In 17th Century Russia Peter the Great learns about Father Joseph
by Jack Corbett

"I want to do more than just turn them in," said God. I want to execute them myself."

"God, you are my Attorney General. You are in charge of the legal system Peter the Great instructed the omnipotent one.  It is your job to find out who's guilty and to condemn them and it's my job to have them put to death.

That's what happens in 17th century Russia when  Tsar Peter the Great is reincarnated as an American  in the 20th century.

But first you will want to read the old Peter the Great episodes which you will find at the bottom.

The little boy was scared and anxious to please. It was bad enough that nothing he did seemed to meet his father's approval. This priest was sterner by far and cloaked with the robe of more than the righteous, for it was he who determined who was good or bad, who had earned the goodwill of others, and who was condemned to be outcast. For the outcast were tainted, painted by the unholy, and not fit to be companions of their fellow men and women. To be spurned by the priest was to be condemned to hell, which was hard to imagine. For the boy the flames of perdition was an easy image to conjure up but the spectacle of going to Hell was too distant in the future for someone so young as he. To be left alone; to be treated like a leper by everyone was much more immediate. To do what the priest wanted–to meet the priest's approval was a rite of passage for being fit company for others.

The room they were in was the priest's office. Just twelve feet square, it was lined with bookshelves. Which left enough room for a desk, a desk chair, a leather cushioned lounging chair, and a floor light. It was here the priest saw the young boys who had disobeyed Saint Paul's High School's rules, the boys lining up after lunch to wait their turns before gaining admittance to Father Joseph's little room which the more bold among them called the Grand Inquisitory.

Father Joseph's favorite punishment was doling out "Twice two." Twice two was the administration of two blows on each hand of the boys found guilty of wrongdoing. Father Joseph's instrument was a leather blackjack, the kind used by some police officers instead of much longer night sticks. The blackjack was filled with steel shot. Each day the guilty boys lined up outside Father Joseph's door, each waiting his turn, each one hoping that this time, the priest would be lenient and not strike the four blows that would leave his hands stinging for hours afterwards.

Timothy had been a very bad boy. On Wednesday he had drawn a cartoon of another priest during his English class. The priest noticed he was not paying attention and saw him scribbling the cartoon in his notebook. When he saw what Timothy had done he said: "Now you are in for it young Timothy. I am going to have you go see Father Joseph on Saturday morning. We will just see about your unpromising career as an artist."

Timothy had been surprised when Father Joseph opened his office door and gently said: "Come in Timothy. We have some problems we will just have to work out. He had been even more surprised when Father Joseph said: "Get comfortable Timothy. Sit in the chair there." After he had seated himself, Timothy watched the priest pull his desk chair up close, lean close to him, and smile.

"Don't be afraid, Timothy, the priest said calmly. You probably thought I'd be giving you twice two or even worse, a caning, which is what we do to our worse offenders here. We don't cane a student very often but when we do he seldom has to come back for another one. But you are a promising student, Timothy. But you have just committed a very serious infraction. Normally we would either cane you or dismiss you from school for what you have done. We think your problems are very deep. And that God is displeased with you. It is wrong to displease God because when you do you are no longer in a state of grace. As you know from your religion classes, falling from the Grace of God, is to be condemned to hell where you will not be able to enjoy the fruits of paradise and to be able to be with Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ."

"All I did was to make fun of my English teacher," Timothy protested. It was just a little cartoon of him because he is so boring."

"It was much more than that. You were showing disrespect for your teacher, for Saint Paul's, for all the other priests here, and for God. Because when you disrespect one of the priests you are kicking sand in the face of the Church and all that it stands for. We have to get to the bottom of this, Timothy."

"Bottom of what, Father Joseph?"

"Bottom of what is making you sin because if we don't you will end up outside the Church and turned away by our Lord. So I am going to ask you a series of questions. Some of them might make you uncomfortable but you are going to answer them anyway, because you don't want to live outside the grace of our Lord, Jesus Christ, now do you, Timothy?"

"Yes. I mean no. I want Jesus to love me."

"Alright then. Do you dream at night, Timothy?"

"Yes, I do. Sometimes. I mean most of the time."

"Do you ever dream of girls, Timothy?"

"Sometimes. Not too often."

"Do you ever dream of having sex with them?" Father Joseph demanded.

"Yeah. Sometimes."

"How old are you, Timothy?"

"I'm twelve, Father Joseph."

"Do you ever dream of having sex with a man?"

"No. Never."

"When you dream of these girls and having sex with them, do you ever masturbate?"

"No I don't," Timothy lied.

"I don't think you are telling the truth. I see that you are turning red, a sure sign that you are lying."

"Okay, once in awhile I masturbate."

"And when you masturbate are you having sex with a girl?"


"That is wrong, Timothy. That is a grievous sin."

"I don't see how I am sinning," Timothy blubbered.

"It is a sin. You see, Timothy, when God created man and woman he intended for them to be together, to live happily as companions, to get married and to have children together. When you masturbate you are not sharing something joyful with your wife. You are wasting your precious seed and throwing it away and behaving selfishly. You are being selfish. Our Holy Father does not want you to be selfish. He means for you to share your pleasure with your other half, who would be your wife, and out of your joy together you will have children to glorify Him."

"No one told me that."

"That doesn't make any difference, Timothy. What is important is that you have dirtied yourself and made yourself impure. We have to do something about that."

"Do something about what?"

"About your sinning against God. Look, Timothy, you masturbate out of selfishness. This has lead to your getting in trouble in school and to your disrespecting your teachers. One thing leads to another. The devil has got hold of you so we must do something quick."

"What do you want me to do, Father?"

"I must purge you in the name of the all Holy Father so you will not masturbate again and no longer sin. I have decided not to inflict bodily punishment on you because that would only touch the surface of the problem and do nothing about the sin deep inside you. Timothy, I want you to pull your pants down."

"What. My pants?"

"Yes. It is necessary for you to pull them down. Think of me like your doctor and a trusted friend, Timothy. You will have to pull them down."

"I don't want to Father. It is not right."

"Pull your pants down, Timothy. Now."

He had done something awful and now he was going to be made to pay. Timothy fought back the tears as he pulled his pants down around his ankles. He heard the priest's voice demand: "Now your shorts, Timothy. I want them around your ankles."

"That's much better, Timothy. You are being a good boy now. I want you to stand up now and face the chair. Do not look back. Turn towards the wall."

Still holding back his tears, Timothy stood up from the padded chair he had been sitting in and turned around facing the wall. Hearing the priest command, put your hands on the top of the chair, spread your legs apart and relax, Timothy complied and waited for what was coming–something he couldn't imagine and dreaded. Imagining a thick wood paddle studded with nails on being driven hard on his ass, he kept waiting."

He felt soft fingers greasy with vaseline caressing his buttocks for a brief moment, Then a finger probing his butt hole. After that nothing. A few seconds later the finger started to probe again, and then he felt it sliding hard into his crack.

"I must anoint you. This is holy ointment. It will ease your pain while it purifies," said Father Joseph. "Do not be afraid. In time it will start feeling good although you should be feeling much pain for what you have done. I am here to save your soul and release you from your torment."

"Jesus Christ. I'm about to get sick," muttered God under his breath.

The priest had hoped the boy would think God was there, to witness his punishment and to accept it. Had he known that God was actually in the room with them he would have been traumatized with fear. But God merely floated above them, invisible. At this moment the priest had inserted three vaseline soaked fingers into the boy's rectum and already had his pants off. Coating his penis with Vaseline he stood behind the boy about to ram his stiff shaft up Timothy's rear when he heard a commanding voice from the ceiling."

"Stop now, Father Joseph."

The priests erection immediately downsized to something barely bigger than a woman's clitoris. His bowels turned to jelly nearly evacuating his lunch. "Who's here?" he cried out fearfully.

"It's God."

"Where are you?"

"Look up, I'm right above you."

Father Joseph saw God for the first time, wishing he had never heard of Him, had never joined the Church, and had been born on an island where the inhabitants worshiped seashells, the Great White Shark, the Holy coconut, or anything but God. Hovering a foot below the ceiling God floated on a white cloud, leaning against a pillow, smoking a large Cuban cigar. He was a God the priest had never imagined. Far from being a white bearded old man, God was a long curly haired rock star, his eyes sarcastic, his mouth a long cruel crack.

"I see that you are teaching the boy about me and how he should behave," said God.

"You can't be....I must be seeing things," Father Joseph stammered.

"No you aren't. "Timothy, put on your pants and get the hell out of here, now, God commanded."

The room was silent, as God and the priest stared at each other–until after the boy had left. "I have noticed how you are telling the boy about God and how he should behave," said God.

"Shit. Shit. Shit," said the priest unable to think.

"That other priest–Timothy's English teacher had Timothy wait a couple days wondering how he would be punished. Then sent him to you. Tell you what, I'm going to do the same to you. For now I'm just going to let you go, but I WILL BE back. And trust me, I will punish you worse than you have ever imagined," said God as he vaporized into a mist.


"I want that son of a bitch," said God. These priests are using me to sodomize young boys."

"This is a secular matter, said Peter. The state must punish these evildoers. It should be out of your hands."

"You are wrong Peter. They are doing it in the church and giving me a bad name. I can cause these priests to die a painful slow death and torture them even more than you can. They deserve the most agonizing death possible."

"That is true. The sky is the limit. But each of them will die and none of them will know why. But if the state publicly executes them they will know they have broken the law, and the rest of them will become fearful about which one of them is next."

"But you will never know all who are guilty, Peter. But I'm God so nothing is impossible for me. I can root out each one of them and punish every priest who's molesting boys."

"We should have a partnership then. You find out who they are, turn them in, and I will have them all executed," said Peter.

"I want to do more than just turn them in," said God. I want to execute them myself."

"God, you are my Attorney General. You are in charge of the legal system. It is your job to find out who's guilty and to condemn them and it's my job to have them put to death. You might be God and have power over everybody but you made a deal with me and I'm holding you to it."

"I did, didn't I? Okay then, but please Peter, let me have just a few of them."



The Peter the Great Episodes

The Peter the Great Reincarnation Pages  introduction

Episode 1--Mission from God--July 2002 

Episode 2--Peter the Great becomes President--August 2002

Peter the Great, The Birth of the new Praetorian Guard--August 2002

Peter the Great--The Golden Odyssey--October 2002

Peter the Great and the Coliseum--November 2002

Peter the Great finds out about Father Joseph--January 2003

God and the Lawyers--March 2003

Peter the Great takes Revenge on the Spammers--April 2003

Shootout at Peter's Corral--May 2003

Peter takes on organized Crime on the Internet--May 2003

Peter the Great, Introducing Lotharina the Vamp--June 2003

Peter the Great--The Vampire Side of Lotharina--July 2003

Peter the Great--The Seduction of Sergei--August 2003

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