Uncle Bufford says, don’t be a  Walking Street sucker with Pattaya Bar girls.   Be tough.  Don’t let any of these wimmen run you.  I will give you five examples of what I’m talkin about.

But first off, I didn’t do all these things Billy Bob did.  This is his story

Girl number 1. The go go girl who apologized.

Ever notice very few Thai women from all these bars never apologize? This is a matter of face. And in my opinion in this part of the world, money is not number one as Neil Hutchison says in Money Number One.

It’s number two. Face is number one. The Thais we keep meetin in Pattaya have this huge desire to be number one. They don’t want falang tellin them what to do. This amounts to too much Xenophobia (dislike or fear of people from other countries). Or Thai always right. Foreigner always wrong. This time my sexy go go friend broke the mold.  I’m calling her, Noi, which isn’t her real name and it’s not her stage name either. That’s because not all of you reading this are the nicest people. So I want to be protective of the people I like.

So here I am in this here go go bar. I”m not going to tell ya the name of the place. I like to keep certain places to myself. Keeps the riffraff out.  I kind of like to keep the good places to myself even though this here is a go go bar. The manager usually buys me and my friends drinks.  Anyways this girl is kind of special. I first met her workin on Soi Six which means she has some values. That’s why I bang her a lot.

Use this line to avoid being a Walking Street sucker

I’m buying her tequilas and beers and then she decides to bring her friend over. I keep tellin them all, “Look, I’m fuckin her, not you. I buy drinks only for the girl I’m banging.  What are you doing for me? Do you think I’m a Walking Street sucker?”

I keep tellin her she’s special. But then she points across the room at another girl and asks me, “Buy friend me drink?”

I tell her no. But she does not let up on me. “But she my friend,” she replies.

“I don’t care. I only buy drink for you.”

But her friend comes over to our little table lookin for a handout.

“I tell both girls. “She my friend,” as I point at Noi. I know her for long time.”

“My friend no have drink. No money,” the ex Soi Six girl explains.

That does it. I catch the eye of a waitress who promptly comes over.

“Check Bin Kap.” I tell her.

Action counts with Pattaya bar girls.  Words don’t mean squat

“Five minutes later, I’ve settled my bin (bill) with the waitress. Then I turn to Noi, and tell her, “I only buy drink for you. Not for friend you, sister you, mamasan, papasan. I go now because you not listen to me.”

The next time I visit her bar, she makes a big display of being very happy to see me, and lets the whole bar know it. We start off having a beer together.

Don’t be a  Walking Street sucker

She’s not one of these worthless go dancers who keeps insisting on me buying her these no alcohol lady drinks they all make 50 baht commissions on.  As I  keep having to explain so many times, “This is the name of the go go game, to get stupid falang to buy as many drinks as you can get from them. That’s why all these wimmen keep insisting that you buy drink for their friend, their sisters who ain’t their real sisters, and all these voracious mamasans.”

But this girl is very different. After all, I met her from Soi Six.  Sittin next to me, she says, “I sorry about night before. Wanting you buy drink me my friend.”

She never tried that stunt again.

Girl number 2

This one’s from Soi Six. Which is going to show all of you, that you never can tell. I love Soi Six best of all. And I like Walking Street girls least of all. This one’s one of the better looking Soi Six girls. She’s got a great attitude. Gives me a nice little massage while we lie naked together just before we get it on.  BUT:

I must have fucked her about six different times. Then I text messaged her to meet me at her bar at 11 a.m . She text messaged me back: “Yes.”

So the next day I arrive at Soi Six at 11 a.m. I call her. It’s obvious that I’ve just woken her up. “Can you wait half hour for me,” she tells me.

“Okay, I have breakfast. See you in one half an hour,” I reply.

So I have a breakfast at a nearby restaurant and call her back.

“I have customer now,” she tells me.

I didn’t miss my turn.  That Thai girl missed her turn with me

That was about one month and a half ago. And I haven’t given her one baht since.  They say when you have missed out that you have missed your turn.  But I see it my way. Whichever customer took my turn has probably not been with her very much. He’s probably a tourist.  She could have been a regular of mine and I live here all year round.

I liked a lot of things about her and was about to replace my number one Soi 6 girl with her. But now she’s missed her chance. But oh well, “Birds in the attic but nobody at home.” But stay tuned for my sequel on her.  I’m not a Walking Street sucker.  And I’m not a Soi Six Street sucker either.

Girl number 3. The very sexy massage girl

Trouble with most massage girls is nearly all of them are butt ugly. I haven’t had that many massages in the last several years. And I haven’t had a happy ending (where the massage girl massages her customer’s penis to orgasm) for over two reasons. I used to have a pretty massage girl give happy endings. Trouble was she was a bit fat, and not really a match for a couple of my Soi Six favorites. Also, the Soi Six girls gave me number one boom boom. Not to mention terrific oral sex. So I’d always choose gettin it all from girls with wonderful bodies over getting a hand job from someone who’s body didn’t match up to what I was expectin.

But this massage girl has one of those slender wonderful bodies that really turns me on.

I get the best massage I ever had

Upstairs there was just one room. I think this must be the only room in which they give oil massages. There is just one narrow bed on it and there’s a lock on the door.

She puts me on the bed lying naked, face down. I am putting my head down into the plastic pillow that had the breathing hole in it so that I have my face pointed down towards the floor. And then she starts playing with my ass. She grazes my ass hairs lightly with her finger tips.  Which is so exquisite that I get an immediate erection. God, did she know what she was doing.  In less then five minutes I jerk myself into an upright position and then I did something I had never done before.

I ask the first massage girl ever for sex

“I want you to do everything with me. I want you to smoke me and fuck me with all your clothes off.  You get 1000 baht tip to make me come.”

“Okay. 300 baht for the oil massage, but you must pay me 1100 baht tip.”

“No, I give you 1000 baht tip. Same same I pay all ladies.”

“You pay me 1100 baht this time. Next time you pay me 1000 baht.”

Because I knew there would be a second time, and probably many times more, I agreed because I know that the right massage girl can be a real treasure. And here’s why.

Why the right massage girls are number one

Even the mediocre massage girls work hard. Most beer bar girls don’t have to. Now don’t get me wrong, some beer bar girls can be terrific. But a lot of them are just standing around, doing practically nuthin. Or joking around with their friends. And too many of them are on their smart phones which means they aren’t paying attention to me. This means they ain’t too smart. And if there’s one thing I despise is a woman who’s dumber than a milk cow.

But when you get a 1 hour massage, the girl is working on you 100 percent of the time. If the massage girl is even half good, she’s putting out a lot of energy giving you that massage. And let’s face it, she’s got to put up with a lot of very obnoxious guys 100 percent of the time she’s giving them massages. She’s got to put on a pretty face even if the guy she’s massaging has a bloated fatso body. Or the guy smells like crap. And I can assure you that most of the guys she’s massaging have terrible personalities. Many of them are just plain evil bastards. But it’s her job to always be pleasant to such assholes. And she’s got to be putting on her pretty face while doing it no matter how she’s feeling inside. These gals are queens I tell you. Queens.

Happy Endings

Then there’s the girls who are giving happy endings. Believe me, most of them are pretty damn good at doing it. And they are doing using only their hands.

Trouble is most of them are just plain whipped with ugly stick. Especially in my neck of the woods where I haven’t seen a pretty massage girl since the beginning of time. Now don’t get me wrong, there’s places in Pattaya that are pretty far away that have much better selection. I just don’t have the time to comb all those areas that are too far from home.

You might be hitting the jackpot if you find a pretty massage girl

But if a man finds a pretty massage girl, he just might be onto a gold mine. There’s a good chance she will want to continue to please him. And sex with her can be fabulous.

Which was what I was hoping it would be with this girl. When she took her clothes off, she was just the way I like em. She had nice shapely legs, was a bit taller than average for a Thai girl. She had nice shapely breasts too. On the whole she was pretty slender with a flat belly. Not real pretty in the face, but she was pretty enough and she had that very sensual look in her eyes.

She started to smoke me. I nearly came in her mouth, but I wanted to eat her so badly. So I went down on her. I don’t think I came up for air for over half an hour. I cannot be certain. After all, they are such damn good actresses, but she sure seemed to be having a lot of orgasms. By the time we started fucking we were kissing each other passionately.

Most Thai sex workers don’t like kissing their customers on the lips

I don’t think many bar girls like kissing their customers. First off, most of the men have shitty bodies. And most of them are old. Like me. It’s one thing to go down on a man’s dick. But I think it’s a lot harder for most of these girls to actually be french kissing a man they have no feelings for and no sexual attraction either. It’s like this, “I will let you come in my mouth because it’s my job. I must separate my job from my true feelings. I kiss my boyfriend and the men I am really attracted to. Or like. That’s why I’m turning my head aside when a customer tries to kiss me on my lips.”

Old Fart with a good body

But I have to admit that I have a damn good body. Even if I am an old fart. And when it comes to eatin a girl I’m very sexually attracted to, I don’t ever want to stop until her entire body’s coated with her cum. And then I still don’t want to stop until I’m all tired out.

Afterwards I go to the little bar that’s just two doors away. There’s four short time rooms in this bar and there’s another 14 short time rooms next door. It’s this bar that I like to take the Walking Street girl I’ve described earlier. There’s a Cambodian girl here who’s got good English skills and a great sense of humor. The Walking Street girl likes her just as much as I do. Here I can buy Noi beers for just 80 baht and if she’s not with me, I am buying drinks for the Cambodian girl.

Don’t smoke around bar girls you plan on boom booming

The Cambodian woman and I are having a cigarette together. I don’t really smoke all that much but I do enough. But I do know that most Thai bar girls do not smoke cigarettes and don’t like men smoking around them or smelling of cigarettes. I almost make it a cardinal rule not to be smoking around the girls I’m fucking. This is because I want them to be attracted to me. Cigarettes will simply make me repellent to a non smoker.

Suddenly the massage girl comes into the bar. It’s a small open faced beer bar and as I’ve mentioned it’s only 2 doors from the beer bar. And then the girl plants a solid kiss right on my lips. Since I don’t want her to taste the cigarette smoke in my mouth I suddenly purse my lips so that her tongue enter her mouth. I feel like a real asshole doing that.

But I become an even greater asshole later

When I first found that massage place a woman asked me if she could give me a massage. We talked a bit, and then I went down to the beer bar to drink with the Cambodian woman. It was a few days later that I actually met the slender massage girl I had sex with.

So, a few days after having all that wonderful sex with the massage girl, I came back from Walking Street where I had a few Gin and Tonics and a couple of tequilas. This is one of the reasons I was about to make one of the hugest mistakes I’ve ever made since moving to Pattaya.

The greeting me at the massage place just had to be the girl I had fucked. She didn’t look nearly as pretty, however. And since she was sitting down in a chair, I never had a good chance to size up her body. So I told myself, “she’s not wearing her makeup and she’s probably changed her hair.” After all, we all know how quickly all these Thai women can change their appearance.

Damn.  I had the wrong girl

So I took her upstairs to do an oil massage. But I noticed many things that were different about her. She seemed quite a bit heavier, but I knew that she couldn’t gain this much weight in just one week. But I was pretty drunk. As a matter of fact, I was pretty drunk the same that first night I got that oil massage. I took a shower which was very cold. Then I took my position on the narrow bed that I was going to get my massage on.

Did I say I was pretty drunk? I was very drunk. But I still can’t understand myself and why I did what I did next.

“I want you to take everything off I told the girl. I want you to smoke me. Then I smoke you.”

By the time she was on top of me sucking my dick I was sure I had the wrong girl. But as I just said earlier, these massage girls know just how to get you off in the shortest time possible. And she was making my dick pretty damn hard. Then I turned her over and started to lick her up and down between her legs.

By this time I was sure I had the wrong girl. But I came in her mouth anyway.

Back to the delectable Massage girl

A few days later, I finally found the girl I had total sex with. When I asked her to do an oil massage with me she said:

“You go with my friend before.”

What she meant was: “I lose face because of what you just did with her. So go ahead and do her again. See if I care.”

I replied: “I only want you.  No want her.”

I was finally able to convince her that I had absolutely no interest in the other woman and then we went upstairs. Seconds after hitting that cold shower she was on me like a female leopard. Clinging to me, she thrust her mouth into mine and started French kissing me passionately. Once again, sex with her was some of the best I had ever had.

We had sex together only one more time.

Then one night I text messaged her, “Are you giving massages at 11:00-12:00?”

“Yes.”

I should have been more explicit and messaged her either 11 or 12.  I intended to text message her again the next morning when I was certain about the time. But I didn’t and arrived at 11:10 in the morning.

She wasn’t there, but the other woman sure in the hell was.  The same woman who had me come in her mouth.

The other woman said, “She upstairs with customer. You want to wait one hour.”

I replied, “I no have time. I do not wait for anyone. Not ever.”

After I left the good looking massage girl text messaged me at 12:10, “Do you come now?”

I replied how I had come to see her at 11:10 and how I was informed she already had a customer.  Then I added, “I am too busy to wait for anyone.”

She replied: “I am sorry.”

I wrote:  “I am too. I thought you were an on time kind of lady. Some girls are.  Some aren’t.”

Then she text messaged:  “See you next time, Ok?”

To which I replied: “Next time is tonight. I don’t know right now who is going to be the lucky girl.”

The Lucky Girl

Or was it me, about to become the lucky guy?

I was pretty put out. The massage girl would just have to miss her turn. I just didn’t know who would wind up taking her turn.

Notice how much of an arrogant son of a bitch I am.

The Walking Street girl was a pretty safe bet.  She never thought of me as a Walking Street sucker.   I could text message her and have her meet me at the bar two doors from the massage place without paying a bar fine.  But then I’d be giving the massage girl that I considered her so important that I’d put another girl in front of her face to make her jealous. By the time I got on the baht taxi to head to erection nirvana (wherever the hell that would be) I didn’t really know where I wanted to go or who I wanted to do it with. By the time the baht taxi got to Soi Six, I decided to try to look up an old girlfriend.

Looking for the coolest Soi Six girl ever

She was the most wonderful Soi Six girl I ever met.  For one thing she had the most gorgeous ass.  She was great in bed.  Had a great sense of humor too.  She never called me because I told her not to.  Never text messaged me either unless I messaged her first.  Nan never cried about how bad things were or that she needed money.   But I screwed up a good thing by banging a girl who worked with her.  Not once but about 15 times.

I ran into her a couple of weeks ago working in front of the Soi Six bar I used to frequent where I had boom boomed her many times before.  But that was over two years ago.  She hardly went there anymore.  I suspect she had a long list of customers who saw whenever they wanted her. She had been one of the best ever.  But I had lost her phone number. Either that or she had changed it.

But she wasn’t there.  So I backtracked to another bar that I had never been in before.

The girl is almost too young and beautiful

I spotted the girl right off. As my eyes started to meet hers, another girl asked me to have a drink with her.

My eyes immediately met the first girl’s eyes.

“Want to have drink with me?” I asked the prettier girl.

“Yes.”

It was an open faced beer bar. There’s quite a few open air bars on Soi Six now. Usually there’s a door to an air-conditioned room inside, however. But this place was strictly an open air kind of place although it undoubtedly had short time rooms upstairs. Wanting some privacy, I immediately walked to the back of the room and took a seat at the bar where I could not easily be seen from the street.

The girl brought over two beers, one for me and one for her. Then she sat up close to me. She was pretty, and I do mean VERY PRETTY. But she was so slender that she seemed too fragile for a strong guy like me to boom boom. She had narrow slender shoulders and legs that were impossibly thin. But she had a good figure, a model’s figure. Whether she was too slender or not I found her to be irresistible.

Unbelievably Passionate

She didn’t waste any time fondling me between the legs. And then she started kissing me. French kissing me right at the bar. When I moved back from her to drink to attend to my beer, I noticed that she was wearing blue contacts. She was simply beautiful.

I didn’t waste much time paying the 300 baht for the room upstairs and paying my bar bill. But by the time she took me up to the short time room and we undressed I felt that I was making a big mistake. She was thin. I like them thin. The pretty massage girl was slender but this girl was just 40 kilos And she was five foot three.

Only 88 pounds and nearly as tall as the average American woman

Now believe it or not, the average American woman is not even five foot four. So this girl was less than one inch shorter than the average American woman who now weighs 170 pounds or five pounds heavier than me, and I’m five foot eleven. But forty kilos comes out to just 88 pounds. I mean I like slender gals but this was getting just plain ridiculous.

But in bed she was a tigress. She was beyond passionate. And she was just plain beautiful. By the time I was eating her I had a nice erection. I wound up coming in her mouth.

I finally wound up on Walking Street meeting up with my friends. But I wanted to find her again so I went back to Soi 6 looking for her. I didn’t see her standing in front of her bar, and I eventually wound up with another girl at another place. But that’s another story.

I saw the beautiful girl two more times.  If she wasn’t into me, at least she pretended to be. She would sit with me drinking her drink running her hands inside my shorts rubbing my penis. And she’d do it for an hour straight. Let alone all the making out we’d be doing.

Which brings me back to girl number girl number 2 again.

This time I rented a hotel room on Soi Six for 650 baht. The room gave me a perfect view of half a dozen bars across the Soi. From the room, I could see the girls coming onto their shifts between 4:30 and 5 p.m. There were already two or three good looking girls at the slender girl’s bar but by 5 she had not yet showed up. I had not shaved yet and had not brought a razor with me. So I walked half a block down Second Road to a Seven Eleven where I got a razor, some shaving cream, and several other small items I needed. On the way back to my hotel I wanted to avoid her bar. For the time being. It was just too early to be getting caught up with this girl. Especially since I already knew what the final results would be.

So I went to Soi 6/1 which runs behind and parallel to Soi Six. I call this Lady Boy Alley since the Lady Boys like to hunt down their prey here. Then I cut over to Soi Six far enough down the Soi so that my new favorite would not see me.

Several girls called out to me,

Wanting me to buy them drinks. Halfway down the Soi a pretty girl called out my name from the Lisa Bar. Like the others she wanted me to buy her a drink. But unlike the others, she most definitely seemed to know me. But I couldn’t quite remember. Not sure, but I think she was the one I took upstairs a couple of months ago, who I then looked for but couldn’t find. She was pretty hot. So I told her I might get her a drink later on.

A few bars farther down the soi, another girl called out my name. It was girl number 2. I had not banged her for a month and a half. She had been fun and a great lay. I didn’t know if my new favorite girl would show up tonight or not so I decided to hedge my bets.

Smoke and Kisses

Had a small open air beer bar arrangement outside an air-conditioned room inside. We sat inside at a booth across from each other. I bought her a beer and one for myself but we ended up having two together.

After some conversation girl number 2 told me that she didn’t think I like her all that much. Keep in mind though that this girl had always been pretty frank with me even though she had stood me up for another customer. So I started telling her about a very weird experience I had only three days ago involving the police. But that’s another story that will come later in this blog. I did tell her that I had taken a very pretty girl upstairs from another bar after which all the weird stuff started to happen.

This Soi Six girl’s into self improvement

“Do you like this other girl better than me?” girl number two asked. I don’t mind your telling me the truth. I want to be better at my job.”

“I like you a lot,’ I replied. “But we not have sex for 2 months. The reason why is you were supposed to boom boom me at 11 a.m. but instead you went with another customer.”

I then explained what the pretty massage girl had done and I even showed her the text messaging we had that ended with my telling her another girl would be the lucky girl tonight.

“And I’ve not had sex with her either for two weeks. You see, she did the same thing to me that you did.”

Who cares if they love you or not so long as they act like they do

“But this new very pretty girl acts like she’s totally in love with me. I know that neither you or she really loves me, but I don’t care. Money is number 1. You know it. I know it and you know I know it. But she’s a very fine actress. And she has done nothing wrong yet.”

Somewhere during this conversation, another bar girl came up to our booth and started talking to girl number 2. Which was very rude. But we all know that most of these girls are very rude. True to form, girl number 2 suddenly turned to the other girl to converse with her in Thai. Whatever I had been talking to her about was now obviously forgotten. As I keep saying, “Birds in the attic, nobody at home.”

I promised to look her up later on if the pretty girl up the street didn’t show up for work.

Attentiveness to my dick is the key

But she did. And the entire time we wound up sitting together on our bar stools, her hands hardly left my dick. No one interrupted us. While she kept acting as if I was the most important thing in the world to her.

She had to get up several times to get us fresh drinks from the bar. She was wearing shorts that accentuated her slender body. They were neither expensive looking or cheap appearing. But she looked simply elegant wearing them. She’s just 23. Which is far too young for me. I really don’t like them much younger than thirty.

I don’t care too much for Walking Street go go girls either. But I do like girl number 1 who is 31. Who is a pretty straight forward kind of girl who feels much more at home at a nice beer bar than in a go go club.

I wanna be just like Errol Flynn when I grow up

I keep reminding myself of Errol Flynn, the swashbuckling move actor, who died in his early fifties, a complete physical wreck with his 17 year old girlfriend, Beverly Aadland close by.  Errol had been one of the most handsome men in Hollywood in his prime.  Flynn was such a stud that the gals would line up outside his hotel room.  Needless to say, he couldn’t handle them all.  So his buddies fucked all the excess women.  They used to call Error’s buddies, Flynn’s Flying Fuckers.

Back to Flynn’s 17 year old

The 17 year old was a young woman who was far beyond her years in intelligence and emotional development. She loved Errol to the end. And that’s a fact. One simply never knows about these kinds of things.

As for the Massage girl.

I think I’ll try her again to see what happens. Part of that whole story is my own damn fault. I wasn’t clear about the time, and I had gotten her friend and co-worker to blow me, which was not all that cool. Jesus…it still horrifies me to even think about that one. How could I be so utterly stupid?

But now I’ll continue this long story to tell you about four complete losers who I don’t care if I ever see them again.

The Young Girl with the Frog Face

There’s three go go bars that all have the same owner and management team. The bar fine’s 900 baht and there’s none of this crap so many go go bars keep trying to pull such as short time bar fine’s and long time bar fines of up to 1500 baht. Noi works at Sensations (which is a name I’ve made up to protect the innocent.) I’m calling this second go go bar, the Dog House to protect both the innocent and the guilty.

Two girls work at the Dog House. First one’s the young girl with the Frog Face. Second girl’s “A Japanese look a like.” That’s because she has a Japanese look about her. So I’m calling these two Froggie and Miko. There’s a third girl at the Dog House who doesn’t play a major part here. She’s 37 years old so I’m calling her Goodie as in Oldies but Goodies.

A couple of months ago, I pulled Goodie off the stage to have a drink with me. But it didn’t take long for her to get her leaching friend, Froggie, to join us for all the fun and games.

The game, “who’s feeling my dick now”, backfires

I don’t know where I come up with all these brilliant ideas of mine. They seem to be a good idea at the time, but usually they end up backfiring on me. It all started when Froggie took the stool to my right in front of the stage. Goodie sat to my left as we sat together at the stage. In no time both women started to play with my dick. That’s when I started to close my eyes as I tried to guess which go go dancer was fondling my dick.  I didn’t know it then, but I was setting myself up to be a Walking Street sucker.

Needless to say this created quite a Sensation at the the Dog House. Oldie was content to drink beers and tequilas with me. But Froggie wanted orange juice or coca cola. And probably because other girls had told her that she could maximize her tips at 50 baht a ladies drink if she never got drunk with a customer.  Although Froggie had a frog face she at least had a half way decent body. Nothing great but about what one would expect from a 22 year old.

I get targeted by the vultures

I didn’t spend a huge amount of money that night because I only spent an hour at this club.  But the second time I came, Oldie was not there, but Froggie sure in the hell was. Unfortunately she spotted me right off and descended down to me from that stage like a vulture, bringing a second girl who was just as young as her. Right off they both asked me to buy them ladies drinks.   Obviously they thought I was one of their typical Walking Street suckers.  I kept telling them they had to drink real alcohol because if they didn’t I sure wasn’t buying them kiddie cocktails.

I screw up by buying 2 go go bar nitwits kiddie cocktails

I finally relent and get them their girlie drinks. Then out of nowhere another girl suddenly appears for her free ride. But she agrees to drink a real drink with real alcohol in it. When the two young girls ask me for a second drink, I tell them both that I am finished with buying them kiddie cocktails.   So I start to focus on Miko.

My modus operandi with Miko was to kiss her lightly on her ear or her neck and watch her get goose bumps all over her legs and arms. As I remember we did this for a couple of nights after the first time I met Miko. But I wouldn’t stay at the Dog House for very long on account of my strong preference for Noi. The truth is  Noi has a wonderful body while Miko is only so so at best.

I’m going to get Big Ron to rescue me from this leech

But one of my best friends liked Miko. This is Big Ron who I am naming after the Big Ron character from Stephen Leather’s book, Private Dancer.  In real life Big Ron was a strip club owner in the U.S. from Texas.  So Big Ron asks me, “Do you want Miko, because if you don’t want to bar fine her, I’d like to.”

Which he did. Which was great for me because now I wouldn’t have Miko asking me to buy her any drinks.  But one night I went into the Dog House alone.

In the Dog House Peanut Gallery

I sat up in the stands which I call the peanut gallery and one of the girls joined me for a drink. But Miko saw me and went into the peanut gallery to mooch some drinks off me heedless of my already having a female companion.

When she asked me for a drink, I said to her, “Big Ron your tilak (lover) now. He come later I think.”

“Who is Big Ron?” Miko lied.

“You know Big Ron. You go with him Naklua Soi 18.”

“I don’t know Naklua Soi 18,“ Miko lied again.

But she just wouldn’t leave. Finally I asked her, “you like boom boom, Big Ron?”

“I never boom boom Big Ron”, she lied a third time.

“Liar.” But I never told her that.  Because I will have fun at her expense later.    From now on, I’m calling her Monkey Brains instead of Miko.”

At Sensations Go Go Bar with Big Ron

Several nights later, I hit Sensations with Big Ron.  Got four Gin and Tonics at their 75 baht half price Happy Hour deals too. Right off, Noi, joined me while a second girl jumped on Big Ron’s lap.

It didn’t take long for Big Ron to be up to his shit disturbing rambunctious true self.  In no time he was starting to call the girl, Bright Eyes. Fifteen minutes later he asked her what her long time price was. Which in my estimation is totally wrong. I mean, who gives a shit what kind of prices a bar girl starts spouting off. I give them my price, take it or leave it.  Usually they leave it because I am a cheap ole bastard who knows the score.

I could tell that Big Ron was totally pissed off

because he was already reaching into his wallet to pay his bill.

“Let’s get out of here. Bright Eyes here wants 7000 baht for long time. Can you believe it?” Big Ron said with disgust. Who does she think she is? Like she’s got a golden pussy.”

“I don’t like a girl with a golden pussy,” I reply. They are much better  with their pussies shaven totally bald.”

We get go go girl, Noi, to be our spie

I bar fined Noi. Sometimes I will take her straight to a Walking Street short time hotel.  Other times I take her to a favorite little bar of mine where we can drink 80 baht beers together and there’s short time rooms next door.  When I meet here there, I’m not paying a bar fine. But this time I asked her if she wanted to go with Big Ron and me to the Dog House . I want to show Monkey Brains that I’ve got a thing going with a girl who’s ten times prettier than her.  And while I’m at it, I want to instill the same lesson in Froggie.

Big Ron, Noi and I sit up in the 2nd row of the Peanut Gallery while one of the prettier girls in the place targets Big Ron. He orders a drink for the girl from the waitress as she perches her lovely body on his lap.

Big Ron tries to get Monkey Brains to back off

Suddenly a bird of Prey descends on Big Ron, oblivious to his already having one of her co-workers already with him.  But this complete breech of bar girl etiquette has no effect on Monkey Brains whatsoever.  Big Ron pretends she’s not there.  But Noi, who is about as likeable as they come, doesn’t.  Soon, the two girls are exchanging gossip.

It so turns out that Big Ron has supposedly paid Monkey Brains 7000 baht for his first and last long time with her.   After Monkey Brains finally leaves after having no success at leeching a drink off either Big Ron or me, Noi gives me the scoop.

Noi, our spie, explains why Bright Eyes wants 7000 short time

“Lady work with me at bar Sensations, she work here with Miko two days ago.  Miko say Big Ron give her 7000 baht for boom boom.  So now lady at bar me, he want to pay bar fine for, she think he give Miko 7000 baht.  Now she ask Big Ron for Big Money boom boom.”

That’s Noi for you. She knows Big Ron’s not a Walking Street sucker who’s about to pay 7000 baht long time prices for. And she doesn’t like the girls who lie like that.”

Last Drink for Froggie

This time it’s Billy Bob and me over having San Miguel Lights at the Dog House. We are in the third row up in the Peanut Gallery when my eyes come into contact with Froggie’s. A few minutes later, as soon as she’s allowed to come off the stage, she’s sitting next to me in the Peanut Gallery. I reluctantly buy her an orange juice. We plan on leaving for the next go go bar in a few minutes so I’m figuring another 150 baht won’t kill me.  And if she figures I’m a Walking Street sucker, so what?

But Froggie stays with me in the Peanut Gallery for only ten minutes. Then she disappears. figuring in that peanut brain of hers that I’m just another typical Walking Street sucker.  Which is a good thing. After all, I’m not calling her Froggie on account of her beauty. Big Ron and I even stay for a second beer, but still no Froggie. I don’t know who’s more of a class act, Froggie or Monkey Brains. I swear to God to Big Ron that I will never ever buy Froggie another drink.

One more Walking Street go go dancer who’s as useless as tits on a boar

“She’s a total leech. Drinks orange juice and although her body is not half bad she’s nowhere near as well built as Noi.  And compared to the slender Soi Six beauty, boom booming her would be about like banging a man with a moustache. I whisper loudly to Big Ron. “I am not wasting another single baht on anyone like her again. That 150 baht ladies drink is 25 % of the price of a nice little hotel room I can use with Noi or any of the other girls I seriously enjoy banging.”

I will never be a Walking Street sucker again.