the judicial system, you are going to want to have God on your side."

"Done. Come on. Let's have a couple more drinks."

Peter's landslide victory was the greatest defeat the Democratic Party ever suffered. On his coattails Republicans gained control of both the Congress and the Senate. But Peter had much greater plans for his adopted country than overwhelming victory. Nothing less than a revolution in the nation's political system, its economy, and the values its people lived by would satisfy him.