Category Archives: Thoughts from the expats corner

Jack Corbett has now been living full time in Thailand as an expat. This category encompasses a wide range of thoughts and subjects from the perspective of being in a strange land thousands of miles from the United States where the culture oftentimes seems to be 180 degrees apart from the values and beliefs of the West.

Time for a Guiness Naklua Surf Turf Restaurant

When Pattaya goes too far off the rails, it’s Time for a Guiness at the Naklua Surf Turf Restaurant

Time for Guiness Naklua Surf Turf Restaurant
Naklua Surf Turf Restaurant.  It is time for Guiness.  But a Sangria for the lady.

I don’t think there’s a better place in all of Thailand.  The restaurant’s just 150 yards from my condo.  But I am one lucky guy.  Naklua Surf Turf Restaurant is being rated here as the number one beach side  restaurant in all Pattaya.  And if you think I’ve cherry picked the Internet for a great review just because I love this place to death, think again.  And we’ve got the place call to ourselves.

It’s cool down at  Naklua Surf Turf Restaurant with the ocean breeze blowing.

I can walk just forty meters uphill from the restaurant and notice the difference in temperature.  The music’s tasteful.  There’s none of that Dah Dah noise that passes for music that you keep hearing down on Walking Street.  And there’s no cars or motorcycles trying to run me over.  Or polluting buses full of Chinese tourists.  Here the staff looks out for me and my friends so I usually am able to get one of the best tables.  The beer on draft is Singha and it’s good and cold.  We normally get it in pitchers so there’s no waiting for the next round.  But for some reason I keep going back to drinking the Guiness usually getting it in the large size bottles.

Tonight, am I here for the beer or is it because I”m testing my new Nikon D-750 camera?

I’ve got my tripod in hand, and I’m using the Sigma 50 mm F 1.4 lens.  It’s going to really blur my backgrounds if I set the aperture for 1.4, but I also want to test its video capabilities.  Unlike my trusty little Panasonic LX-7, shooting video with it is very tricky.  I have to set the camera just right and I don’t know just how to set it to do the best video yet.

This is absolutely my number one place to practice shooting video with my Nikon 750 and Panasonic LX 10 cameras (which just replaced my Panasonic LX7)  .  We spent New Year’s Eve here as I shot this video.    I keep getting better and every time I try, at least I have the Guiness to fall back on.

Best Pattaya Camera shop

The Best Pattaya Camera Shop is one I can recommend to both professional photographers and amateurs.  Recently I bought a tripod, a Nikon D750 SLR,  then a 50 mm Sigma F1.4 lens.  I will explain my experiences with the Best Camera Shop below in detail.

 What is important is

1.  This shop is run by the owner, and it’s a one man operation.  This means you are always dealing with the top man.  2.  The Best Pattaya Camera Shop owner is from Bangkok where he was a professional photographer for 15 years.  What does this mean to you?  It means you are always dealing with a man who has a thorough knowledge of everything he sells.  From cameras, to lenses, flashes, camera bags, tripods, and just about every important camera accessory you can think of.  3.  The owner of this shop is, in my opinion a man of integrity.  This is a rare commodity in Pattaya these days.  4.  He has excellent English skills.

Best Pattaya Camera Shop and Powerbuy
Pattaya Best Camera Shop is located on the 2nd or 3rd floor of Tukcom. Which floor I’m not sure. It’s to the right in this picture with Powerbuy straight down from it.

My association with the Best Pattaya Camera Shop didn’t really start with the tripod.

 A tripod’s only a tripod after all.  I will have to say, however, that I went to several camera shops in the building before I decided on the tripod from the Best Pattaya Camera Shop.  So  I must have felt I was getting the best features and quality at a reasonable price.   But it was when I handed my credit card over to the  shop owner that I became convinced  I had found a professional photography shop that was well above the norm for this part of the world.  I had looked at a Nikon D610 SLR in Hong Kong several years ago and had decided that it was a worthy successor to my Nikon D300.

I still felt well-equipped with the Nikon D300 and its 18 by 200 mm lens.  Since the D300 has a DX sensor, this DX lens is effectively  a 28 by 300 which makes it an exceptionally versatile combination from wide angle to heavy duty telephoto.

But I still had two extremely high priced lenses in my arsenal

and those lenses were simply not getting the use they deserved.  I had shot over 100,000 pictures in the U.S. with my 28 by 70 mm 2.8 Nikon and had liked it so much that I had bought its sister lens, a 17 by 35 mm 2.8, which was reputedly the finest wide angle lens that Nikon had ever produced.    But, on the Nikon DX 300 body the two lenses performed at 41 by 105 mm and 27 by 52 mm respectively.  Other than what amounted to somewhat superior optics the wide angle Nikon provided no advantage to the 18 by 200 lens I was already using on my Nikon D300.

And as to the Nikon 28 by 70 mm 2.8 zoom lens the same 1.5 multiplier effect allowed this lens to operate at only 42 mm for its widest angle.  So I was not getting optimum wide angle results with either lens due to the limitations imposed on them by the DX sensor on the Nikon D300 camera body.

Best Pattaya Camera shop
Best Pattaya Camera might be small but as I can see it’s loaded with a lot of professional level photography equipment. For example these umbrellas are used by photography professionals to shoot portraits.

Together those two lenses would cost close to $4000

if I had to replace them and here they were hardly getting any use.  But no one in the Hong Kong camera shops was able to convince me to switch over to a Nikon D610 camera body with the full frame sensor that would bring out the best of my extremely expensive Nikon lenses.  But when I brought my Nikon D300 into the Best Pattaya camera shop, the shop owner had me filling out the credit card form in no time at all.  Essential to his success was that he allowed me to try my Nikon 2.8 wide angle lens on a Nikon D750 full frame body.  For the first time I was truly able to see my expensive 17 by 35 mm Nikon wide angle lens perform in the way it was designed to perform.  The field of view I was getting was phenomenal.

Once I got my new Nikon 750 home and started trying it out,

I noticed that the automatic focusing of my 28 by 70 mm Nikon 2.8 had become next to useless. My Nikon 300 would still perform wonderfully at anywhere from 28 to 300 mm but due to my now emasculated 28 by 70 mm top of the line Nikon lens I’d be  stuck with only a 17 by 35 mm lens for my new Nikon D 750 full frame camera.  Should I buy another $2000 lens?  I had already had Nikon repair the 28 by 70 lens once and that repair cost me almost $1000.

So back I went to the Pattaya Best Camera Shop.  I wound up spending about $350 for a new Sigma 1.4 50 mm lens.

Had it not been for the owner of the Pattaya Best Camera shop,  I probably would never have bought a Sigma lens in the first place .

I would have bought a Nikon, but the shop owner convinced me that the Sigma lens was ever better than its Nikon counterpart.

I took this lens home with me and started to take low light pictures down on the beach.  That’s when I realized this shop owner certainly knew his cameras and lenses.  The Sigma had excellent low light capabilities, was very sharp, and it did a fantastic job of blurring the background  shooting wide open.

Best Pattaya Camera camera accessories

But what should I do with the Nikon 28 by 70 lens?

For a few nights I pondered my choices.  I could send it back to Nikon for repair as I had once before.  But the thought of once again paying close to $1000 for the same lens was not very appealing.  I buy a 1.4 Nikon 85 mm  prime lens which was getting outstanding reviews.  Or I could go for the new lens that had replaced it in the Nikon stable –the Nikon 24 by 70  2.8.  But I pretty much decided to wait until I traveled back to the U.S.  By this time I’d have over $500 worth in points on my credit card which I could apply at Amazon on a new lens.

But I went back to the Best Pattaya Camera shop.  The shop owner took the 28 by 70 mm lens off my Nikon 750.  After studying it closely he said to me, “All you need to do is to have this lens cleaned.”

“Cleaned?  Why I hardly used it since sending it to Bangkok Nikon for that very expensive repair.

“Are you sure that’s all there is to this problem?” I asked the shop owner.

“I am  sure,” he promised me.

“How much will that cost me?”

“Around 2000 baht.”

The first time I had to send this lens to Nikon for repair,  I had to package it myself and take it down to the Post office.

This time the shop owner did all the work for me.  Two weeks later I came back to the shop to see if the  2000 baht repair had been successful.

The lens now focused perfectly.

After I explained to the shop owner that I wouldn’t be doing a lot of telephoto work with my cameras, he told me, “Those two Nikon 2.8 lenses should last you for the rest of your life. They are the finest lenses made.  You don’t really need any new lenses.”

I’m keeping my Nikon D300 DX.  It feels identical in hand to my new Nikon D750.

I have the original 18 by 200 kit lens attached to it.  And I have a great trio of lenses for my D750 with the two very expensive Nikon zoom lenses and that very appealing 1.4 Sigma Prime lens.   I also have the Panasonic LX7 for a lightweight carry camera.  So I feel very well equipped now.

So what else do I need from the Best Pattaya Camera  camera shop?

 The owner of Best Pattaya Camera is absolutely first rate.

He’s fair, he really knows his stuff, and he’s a one man operation so one will always be getting the top man to take care of one’s photography needs.

I am not alone in my assessment of the excellence of the Best Pattaya Camera Shop and how good this shop owner takes care of his customers.  Consider the following comments from Thai Visa.






The Soi Six Go Go Bar Walking Street Connection

One should never pay too much for Walking Street go go girls. One reason is the Soi Six Go Go Bar Walking Street Connection.

Uncle Bufford talks about Soi Six Go Go Bar
It’s me. Uncle Bufford Again.

Lately, all of U’s will have noticed that I’ve made my strong preferences for Soi Six bars

well known on account of cheaper beers, built in 300 baht short time rooms, and cheaper and better wimmen. But tonight kinda rekindled my passion for Pattaya Go Go bars.

It all started out with me and Billy Bob going to the Crazy House Go Go first. This was because we both admitted most of the time we had the most fun there. Maybe it was because Crazy House has the same toilet for the wimmen and the men and the toilet is often a wonderful place for meeting a lot of sexy wimmen.

Cum to think of it that toilet there is so good that I sometimes am taking a piss, when a girl comes up behind me and starts giving me a massage. There’s also the exciting possibility that if a man buys a go go dancer enough tequila that he can take her back into one of those toilet stalls for a short time. Anyways if a girl isn’t a coyote, the bar fines 800 baht. Now that ain’t good but it’s a damn sight better than these other places all a chargin 1500 baht for them coyotes. Never mind my sidekick here, Billy Bob, who always seems to get the most rotten luck in the world. Even at Crazy House he seems to keep attractin them coyotes with large bar fines.

As soon as we walk into Crazy House, I knows my Dick is in for trouble.

It’s that girl who was a wearing them glasses the last time. I see her sitting by herself as soon as I come into the place and she sees me too. So as soon as me and Billy Bob sit down she’s on me like a hyena onto something that’s already been killed. Pretty soon she’s on me, with those hypnotic eyes of hers.  Her hands are all over my body. She unbuttons my shirt. She feels between my legs where my bigger brain lurks. It becomes bigger and bigger as it starts to take control of whatever resolution I first brought into the place.

Pretty soon, Billy Bob’s got a girl on him trying to milk him for drinks. He doesn’t look too happy so I tell him that as soon as we finish our drinks we should go to the next place. The girl tells me, “I really like you.” A few moments she tells me, “I want you now.” In a moment of weakness I promise to come back (for her) after hitting several more go go’s with Billy Bob, and she says to me, “Okay, I wait for you.”

I figure she will. After all, I’m Uncle Bufford and there’s nobody in Pattaya who’s like me.

I’ve got them kind of eyes that tell a woman, “Trust me”.

I’ve also got a made by Viagra big dick. But unlike all those Japanese who keep cummin into these go go’s I’m not afraid to let all the girls play with it. I’ve got a great body too. It’s one that’s gotta put all their Thai boyfriends to shame. I’m on top of the world and I knows the wimmin can see that.

We gets only  a few feet down Walking Street from Crazy House when suddenly a girl runs right up to me, callin out my name. I takes one look at her, and I’m a thinkin, “She’s gotta be some girl I met workin a job somewhere. Maybe it was Home Pro or Power Buy, Seven-Eleven or Lotus. She sure don’t look like no bar girl.  She’s got too wholesome a face to be a workin at a bar. She’s cute.

“I work over there,” she tells me. Come see me.” She’s pointin at a small go go bar called Infinity. “New bar,” she says.

I promise to see her soon, but we gotta go to another place first.

Next go go is Super Girls. And sure enough they’ve got all that horrible DA DA music going in there again.

Let me check my notes. Yep. First song’s DA DA. I got it all written here. Second song’s DA DA too. And the third and the fourth. I must have gotten tired of writing. But a lot of these wimmen are smiling at us, especially from the stage. Across the stage is Billy Bob’s friend. She’s one of the prettiest girls in the place, and she looks a lot like my favorite Soi Six girl. But if you get them lying down naked next to each other, I’m a bettin my Soi Six girl wins. She’s got the golden pussy too. The kind of pussy that men dies for.

With that kind of knowledge in my small brain, I am ready for anything. There’s a girl dancing in front of us pointing to her friend as she smiles down at us. Her friend’s got big tits. A nice body too. I tell Billy Bob, “I’m buying that one with those silicon breasts a drink. I won’t be bar fining her though. On account of my promise to the girl back at Crazy House. And that girl we met back in the street who knows me. “Man, now where do I know her from?”

Now how much do I like Big Tits Anyway?

Are they really worth 3000 baht short time with them for me?

Suddenly it comes back to me. She’s the one I met down at that Soi Six go go bar. I even took her upstairs once. That stupid owner was a chargin 120 baht for a beer and 500 baht for his short time rooms. Poor girl. And she was really nice. But I had told her every other Soi Six Bar was only a chargin 300 baht for its rooms and I really couldn’t bring myself to payin 500 baht just because a stupid Australian thought customers were stupid enough to pay him 500 baht just because he had a Soi Six Go Go Bar.

I was going to pay this girl 1000 baht. But I told her since her big boss was so greedy, I was a willin to give her 800 baht. She agreed so I took her upstairs, and guess what? That short time room was just as bad as the worse short time rooms on Soi Six.

And then–just a few weeks ago, I was a drinkin with that same girl down on Soi Six. I had come into that place in a rotten mood, but she remembered me, came up to me as I sat alone at the bar. So I bought her a drink and pretty soon we were huggin each other and I just felt good all over.

She just felt so right. And she wasn’t pushy and she never ever asked me for a drink in the first place.

I had even showed her my Uncle Bufford go go bar review notes and said that she would probably be my most memorable girl of the night. She would have been except later on I met the girl with the hypnotic eyes in Crazy House, had bar fined her, and that had been that. And here once again, I’d be passin on that Soi Six girl for that seductress from Crazy House.

I tell Billy Bob about the Soi Six girl. Then I make him a bet.

“I bet that within the next two months that I’ll be short timing one of these go go girls for 1000 baht.  It might be the ”Soi Six Go Go Bar girl but it could easily be anyone of these girls we are lookin at right now.”

Billy Bob says nothing. He knows I can do it.

Then I smile at the girl with the big tits and motion to her like I’m drinking and point to her. Then I tell Billy Bob, “I’m buying her a drink, and then the next time we comes in here, I’m buying another girl a drink so that each time I’m getting a girl a drink. This way I can meet a lot of girls and get a good idea of what this place is all about. Then I’ll wait until low season hits and most of these girls aren’t makin any money. That’s when I git them for a thousand baht.

The easiest way is for me to bang the ex Soi Six Go Go Bar girl for a thousand baht.

I already short timed her for 800 baht at the  Soi Six Go Go Bar.  When the other girls know I’m doing her for 1000 baht, I’ll have it made in that new go go bar.”

In five minutes the girl with the big tits is sittin beside me. I ask her how old she is, but I can’t remember that now, but I seems to recall she was only twenty-one. My next question is, “Where did you buy those big tits?” From Bangkok?”

She says yes.

I thought of Bangkok first because I remembers how this old girlfriend of mine had

taken me to a big clinic where they make tits and vaginas for lady boys who want to replace their dicks with pussies.

My girlfriend had been shopping for a new nose. She bought one too. But she got her new nose later courtesy of her new boyfriend who was a fat German who had to get special shocks on his motorcycle because he was too gargantuous for its little frame.

“Want to feel them?” the girl asks me as she cups a small hand around one of her nipples.

I feel one of them gently. But I feel it just a little bit because I don’t want her or the other girls to think I’m a dirty old man.

After I ask her a few more questions I tell her “Not tonight, but later someday”, in my horrible Thai (My Shy Yenee. Tilang Kap). “How much boom boom you?”

I’ve got my Uncle Bufford notepad in front of us on the bar. My pen too, so she takes my pen and writes down 800 baht as she explains “that’s for the bar fine.” She asks, “For short time?”

I tell her, “Yes.  Short time.”

I like that girl from the Soi Six Go Go Bar
Now, how much do I really like Big Tits? Are they really worth 3000 baht to have a short time with them?

Then she writes down 3000 baht.

The girl with the golden tits. That’s what I’m calling her from this point on.

Needless to say, I’ve got 1000 baht on my mind. I’ve already promised the girl with the hypnotic eyes and I sure as hell am going to be back a lookin for that ex Soi Six go-go girl before I even get back to Crazy House.

The girl with the big tits goes back to the stage, Billy Bob and I check bin, and then we walk out of the place.

“I gotta go home now,” says Billy Bob. “I am sure you are going to get well taken care of down at Infinity Go Go.”

Infinity Go Go is a pretty weird place.

There’s a long stage running down the entire room which is long and kindof narrow. On both sides of that stage there’s a long row of small tables and padded bench style couch. There’s very few customers here but most of them are sittin on the left side of the stage while most of the girls are all sittin together all along the right side. All of these people are facing each other across the stage like it’s some kindof dating game where the men are too afraid to approach the wimmen and the wimmin are equally scared to be coming up to the men.

My girl is sitting on the right side about half way down. I notice her straight off because she’s smiling at me. A waitress sandwiches me between the girl and two other girls who have been sitting with her. The other two girls end up sitting to my immediate left.

Once again, they’ve got that awful DA DA music going again. Must be a sign of the times.

Times in which the people are more stupid than they’ve ever been before and in which hardly anyone ever reads a book. It’s a time when most people have to find their own little worlds in Face book and practically everyone’s got these little smart phones. It is a time when people don’t have cameras anymore. They are all using smart phones and Ipads because they are too lazy to be a learning how to use anything else. It is a time for mediocrity and a time for morons.

I make it very clear to the girl that I cannot bar fine her tonight. She keeps asking me where I am going, and I tell her I’m going somewhere else down the street. Then she asks me, “When you go back to America.” I tell her in a few months, and then she starts to pretend to cry.

I’m drinking beer as usual. She’s having something with whisky in it. Unlike most lady drinks, it’s got a lot of real alcohol in it. She takes her time with it, and I don’t buy her another until she’s already been nursing it for a half an hour. Obviously she’s no coyote. She’s a lot of fun too.

She has me hold her hands so that I can read her fortune.

I vaguely remember doing this with her down at the Soi Six Go Go Bar. From time to time she puts her hand on my crotch, furtively, shyly, and not at all like the girl with the hungry eyes. She massages my arms and plays with my hands. We are having a good time.

I ask her, “Why you finish that Soi Six Go Go Bar?”

“I have problem with Big Boss,” she tells me.

“That Soi Six Go Go Bar you worked at will not last long.  Every other bar on Soi Six charges 85 to 90 baht a beer.  But he charges 120 baht.  Every other Soi Six Bar charges 300 baht for a short time room.  He charges 500 baht for a shitty room.  He does not know how to manage a bar.”

I think she’s one of those “What you see is what you get”  kind of people

The beer costs 135 baht here, which is a little cheaper than most of the other Walking Street go go bars. When I ask her what her bar fine is she tells me, “I don’t know. The place is new.”

Meanwhile I’m also talking to the two girls sitting to my left. My girl has to get up on the stage to dance. So I ask them what the bar fine is. They don’t know either. So they motion another girl over to us. She doesn’t even know but she goes to the other end of the stage to find someone who does. She comes back. For a while she sits next to me as one of the girls I had been talking with has to take her turn on the stage. “1100 baht,” she tells me.

I’m making it clear to all the girls around me that my girl and I are good friends, and that we have known each other for a long time. But I never mention Soi Six to any of them. That’s up to the girl and if she wants to keep that a secret, I will honor her wanting to be quiet about her past employment down on Soi Six.

“Hym. 1100 baht bar fine? Those greedy bastard bar owners.”

I’ll be making her a deal for 1000 baht.  Just not sure when.  One thing’s almost for sure.  She’s not going to be playing a lot of those stupid Walking Street Go Go bar girl games most of them play. I stay here far too long.

It’s gettin kind of late and I need to be back a collectin that girl with the hypnotic eyes.  In the meantime for all of you readin these pearls of wisdom, there really is a Soi Six Go Go Bar connection.  I distinctly remember the go go dancer from Heaven Above working down on Soi Six later on where the price no doubt went immediately down from 2000 baht short time to 1000 baht or even lower.

Then there were the two pretty girls Billy Bob and I met in a Soi Six bar who had been working the Walking Street go go bars but were unable to make much money there.

And I’ll never forget one of my old time favorites who had tried working at Baccarat, but  gone back to her old Soi Six bar after not making enough money at Baccharat.

 To top it off, there was that really tall girl from Crazy House I had once paid too much for,

and then I wound up buying her a drink at that Soi Six Go Go Bar a few weeks later.   I thought she was pretty hot, but I never bar fined her again even if her price no doubt went way down.  That other girl with the golden pussy from another Soi Six Bar was simply too much competition.   My point is these were all the same girls. The only things that had changed was the price and the packaging.

Pattaya Police stopping sober drivers for drinking

Pattaya Police stopping sober drivers will certainly drive foreigners from Thailand.

Pattaya Police stopping sober drivers but they allow assault and battery of motorcyclists during Songkran
Songkran is just one example of why Thailand rates having the world’s 2nd most dangerous roads

Pattaya Police are now stopping drunk drivers .  But they are also stopping moderate drinkers.  They are doing this in the interest of public safety.   But In my opinion public safety is of no importance whatsoever to the police.  Money is their Holy Grail.

In 14 years, I’ve never seen the police stop a driver for running a red light or driving the wrong way.

And I mean,  not once.   Small wonder that Thailand  tops every country but 1 number  out of 200 countries  for having the world’s most lethal roads.  The reason is enforcing traffic laws to make the streets safe  doesn’t make money in a country where money is number one.

Songkran motorbike driver assaulted by water gun
A crowd of Imbeciles assaults a motorcyclist. . Many motorbike drivers die because of such assaults during Songkran

If you don’t believe me just come to Pattaya during Songkran and watch all the motorbike drivers getting assaulted by high powered water guns while the police watch.

But Pattaya Police stopping sober drivers? Or even moderate drinkers?   This is going to  kill the goose that has laid the golden egg.   Pattaya is Fun City.  It is a place to get hammered and to party all night long.  People do not come here for the cleanliness of its beaches.  And they don’t come here for the quality of its sidewalks.  Because there are hardly any to be found.

Nothing will change here.   Pedestrians wanting to cross the streets will still be scurrying across like a bunch of scared rats.  Visitors will still be walking down the streets dodging cars because there’s hardly any sidewalks in the entire city.   Thailand’s road’s will still be the 2nd most dangerous in the entire world.  Because the police care only about money.  While refusing to enforce the traffic laws or to punish bad drivers.

Related articles:  The Honda 250 CBR Broken Collar Bone Review

Pattaya Police give JB the Pattaya Breathalyzer Test


Should I give Red Baron movie10 stars?

Rotten Tomatoes gives the Red Baron a 20 % tomato meter score with an audience approval of 43 %. I give this German movie 9.5 stars out of ten.

Fokker Tri Plane
The Fokker Tri plane similar to those both von Richthofen and Werner von Voss used in their last flights. Alhough slow, the Fokker Tri Plane climbed like a monkey while possessing terrific handling.

The beginning is riveting. The end is simply a masterpiece.  After seeing the beginning of the movie I lost the scent.

The Red Baron’s about World War I German pilots

so when it occurs to me that the actors are speaking with a British accent, I put the movie on pause and went to the Rotten Tomatoes reviews to check them out.

A 20 % tomato rating based on the scores from 25 reviews is horrible. But the fact that only 43 percent of all viewers liked the movie means I just might like it. This is because

I’m an old guy with old fashioned values who’s  totally out of sync with the modern generation,

which I find to be spoiled, lazy, and fat from eating too much junk food. So I decided to get back to the movie and continue watching it for the time being. The chief reason for my giving this movie a chance was I have always been completely fascinated by World War I fighter aircraft.  I was even more fascinated by Baron Manfred Von Richthofen, the World War I ace of aces, who was responsible for shooting down 80 Allied Aircraft.  In his time the Red Baron was the best of the best, a man who would become the most legendary pilot of all time.

Erich Hartmann topped Red Baron with 352 victories
Erich Hartmann, the best scoring ace of all time shot down 352 enemy planes during WWII

And if you don’t believe that consider this. Another German pilot, Erich Hartman would become the top scoring ace of World War II after shooting down 352 Allied aircraft.  But whose name do you see on one of the most popular pizzas sold in America?  Red Baron.

Well, I was wrong. About the only actor in the Red Baron who’s English is Joseph Fiennes.

Then the movie takes a turn to the usual love plot that destroys far too many war movies. It’s about then that I realized that nearly all the actors are German and that this movie is a German production. So what am I getting here–a German version of “Pearl Harbor” which is 5 % about the bombing of Pearl harbor and 95 % about a love affair that never even happened.  And even if it did, who cares? But in spite of this, I keep watching the movie which keeps getting better all the time. The action video of World War I aerial combat is fabulous while the depictions of the fighter aircraft are absolutely stunning.

The Red Baron hooked me before I got 50 % into the movie

There might be a love affair in the movie, but so what? This is a great war movie that bears no resemblance to “Pearl Harbor”. As to the love object of the movie, I not only care less if she might have existed only as a nurse who treated the Baron for a head wound, who never got past the usual patient-nurse relationship–I prefer to keep her in this movie even if the real Kate was more myth than reality.

I think Kate, is a conveyance that the producers skillfully employed to bring out the humanity of the real Baron, a hero of epic proportions whose humanity and charisma is hidden by the passage of 100 years of time.  Not to mention the very primitive black and white photography and video of the time. And as I’ve already indicated, the ending to this movie is an absolute masterpiece. Without Kate, this particular ending would be impossible. But the invention of Kate is nevertheless a historical inaccuracy which many of the Red Baron’s detractors claim is unacceptable. But to produce a true artistic masterpiece which is what I think this movie is, I find this Historical inaccuracy to be necessary to give this movie the power it conveys. It is likely to bring many viewers to tears.

How about another complete Historical inaccuracy?

So far as I know, the Baron never met Captain Roy Brown, an English pilot who will later be credited with shooting down the Baron. The truth is the Baron is likely to have  been killed by Australian  ground fire although the British pilot would be given the credit to boost morale. But early on the Baron shoots Captain Roy Brown’s plane down. (which never happened). But a short time after landing his airplane at the German fighter base, Richthofen and several of his German fighter pilot buddies immediately leave the base to inspect the fallen British aircraft which has crashed only a few miles away.

The German pilots save the Englishman’s life when they pull him out of the crashed plane and promptly get him medical care. This never happened either (to Captain Brown) and  later in the film when Richthofen meets Captain Roy Brown again and the pair become fast friend, well that never happened either. At first the complete historical inaccuracies over the Red Baron–Captain Brown relationship really upset me, but after viewing the entire film I realized that the invention of Roy Brown’s coming face to face with the Baron on such occasions was being used like the invention of Kate, as a tool to express the true kinship that actually existed between the German pilots and their English foes that made the pilots of both sides truly worthy of being called “the knights of the air”.


But here’s my favorite Historical inaccuracy of them all. A short time before his death, Werner Von Voss is explaining to the baron that his plane is his entire life. He’s doing something very special to his plane, he tells the Baron.

So who exactly is Werner von Voss, you might ask?

Werner von Voss was second only to the Red Baron with 48 victories. He’s also quite possibly was the greatest German airman who ever lived, perhaps even greater than the Baron himself. But who’s to say who was the greatest of the great? If there is any truth at all to all those old Viking legends about a Valhalla, one can be sure that both men would be living there today as two of the greatest warriors of all time. So how good was Voss? For one thing he was a terrific mechanic who doted on his plane day and night. And as a true knight of the air–Voss was unsurpassed in both skill and bravery.

They don’t show it in the film and some of the movie’s critics fault the movie for not showing the death of Werner von Voss. On his last flight he’s flying a Folker Dr 1. (Richthofen himself would die in a Folker Dr 1 a few months later.)

The Folker Dr 1 is the famous tri plane that the Red Baron would paint blood red.

The plane had a terrific rate of climb and wondrous handling, but it could do only 103 miles an hour.

But on his last day of life, Werner von Voss found himself in combat with 7 British pilots flying SE-5 biplanes that would do 130 miles an hour. All 7 of the British pilots were aces credited with at least 5 victories each. Yet Voss took all 7 of them on, and more than held his own for over ten minutes.

Voss damaged at  two of the enemy aircraft enough to make them crash land.  While his machine guns holed every single one of his foes.  Several of the English pilots would later say that on numerous occasions Voss could have escaped to fight another day by using his superior rate of climb to break off from the British fighters. Instead, he fought on until his opponents shot him down. But during those ten minutes he put on a dazzling display of turning and twisting his aircraft in a series of impossible maneuvers such as the British aces never saw before or would ever see again.

SE-5 fighter plane
Much faster at 130 mph to the tri plane’s 103 mph top end in most respects the SE-5 was superior to the Fokker DR-1 tri plane. But not in the hands of a master such as Werner von Voss.

As two of the victorious English aces later reported. (Arthur Rys-Davids would shoot down 25 German planes while McCudden would shoot down 57 German aircraft).

The two British aces said this about Werner von Voss after shooting him down

“As long as I live I shall never forget my admiration for that German pilot, who single-handed fought seven of us for ten minutes and also put some bullets through all our machines. His flying was wonderful, his courage magnificent, and in my opinion he was the bravest German airman whom it has been my privilege to see.” James McCudden

“If I could only have brought him down alive…” Arthur Rhys-Davids to James McCudden

The Red Baron could have shown the last legendary flight of Werner von Voss.

Instead, it shows the Baron hearing about it from a British communication complaining about a German pilot the British  shot down who had stolen a British Bentley engine which he had then stuffed into his Fokker Tri plane. At that moment the Baron knew that the German pilot  could only have been Werner von Voss.

But of course the real Werner von Voss never put a Rolls Royce engine into his German fighter. But the way the incident was played off, as untruthful as it was–it was a terrific convention to show just what kind of man Werner von Voss was.  Voss was a man who wan so devoted to his airplane and so dedicated to his craft that no one else could touch him. This was a man who was forever tinkering in an endless search for perfection and whose flying skills were so awesome that it took 7 British aces 10 minutes to kill him.  Werner von Voss was a hero for all time.

Red Baron Manfred von Richthofen at 25
Red Baron Manfred von Richthofen was only 25 when he was killed.

No doubt the Baron’s grief reached the lowest ebb it had ever been with the death of his friend, mentor and rival, Werner von Voss. And I think that in spite of my wanting to see the immortal combat death scene of von Voss, the little lie of the Bentley engine in a German fighter served as an even more powerful tool for convincing the audience how great Voss really was along with the very powerful bond between the two German aces.

And this now brings us to the final scene of the Red Baron. Like a Wagnerian opera

the 2nd half of the Red Baron slowly shows the tragedy that is about to unfold. One by one nearly all of the Baron’s comrades are killed. He sees his own end approaching, and yet, he’s unable to do anything about it. And this is where the historical unfact of the nurse who loved him comes in.

The film focuses upon Richthofen’s final hours. You know the man’s going to die, and by now you thoroughly like him. He’s fun. He’s capable of loving a woman to the utmost. He is a wonderful friend to have. To his enemies he’s a chivalrous man without equal. Finally you see him fly away through his lover’s eyes never to return.

The last scene of the Red Baron has Captain Roy Brown escorting Kate to Richthofen’s grave

two weeks later.  British air force pilots placed flowers on the Red Baron’s grave.  They then placed two white ribbons across the flowers that read, “To our Friend and Enemy, Manfred von Richthofen.” This ending scene recalls the beginning of the movie when the Baron, Werner von Voss and their pals disobey orders from their superior by flying over an English funeral to throw a similar bouquet of flowers and note on the grave of a British airman they had shot down. As for the third appearance of Captain Roy Brown, one must remember that he’s the man combating the Baron when the Baron gets shot down. Once again he symbolizes the chivalry, and mutual respect for their adversaries that the British and German fighter pilots shared along with the great dangers they shared.

The death of Richthofen was of course the stuff of legends.

No one knows for sure whether one of Captain Roy Brown’s bullets killed the Red Baron or whether the Australian infantry shot him with a machine gun.  But it’s far more likely that machine gun from the ground  shot him down.  Or perhaps even from an infantryman’s rifle. But that’s not the point. A single .303 bullet entered his chest severely damaging his heart and lungs. But in spite of it, he manages to land his aircraft practically undamaged before dying in the cockpit muttering “I’m kaput” to the first ground troops to get to his plane.   Like Voss’s, his death was worthy of a Wagnerian opera.

The movie’s not quite perfect which is why I give it 9.5 stars out of 10. The historical inaccuracies are marvelous conveyances that put a new spin on both the Baron and Werner von Voss. The acting is superb. Matthias Schweighoffer plays a completely likable and believable Manfred von Richthofen. Both the beginning and end of the movie are unforgettable. And now that I’ve seen it I want to find out a lot more about both the Red Baron and Werner von Voss.

Thailands Killer Buses


Thailands Killer Buses at Pattaya Dophin Circle
After writing this article I walked down to Dolphin Circle where I only had to wait five minutes to get a picture of a car nearly running down two pedestrians in the cross walk.  A few days before a tour bus nearly killed a friend and me by  running through the same cross walk when the sign signaled for us TO WALK

Thailands Killer Buses and the explosion of Chinese tourists are  terrorizing the country’s residents

and devastating Thailand’s infrastructure  with no end in sight.  Let me give you a few keywords and phrases for why this terrible state of affairs is unlikely to change such as:

Chinese tourists, greed, police incompetence, money number one, fearless leaders of Chinese tour groups, Thailands Killer Buses

Here in Thailand tour buses are completely out of control.   And the number of rampaging tour buses is exploding along with the numbers of Chinese tourists who ride them.  In Thailand’s cities, notably Pattaya where I happen to live most of the streets are too narrow to accommodate them while the cities planners never created enough parking for the 1.3 billion wanna bee Chinese tourists who want to come here.  Traffic problems are getting to be horrendous due to the vast increase in tour buses and the total incompetence and greed of government officials and police.

So just how deadly have these tour buses become?

Just two examples should be enough to give you the real picture of Thailands Killer Buses :

pedestrian walk signal
We get the go ahead that it’s safe to walk.  But the cars keep coming.  We  must dart around like rats in the pedestrian cross walk.

Last week, a friend and I were crossing North Pattaya Road on the Best Supermarket (East) side of Naklua Road.  There’s a traffic light here where motorized vehicles need to stop when the light turns red.  There’s also a cross walk for pedestrians and a pedestrian walk/don’t walk light.   So my friend and I walking in the cross walk with the pedestrian sign giving us the “Walk” go ahead.  But are we  crossing the street in safety?

No way.  In seconds we become rats darting between the speeding cars running the red light.  Suddenly a tour bus speeds through the light,  and around the corner.  We freeze in the middle of the intersection hoping that the morons driving Thailands Killer Buses will spare our lives.  Our insides turn to quivering jelly.

Pedestrian crossing of North Pattaya RoadTwo days later we are once again crossing North Pattaya Road at the same pedestrian cross walk.

And sure enough, we find ourselves pathetically dodging all those cars again.  Luckily we emerge unscathed on the other side of North Pattaya Road where Naklua Road suddenly becomes Second Road.  But this time there’s a police officer just thirty meters away from us on the other side of Second Road.  The authorities have stationed policeman here for one purpose alone.  Which is to to stop motorcyclists who are not wearing their helmets or other “victimless crimes”.    Such as having a license plate that is 2 days out of date.  But is he doing anything about all the out of control motorists across the street?  No way.

traffic light Pattaya
Pattaya’s city planners would have been better off not putting in such lights in the first place. The same thing goes for the cross walks down on Beach Road. What they fail to  comprehend is that neither the law or the authorities respect human life.

My second example is the death of a friend who died a few months ago from his injuries after a tour bus mowed him down.

(note that I did not use the phrase Thailands Killer Buses here).  The man was driving his motorcycle to the Tiger Zoo in Sriracha with his son sitting behind him.  I wasn’t there  And I never had the chance to talk to him about it later.   But a very good friend of mine back in the United States who was a very good friend of the victim and the victim’s wife reported by e-mail:

How Thailands Killer Buses gunned her husband down

“yes the details were and are sketchy…but he’s bk at home reading a lot of ebooks…but is terminally..due to brain tumor…on his accident..I got a broken thai/English message that said he and his kid were on motorcycle..tour bus pulled out in front of way to stop…kids was sitting in front but marty leaned over and took the hit with his head so the kid didn’t get hurt…during this time they found or it caused another tumor”

I believe that the official position on the accident was the victim fell  asleep while driving his motorcycle and that he rear ended the tour bus.  Yeah, right!  When’s the last time you ever fell asleep driving a motorcycle?  You can chalk this up to the authorities  giving Thailands Killer Buses a license to kill.

Massive invasion by Chinese tourists put Thailands Killer Buses out of control

The Chinese have recently replaced the Russians as the single largest foreign visitor group coming to Thailand.  But here’s the key difference.  Russian tourists just like their American, British, or German counterparts are not nearly as driven by the herd instinct as the Chinese.  Like their fellow Westerners from the U.S., Europe, etc Russians are not typically herd animals.   Unlike the Chinese, the Russians are not herd animals.  Most of them arrange  their own transportation and  use taxis, baht buses, or motorcycle taxis.  The Chinese are different and travel everywhere in large groups.  I condescendingly refer to such groups as the “Chinese Army”.

Here’s the way such Chinese Armies work.

A company that arranges tours in China books a tour for a group, and this company is out to make the largest profit possible.  Either before or after the tour group of Chinese reaches Thailand Chinese authorities assign a “Fearless Leader”  to shepherd the flock of sheep to all the tourist attractions, restaurants, bars and hotels that either he or his bosses decides the herd cannot do without.   Commissions or kickbacks are given to the fearless leader from all the bars, restaurants, hotels, and other tourist attractions the herd is taken to.  It is the fearless leader’s mission in life to get the maximum amount of commission money from his flock (I mean herd).

Let me give you a couple of examples.  

Back in 1982 I was on a tour of Americans

visiting Japan, Hong Kong, Singapore and Bangkok.  When we got to Hong Kong from Japan, we picked up, Larry,  our fearless leader, a young Hong Kong Chinese, who quickly became a good friend of mine.  Our group went practically everywhere by bus.  In our group there were a number of Jews from Los Angeles who all knew each other quite well.  There was another Jew from New York, named Al, who no doubt detested his Jewish brethren  who probably despised him just as much in return.  Now all these people might have been Jewish but there was a huge difference between Al and all those West Coast Jews.

When we went to the Royal Palace in Bangkok, everyone went on the bus except  Al.  Everyone of us had to pay a bus fee and an admission fee to the Royal Palace.  When our tour group got to the Royal Palace, our fearless leader, Larry, handled everything for us.  Meanwhile Al arrived on his own, having figured out early on how to use Bangkok’s taxis and bus services.  And at the Royal Palace, Al went up alone to the ticket counter where he paid his own price of admission at half the price the rest of us had to pay through our fearless leader.

Al made is a point to learn how to get around in every city he visited.  And more often than not, he’d choose his own restaurants at one third of the cost or even less  that the rest of us were paying at the restaurants that had been chosen for us by our fearless leader.

Then there were all those handicraft shops and factories

we’d visit as a group.  We’d go somewhere to see jade figurines being made in a small factory.  The next time we’d go to another outlet where glass objects were being made.  The next stop would be where clothing was being made out of silk.  And you should have seen all those West Coast Jewish women went wild in all those factories and handicrafts shops.  Their eyes were literally bulging out with greed as they all went on a spending frenzy.  But not Al and his wife.  If they bought anything at all it was at other shops that had not been carefully picked out by Larry or his bosses which sold comparable goods at one third the costs these pre-selected shops were charging.

Later Larry told me about all the commissions he was getting for his boss back in Hong Kong.  The man had two, not one Rolls Royce limousine at his opulent home on Victoria Peak, Hong Kong’s most prestigious and expensive residential area.

Well guess what—Times have not changed.  All those “fearless leaders” of tour groups are still raking in all those commissions

and all those Chinese with their herd mentality are just foolish enough to go along with it.  (Not that those L.A. Jews weren’t or that Al proved the complete outcast of any such herd).

Now here’s a real classic.   A Thai woman I’ve known for years owns a bar that’s close to my condo.  She typically charges 85 baht for a bottle of beer.  One day a Chinese man stopped in and the bar owner asked him if he wanted a beer.

“No Thank.  I wait for Fearless Leader.  Then we decide.”

Along comes the rest of the tour group.  The fearless leader draws the bar owner aside and asks her what she charges for a bottle of beer. She tells him 85 baht.

“I want you charge special group price he tells her.  We pay 145 baht one beer, Okay?  You give me 50 %..”

“Fuck off the  bar owner tells the Chinese Army Fearless leader”.

And off trudges the Chinese Army as each Chinese carefully places his foot in the footprints of the Fearless Leader.  I suppose that’s why many of us Thailand expats have been going to this Thai woman’s  bar for the past nine years.   It’s like a small island in an ocean where money is always number one.  Gotta love the old gal.

Thailand’s Money Number one ethic unleashes Thailands Killer Buses

But here we must step aside for a moment to consider that here in Thailand money is truly number one.  And the Chinese live by the same lack of ethics.  Speaking for Pattaya, which is the only place in Thailand where I”m actually living and can therefore be writing about from the perspective of having a lot of first hand knowledge, the government officials and police have zero respect for public safety or even human life.

If the authorities had just a little love for their own countrymen–If they possessed only a modicum of self respect for doing their jobs well–they would immediately expell Thailands Killer Buses from the city as soon as they discharged their passengers to whatever hotel the group was staying at.  All those Chinese would then be reduced to the same sorry state as all those Russians, Germans, Canadians, Japanese, Americans, etc who somehow  manage to arrange their own transportation whether it’s by baht taxi, motorbike taxi, mini bus or by just plain having to walk.

And just think about this.

If Thailand’s cities such as Pattaya actually started to enforce its traffic laws,

it might actually become reasonably safe to cross the street.  Driving motorbikes would become much more safe if all these city officials and police ever got their faces out of the cesspool bucket of money number one excrement.  Shops either at the hotels or at outside shops could start renting both bicycles and small motorbikes.  Unless it’s raining, what better way is there to get around?  For that matter I can drive my motorcycles 365 days a year, even on those days it is raining so long as the downpour is not too severe.

But oh well, I am just a visitor here.  I am not Thai so it’s not up to me to tell Thais how to do things.  For that matter I cannot get my fellow Americans to stop voting for the Traitorous Republican Party which is now being led by the Neo Nazi lunatic fringe. of the Far Right wing.




The three point plan–how to stay ahead of women

Two men were responsible for the three point plan, the perfect fool proof blueprint for winning the battle of the sexes, Saint Perrier and my Father.

Pattaya House of Sperm Body Massage three point plan
Oil massages are perfect for the man not wanting a personal relationship

When Saint Perrier started giving me lessons on how to apply the three point plan, I was teaching school in Saint Louis.

Saint Perrier became my only friend on the High School teaching staff. A black Afro American, Saint Perrier taught biology while I was teaching History and English. No fool, Saint Perrier, had developed the perfect concept on the planet for dealing with women–his three point plan which bore his personal guarantee for a lifetime of successful relationships with women.

“First, you gotta have a front program,” Saint Perrier said in a calm voice. “Now, your front can be your wife or your steady girlfriend. She’s the woman you can show off to all your friends, to your mother, and the entire community you are living in . She’s gotta be good looking, well dressed, well-spoken, and have good manners. Just think of her as always wearing a white dress.”

Saint Perrier’s voice became agitated. His eyes glistened with excitement. “Then comes your sneak program.

Now this is the woman you keep in the closet. The last thing you want to do is to show her off to your family, and your wife or girlfriend can never know you have a sneak. You might not even want to have your friends ever see her. She can be good looking, and then again, she might not be. The main thing is whenever you fuck her you have a jiggerhouse fuck.”

“What on earth is a jiggerhouse fuck?” I asked.

“Well, it’s a wild motherfucking anything goes fuck,” Saint Perrier replied loudly, his face feverish with excitement.

“Now where are the best places I can find a sneak?” I asked.

“Oh anywhere. She can be a prostitute or someone you just met in a bar. She can even be your best friend’s wife, but if she is, you had better really keep her in the closet and never let her out. The thing is, you can have as many sneaks as you want. There is no limit to the number of women you keep around just for fucking”

“That sounds interesting,“ I replied.

“Then there’s the third aspect of the three point plan,” Saint Perrier said in a calmer voice, and that’s the homestead program.”

“So what’s that.”

“Your homestead is a woman who’s a number one friend. You confide in her about your front and your sneaks. If a button falls off your shirt, she sews it back on for you. When you visit her she makes a pot of coffee and you don’t even have to ask her. Maybe you are fucking her, but that’s not important, and chances are that you aren’t taking her to bed.”

It all sounded wonderful to me, but I must continue on to why having a three point plan for women is so important. My father explained it to me, and I never forgot either what he or Saint Perrier said.

Lessons from my father about the three point plan

“If you have only  one woman, you fall into a trap,” my father told me. “If there ever was a God, he created us to fall into the monogamy trap. You see, women like that because it gives them security but it’s no good for the man. If he becomes accustomed to having sex with just one woman, he starts to feel that she’s irreplaceable. He will probably wind up marrying her and having children, and then he’s really screwed.  Son, do you really want to get married and have to spend the rest of your life with only one woman?”

“Well, I don’t know, Dad. What’s wrong with that?

“For one thing, she’s probably going to get fat on you. And after you are with her for a year or more, she starts to take advantage of you. That’s because  have a boring routine. But at the very beginning of the relationship you were getting brainwashed into believing:   No one else feels like her; and no one else is going to feel so good in the sack.  But after a year you are so used to each other that both of you get into a big rut.”

“So who’s the brain washer?”

“God.  He’s the villain here.  He wants you to settle down,  have a family, and make little babies to carry on the human species.

But as far as He’s concerned, we are all likes insects, copulating,  and  breeding, just to keep reproducing human spawn.   He doesn’t care about you.

“Well Dad, I think you have convinced me.  I’ll ever get married.”

“God, if there is a god, intended us to fall for just one woman, and that’s because he wants us to have children. So if you are going out with several women at the same time, you start to like one better than all the rest and you start going with only her. The key is to always have at least three women in your life.”

“That sounds like a lot of work.”

“Sure it is but it keeps you from falling into God’s trap. So you can never start liking one woman too much more than the others.

So if that starts to happen you must start replacing the women who you have become bored with. That way you can have and keep having great sex for the rest of your life without becoming tied down.”

My neighbor in Pattaya  has the perfect three point plan

I never thought my neighbor living next door to me in Pattaya is very smart, but now I’ve changed my mind. He’s got a girlfriend from Vietnam. She has a very white complexion, and if she dyes her hair a light brown you might even think she’s a girl from Europe or South American who’s moved to America. Her English is far better than most Thais and she’s really cute. So far he hasn’t moved her to Thailand from Vietnam so she’s only visiting him every three months or so and she never stays for more than two weeks. So he thinks about her a lot of the time, about how pretty she is, and how cute all his friends find her.

“That’s his front program. She’s speaks softly and she’s polite.

Then there’s his sneak program. Once in awhile he will pay a big bar fine for a Pattaya go go girl, but usually he’s after massage girls.

Now the problem with most Pattaya massage girls is that most of them are butt ugly. The reason for this is that a woman has to work very hard to give a one hour Thai massage–if she’s giving a good massage that is.   And, pretty girls have a lot better things to do than to work hard.  But, a lot of girls offer oil massages with the object being to ejaculate the customer by hand. It doesn’t take much work. Because of the oil the massage girl doesn’t  work hard to get the job done.

As for  my neighbor, he has all the time in the world for constantly driving around on his motorbike looking  all over Pattaya for the prettiest massage girls. I don’t go looking for them because there simply aren’t that many pretty ones around here and I don’t have the time to always be about looking for them down in South Pattaya where most of the girls with their oily semen soaked  hands ply their trade.

I’ve seen my neighbor bring some really pretty massage girls to his condo.  I’m amazed  how he finds them.

But it’s his homestead program that amuses me the most. It’s the girl who works in our condo office, and I’m sure that she will want to deny any personal involvement with my neighbor. But like him or not, she’s sticks to him like glue. She works for we condo owners so whenever he comes into our condo office she must accommodate him because it’s her job to take care of all the condo customers.

“I’ve been down in the condo office talking to her, when my neighbor suddenly walks in to show her pictures on his cell phone of his latest bar girl and massage girl sex partners.” Then out it comes, “Which one should I like best?”  or “Which one is the cutest”.  And “What should I do now that this one’s told me she has another boyfriend?” Now our office girl can really care less.  But she has to put up with him.

But it gets worse. You see, my neighbor is really cheap.

So he will come down to our condo office to ask the office girl, “My printer has run out of paper. Can you give me some?” Or, “my ink pen’s run out of ink. Can I borrow one from the office?” Another example is, “I don’t have a hammer. Can you have our maintenance man put up a picture for me?” And, “I don’t have a fan in my toilet. Do you have a small fan you can lend me?”

His requests are endless, and I think part of the reason he keeps going down to our condo office is that he finds Pooey to be pretty attractive. And unlike all the massage girls and bar girls he keeps bringing home with him, she’s got a really good mind, and a good sense of humor. (I mean you gotta to be putting up with him). Her English is good and she’s usually very logical, and in Thailand this is a quality that’s in very short supply.

So the other day I went down to talk to Pooey and I told her, “You know,

my neighbor has the perfect womanizing program–The Three Point Plan. He’s got all those massage girls for sex and he has the Vietnamese girlfriend to show off to his family and friends,

and then he has you, Pooey for his homestead plan. He asks you your advice on even how to put on his shoes, and he keeps asking you to lend him things from our condo office. I think he really likes you. He might even be in love with you.”

Daggers started to jump out of her eyes at me as she told me, “I could kill you Jack.”

To read more about how the three point plan works check out my novel Death on the Wild Side at


Jeb Bushs Brainless Trust

Maureen Dowd’s recent editorial Jeb Bushs Brainless Trust in the New York Times was simply so awesome that I had to link it here.

Because Jeb Bushs Brainless Trust is the most eloquent argument for voting Democrat that I’ve read.

Here’s Maureen Dowd’s editorial.

Jeb Bushs Brainless Trust came after the Republican cartoon strip
The Republican Party has become so bad that I just had to create the GOP cartoon strip even though I can’t draw.

Jeb wound up never getting close to the Gop presidential nomination in 2016.  Jeb went up with a miserable cast of Republican hopefuls in 2015-6.  But the GOP offered up just as many misfits in 2012.   For a few laughs and tears let’s revisit my GOP cartoon strip.

Microsoft Word unacceptable compared to Wordperfect

I find Microsoft Word unacceptable.  Especially when I compare it to Corel Wordperfect Office.  I should know because I am a writer.

Microsoft Word unacceptable ribbon bar interface
Let’s start with the Microsoft Word Interface. Instead of the traditional menu setup most of Microsoft’s competitors were using. Particularly Word Perfect, MIcrosoft gave its customers this streamlined ribbon bar. But take my word for it. This ribbon bar is very confusing. I would oftentimes have to resort to looking up Word functions using the Google Search engine. This is very time consuming. Which makes Microsoft Word unacceptable for me. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Doing footnotes for example is very time consuming in Microsoft Word whereas in Word Perfect it’s very intuitive.

I have Microsoft Office 2010, and I absolutely despise it.   I loath Microsoft Office so much that I’ve actually reviewed it.  So if you want a totally honest assessment of Microsoft Office click here.  But I also have Microsoft Office on my computers .   If I don’t, there’s no way that I can send and receive correctly formatted documents from users of  Microsoft Office.

In the past several years I’ve written and produced four books. But if I am to receive reports from Amazon on how many paperback books and Kindle books I’ve sold I need  Microsoft Excel.

I also need Excel to export Quickbooks accounting files to a spreadsheet.  Excel comes with Microsoft Office.  This means I must have Microsoft Office on my computer.

It doesn’t matter how much I detest Microsoft.   I have to have it because everyone else has it.  I infinitely prefer Wordperfect Office X-7 which  is so superior to Microsoft Office that it makes Microsoft Word unacceptable for word processing.

In Microsoft Office the Excel Spreadsheet module is excellent.  But the Word word processor module needs to be thrown into the toilet.  It smells that bad.

I just admitted that Excel, the spreadsheet component of Microsoft Office, is quite good.  But, Quattro Pro, which is Wordperfect Office’s spreadsheet module, is equally good.

But Microsoft Word needs to be taken off the market.   It is terrible. This means that Microsoft Office needs to be taken off the market.  Even though it contains Excel, it’s got one of the worse Word processor’s that has ever been foisted upon the consumer.

Microsoft Word unacceptable Wordperfect menu easy to use
This is your bread and butter Wordperfect menu driven interface. Most features you will be using the most are clearly shown without your having to search into the menus to find them. Example in point….outlining. Or bullets. Fonts. Margins. Positioning of text such as left justification, right or center. It’s right there in front of your face. But suppose you want something more specific. Such as page numbering? You just click on format and then you will see Page. This simply makes clear common sense. Nearly all formatting options are under formatting where they should be. With the Microsoft ribbon bar, such formatting options are all over the place. Bottom line. Microsoft Word unacceptable. These three words tell you all you need to know.

I’ve written four books.   I’ve had to use Word to upload my files  to the amazon servers.   I need to do this to self publish my books with Amazon.   The Amazon servers will not accept Wordperfect files  so I am stuck  having to use Word.

I’ve had to spend three times as much work trying to format each book in Word as I’ve had to in Wordperfect.

And even then I couldn’t format my book captions  in Word because of its unacceptable limitations.

Well perhaps you won’t believe me.  But will you believe over 300 independent reviews from the people who have actually bought Wordperfect and Microsoft Office from Amazon?

The funny thing is, when you read the reviews of Wordperfect Office versus Microsoft Office in computer magazines such as Computer World and P.C. Magazine you will always find that Microsoft Office comes out on top.

But who do you think is spending more money advertising their products with these magazines?  Corel, which is Wordperfect’s parent company or Microsoft?  You better believe that Microsoft is spending a lot more advertising dollars than Corel.   It has huge market dominance over everybody else.  Almost every personal computer being sold  must have Microsoft Windows.  This means Microsoft gets tons of money selling the operating system software alone.

With Wordperfect you can easily choose from a different looks for your basic interface. This is the classic 5.1 version Wordperfect interface. It’s clean and uncluttered with a lovely blue background color. This is terrific for distraction free writing. This background is the same one Wordperfect was using 20 years ago in its Dos 5.1 version of Wordperfect before Microsoft even introduced its first Windows operating system. One can also choose a Microsoft Word interface. There’s so many variations you can choose from in Wordperfect. THat makes Microsoft Word unacceptable. Word is simply too limited and too confusing.

Many people don’t realize this.  But Microsoft used to bundle Microsoft Office with each copy of Microsoft Windows it sold.  This meant that everyone buying the Windows operating system was getting Microsoft Office for free.

Meanwhile companies such as Wordperfect were selling their office software at pretty hefty prices.  But I will tell you this.  In those days Wordperfect had wonderful technical support.

I formatted my first book beautifully thanks to the exceptional technical phone support from Wordperfect.  So I didn’t have to pay the experts to typeset my book.  The Wordperfect support team spent hours on the phone with me.  And I didn’t have to spend one dime because I had already paid over a hundred dollars to Wordperfect for the initial software.

But practically everybody else was getting Microsoft Office for free.  While Microsoft designed Microsoft Office to integrate perfectly with its Microsoft  Windows Windows Operating system.

Whereas Wordperfect Office always had problems working with Microsoft’s operating system software.  Microsoft made sure of that.

This all ended with complete Microsoft dominance in the office software market.  Why should anyone buy office or word processing software from anyone else when they already had it on their computers?  Especially when they’d have to pay for software that doesn’t run smoothly on Microsoft Windows operating systems?

Microsoft Word unacceptable compared to Wordperfect
The Wordprocessor interface doesn’t get any simpler than this. There are no menu headings here whatsoever. What you are looking at is basically a clean white sheet of paper on a computer screen. This is the ultimate for distraction free writing. This is what most real writers want. And you get it with Wordperfect. But if you want instant access to the Wordperfect menus you just hit the escape key and voila. The menus appear.  The flexibility of the Wordperfect interface and menu system once again makes Microsoft Word unacceptable for advanced users.

Just remember that money is number one with all these “Trusted Magazines” such as Computer World  and P.C. Magazine.

So whoever spends the most advertising dollars with them is going to get the best reviews.

But if you want to find out the real truth you need to check out the Microsoft Office and Wordperfect Office 7 customer reviews on Amazon.   These customers are actual end users of Wordperfect.  And Wordperfect Office 7 is now selling for just $78 at amazon.  

These customers are giving Wordperfect Office X-7 4 ½ stars while only giving Microsoft’s Office 3 stars.

These numbers do not lie.  Ponder this.  There are something like 300 customer user reviews at Amazon and that the customers are not getting paid anything for their unbiased ratings.

What I am saying is completely true, and a proven fact when you consider that the customers who are actually buying Corel’s Wordperfect Office and Microsoft Office from Amazon are giving Wordperfect’s Office X-7 4 ½ stars while only giving Microsoft’s Office 365 Home edition 4 stars. These numbers do not lie.    The customers are not getting paid anything for their unbiased ratings.

Also–this latest Microsoft Office is subscription only.  You get to pay $85 now.   Then next year Microsoft hits your credit card up again for another $85.00  And so on ad nauseum.

Getting back to the actual user experience of these two Office software programs,

it’s not just the user friendliness of Wordperfect that makes Microsoft Word unacceptable.  Its far richer feature set makes Microsoft Word unacceptable to the advanced user as well as to novice.

of Wordperfect that puts it far ahead of its rival.  Wordperfect Office has a reveal codes setup that totally puts Wordperfect in front of Microsoft Office when it comes to correcting the look of your documents.  And how to you access, “Reveal Codes”?  Where you intuitively know where this feature should reside.  Just click on View, and there it is.  “Reveal Codes”.

Keep in mind also that even these unbiased Amazon customer ratings do not tell the entire story.  A lot of the customers giving good ratings for Microsoft Office don’t know any better.  They’ve never had Wordperfect on their computers before so they have nothing to compare their Microsoft Office software to.  But most of the reviewers for Wordperfect Office that are giving it a 4.5 star rating have had both on their computers.   What I am saying is Microsoft Office is lucky to get even 4 stars.

I am a high end user.  I’ve published 4 books using either Microsoft Office or Wordperfect Office.

Wordperfect has done an outstanding job doing all typesetting tasks.  Microsoft Office hasn’t.  It’s confusing.  It’s clunky.  And it lacks so many features that Wordperfect has in spades.

The advanced formatting and typesetting features of Wordperfect Office makes Microsoft Word unacceptable to all advanced users.  Bottom line is this.  I can format and typeset a book three times as fast in Wordperfect as I can with Microsoft Office software.  And I can do this 10 times easier.  Enough said.






Soi Six bar girl speaks out about Falang

I want falang take care of me long time,  the Soi Six bar girl told me, but I want go to Thai Karioke bars and discos so my friends and I can listen to Thai music and look at Thai men.

Soi Six bar girl
This is not the girl in the story. But both women are in a Soi 6 bar. The girl on the left has just passed out from too much tequila.

Fortunately I am not this  Soi Six bar girl s sucker, and I don’t intend to be. I’m on the top of my game, and I’m just plain not interested in having a Thai girlfriend and you shouldn’t be either.

I’ve known  Soi Six bar girl for a long time.   I knows she’s speaking the truth.  And not just for herself but for nearly every Thai woman you are ever likely to be meeting.  Whethershe’s from a beer bar, go go, or from the Soi Six Bar I’m writing from this very minute. The girl’s sitting next to me downstairs. She’s on her smart phone drumming up new customers or telling guys she knows how much she loves them while I’m sitting here downing tequilas and beer with her and writing in my notebook. This bar’s a favorite hangout of mine.

Half an hour ago she was a great fuck. But she’s known me for a long time. She knows I’ve banged over fifty girls here on Soi Six and that’s not counting all the other places I keep pulling my wimmen from. Just two doors from this place is her favorite buddy who just happens to be the mamasan.

Last night the two went down to Walking Street together, but speaking of this mamasan, I’ve banged her too–about four times already but it’s been awhile.

She’s a great mamasan. She’s smart, she’s sexy, she speaks good English, and she never cons me.

As for the Soi Six bar girl  sitting with me in this here booth, this one’s never copped an attitude with me. She’s always friendly, but the best thing about her aside from her being cute and having a nice tight little body is she’s become like a comfortable shoe. I knows her and she knows me. This Soi Six bar girl has nothing to gain by lying to me now so I pop the big one on her.

“Would you ever like to have a falang boyfriend and quit being a Soi Six bar girl?”

(It’s a stupid question). I means who really wants to have one dick in her after another, which is exactly what these Soi Six girls have to put up with?

“It really hard to find good man,” she replies. “I try many times, but man always bad.”

Ain’t that the truth, I tell myself. To be honest, as outgoing and friendly as I am, I actually despise most men. They are full of themselves.  They are selfish.  And most of them never ever grew themselves a set of balls. Neil Hutchison was right when he wrote Fool in Paradise because that’s what most guys who come here are. Fools in Paradise, so when he wrote that book after writing Money Number One, what he meant was that nearly every man who comes to Pattaya is a complete idiot when it comes to Thai women. This Soi Six whore is right on the money.

Did I call her a whore? Well, I didn’t mean anything derogatory towards her when I wrote that.

She’s a damn site more useful to me than most wimmen are who don’t call themselves whores.

I’ve just paid her 800 baht.  She gives me terrific sex and now she’s content to just sit here with me. She hardly ever asks me for a drink, but I think if I kept plying her with alcohol she’d sit next to me all night. Except I’d be sure to be banging her again. She’s that good. And she’s going to tell me the truth now, just as that mamasan would if she were sitting with me instead. Yep, that mamasan certainly would, but now that I’m thinking of her I just can’t stop laughing.

A few months ago I came into the mamasan’s bar just to have a few drinks. That night I didn’t care if I boom boomed someone or not. I was out just to have fun, and when I first came in and saw mamasan dancing all around the place with that little white nurse’s hat on, I just knew that the entertainment was just a starting. There’s this guy standing near me, and right off I just knows he’s just fucked mamasan. But like I says, Mamasan’s dancing all around the place, obviously a little drunk, and then this man grabs her and starts dancing with her.

“Let’s get naked, get on the floor and fuck each other”, he tells her while he feels her up.

For a moment I thought she would have.  But I happen know she once told me she fucked between sixty and eighty guys a month in her bar. But then the man comes over to me while she escapes into the toilet.

“Hi. I”m Olaf. I’m Swedish.”

“And I’m Uncle Bufford. That’s one pretty lady you are with,” I tell him.

“She certainly is. I just fucked her and I will fuck her again in a little while.”

‘Well, I’d like to fuck her too,” I told the man, not having the heart to tell him that I had been with her a few times before and had oftentimes just come in to have several drinks with her.

“I fucked 11 girls yesterday right next door to this place. At the O Bar,” the man replied.

“How’d you do that? I’m lucky to be able to get it up just for one girl,” I countered.

“I just told the bartender and everyone in the place that I wanted to fuck as many as I could and then I just started having the girls come upstairs to my room one after the other.”

When mamasan finally came out of the toilet the Swede left me. She staggered up to him. Then he grabbed the Soi Six bar girl , kissed her on the lips, and pulled away.

Standing in the center of the bar, he unzipped his pants, pulled out his dick and asked her, “Do you member this?”

I’ll never forget the way she laughed at him and replied,

“How can I remember your dick when I’ve already had three thousand of them in me already?”

Now all you guys who are reading this about now will not learn this most fundamental lesson. That is this is what you are going to amount to most of these bar girls is that you are just one more dick out of hundreds, and quite possibly thousands, and if you don’t believe me just go read Money Number One.

I love that mamasan, and as for that Swede, a few minutes later he comes up to me again and then he goes to the toilet. But he doesn’t come out. A few minutes pass, and finally he opens the toilet door, takes a few steps out into the bar, and then he goes back inside again.

He’s puking his guts out, obviously not able to control his alcohol. Which brings me back to the girl I’m with tonight.

“So what will you do, if you find a Western boyfriend and you decide to stay together long time.  And what must he pay you to stop you from working bar?” I ask the Soi Six bar girl .

“Fifteen thousand baht. Twenty thousand,” she replies. But falang want to control me. That is big problem. I don’t mind if he goes out with his friends to bars at night but he should let me to. I want to go out with friends to discos and bars, listen to Thai music. Look at Thai men.”

Aha. I thought so. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. And what’s this with Thai men? I despise most of them. I know what nearly all of them are about. But I’m not getting into all of that, except to say

 Any woman who prefers Thai men is of no real interest to me. But I don’t care. This gals just plain good company, and besides, I love fucking her.

I could easily just stay here and drink with her for the next two or three hours but I need to go down to Walking Street so that I can write about my next experience there in my Uncle Bufford Walking Street Reviews.  Plus, there’s a very pretty go go girl that I’ve got my heart set on boom booming later on tonight.

But I till love a Soi Six bar girl best of all.