Big John’s mistake was believing that he could trust a corrupt Pattaya Policeman to do something as simple as carrying out a Thai girlfriend investigation in LOL.
(Not LOS, Land of Smiles but LAND OF LIES).
Fun was a good girl, not a bar girl onto the game, the American topless club owner thought. Big John knew only too well how the game was played because as a strip club owner he had been training strippers how to extract as much money from his customers as possible so long as they played the game by his rules. But the con could only go so far. So long as everyone was having fun and no customer got conned beyond what he could afford. And the lies told by the dancers were nothing more than white lies, all would be well at Big John’s Cabaret.
Big John had over twenty years of experience with American bar girls working with him in the strip clubs.
Although he loved his strippers he had long ago concluded that “One can take the girl out of the bar but one cannot take the bar out of the girl.” He had watched countless times the topless dancers playing up to the customers, most of whom were portly older guys, who really had no business believing such young sexy women were remotely interested in them for anything other than money. So he decided to beat the bar girl game by finding a nice girl for a Thai girlfriend. He asked a Pattaya go go bar owner friend of his to help.
He found his “nice Pattaya girl” posing as the manager of a large massage establishment.
She was a serious girl, reserved in manner with a certain Hi So (High Society) attitude that separated her from all the bar girl Riffraff his friends were taking out. “She’s the girl for me,” he reasoned. So he started asking his go go owner friend to ask his Thai wife to act as a go between. After his bar owner friend’s wife had said enough good things about him, Big John started turning the charm on the massage parlor manager. Before long this nice Thai girl became Big John’s girlfriend.
Big John was visiting Thailand two or three times a year. Every so often he would have an Australian friend of his take ten thousand baht to the massage establishment which he’d give to Fun in an envelope. One time Peter took his Thai girlfriend, Noi, along. Peter gave Fun an envelope full of baht. After the pair returned to their hotel room. Peter told Noi that Fun was the massage establishment’s manager.
Convulsing with laughter Noi replied, “Fun’s not the manager, she’s just the cashier.”
The fun and games were starting to reveal themselves.
Appropriately enough Big John’s girlfriend’s name was Fun. Which wasn’t her real name. But believe me, everyone would have a lot of Fun by the time this story ends.
Peter’s girlfriend turned out to be an alcoholic who couldn’t hold onto 10,000 baht for three days. He wound up throwing Noi out of his condo one night after she nearly bit his eye out. Then he replaced her with a clever Thai bar girl who he called Ding Ding.
Now it might seem that Peter was poking fun at Big John. Far from it. In those days everyone poked a lot of fun at each other. Peter’s biggest act of stupidity was his failure to realize that Ding Ding had a Thai husband who she was secretly seeing the minute he turned his back on her.
Fun, on the other hand, was a nice Thai girl with high society breeding, who believed she was infinitely above such low lifes as Ding Ding and her bar girl friends.
One night Peter took a group to the Excite Disco where everyone sat at a table together. Everyone except for Fun who sat off by herself at one end of the table away from everyone else, obviously pissed off. No one knew what Big John did or said, but Fun was showing everyone who was the boss.
Ding Ding–well she was practically born and raised in a bar.
Well let me tell you, Ding Dong was one clever Thai woman. She had a Thai girlfriend named Mai. Who was so short that Peter and his friends oftentimes called her Pygmy. Ding Ding had once forged a college transcript for Mai so she could get a job that required a college education. In reality Mai was dumber than owlshit.
Mai who was with everyone that night. After all Ding Dong and Mai were best friends.
Obviously it was below Fun’s status to hang around with such people even though Ding Ding was probably twice as clever as her and Mai had a coveted university diploma from Chang University. That’s where they serve beer for the main course.
A few weeks later Ding Ding and Mai went to Koh Chang with the guys they had been with at Excite. Fun went also, but during the entire three day outing, she stayed away from the other girls, sitting at the other end of the resort’s swimming pool or playing sick when everyone went snorkeling on a dive boat.
All of this was too much for Peter. Getting Big John aside, Peter told him:
“Your girlfriend is a total bitch. This whole time we’ve been spending on Koh Chang, Fun’s stayed away from our entire group. She’s completely encapsulated in her own little corner of self-worth.
Meanwhile Peter had been noticing that Fun was taking too much time off from her job for someone who would be entrusted with any real management responsibilities.
Every time Big John would come to Pattaya for one of his two week visits, Fun would be called away from her job to visit her mother in Udon Nowhereland.
Which left Big John with an entire week to hook up with other Thai women. While he spent the remainder of his time with Fun.
Meanwhile Fun had somehow acquired the money get her own house in Pattaya. Which Big John started calling the Big John and Mrs. Big John house. Then he started buying furniture for the house in the hopes of having a semi permanent residence here in LOL (Land of Lies).
About a year later, Big John told Peter that Fun had to visit her mother. This suited him just fine because now Big John could have one week on his own while he spent the rest of his time playing house with Mrs. Big John.
However, by this time Big John had started getting suspicious. So he decided to go to someone he could really trust. To find out the real truth he hired a Pattaya policeman to tail Mrs. Big John.
He was still in the U.S. but within a couple of days he would be joining the gang in Pattaya. Which was all All the better to start his Thai girlfriend investigation.
From the United States, Big John text messaged Peter, “Fun is right now where she’s supposed to be. She’s on her way visiting Mama in the village. I have already started my Thai girlfriend investigation. My detective has her in his sights.”
That morning Peter and Pier were walking for exercise. And by exercise I do mean exercise because they would walk almost all the way to Jomtien and back along the beach. Pier, a rough Norwegian seaman, was Peter’s best friend mainly because he was the only Westerner around who was willing to exercise. This walk amounted to twenty kilometers. This took them three hours together as they laughed and talked together about just about anything they could think of.
By the time Peter explained to Pier how Big John was having a Thai girlfriend investigation, Pier burst out laughing, and exclaimed:
“Thai girlfriend investigation investigation my ass.”
We both know, Peter, what is going on. That Thai policeman has no doubt caught Fun cheating on Big John.
I’ll bet he’s gone to her and told her, “Fun, you give me enough money and I’ll keep my mouth shut.” I’ll bet that Thai policeman will get money from both of them.”
By this time Big John was already in the airplane on his way to LOL (Land of Lies). Later that afternoon Peter and one of his Aussie friends were sitting at a restaurant on the beach,
where Peter thought he saw Fun walking just ten meters away with a tall man. Peter sure as hell didn’t need to pay for a Thai girlfriend investigation to immediately see what was happening.
Peter asked the other Australian, “Isn’t that Fun walking down the beach with that guy?”
“It sure is,” his fellow Australian replied.
“Well that tall guy is Fun’s mother that Big John keeps telling us about.
She’s up in Udon Nowhereland right now being followed by this Thai cop while she’s visiting her mama. Looks to me like that Thai cop isn’t doing what Big John’s paying him for.”
Peter can be a real smart ass. This was simply too much, so he decided to take this one to the limit. After all, Big John was one of his best friends ever, even if he poked fun at him whenever he could. He jumped up from the table and strolled up to Fun and her companion.
“Sawadi Kap, Fun. I see you have friend.”
Then Peter extended his hand to the man standing next to her. “Hi, I’m Peter.”
The man smiled back at him and replied, “And I am Ian.”
Peter couldn’t wait to get back to his condo and computer. The two Australians settled their bill and Peter hurried back to his condo where he immediately e-mailed Big John:
“Fun here near my condo on the beach. Mama with her. He’s a tall Englishman.”
Big John got the email while gorging himself with food in the Eva airlines lounge in Taipei. He immediately emailed Andy back: “Thanks good friend. I have been really stupid. I am finishing her right now.”
After Peter returned to his condo to warn Big John, Ding Ding suddenly blurted out: “Fun. She have boyfriend in this condo. He have very big condo.”
Reflecting back on this, Peter later commented that Fun must have had Ding Ding’s phone number all the time. And that Ding Ding had known all about Fun’s other boyfriend for an eternity.
But there is this Thai woman etiquette. No, it’s far more than that. It’s this Thai people etiquette that runs like a professional American football game. It’s falang versus Thai and the Thais all band together against the falang.
So in the case of Fun having two boyfriends, the scoreboard read Thai 14, Falang 0.
Ding Ding had been Peter’s live in girlfriend for over a year. Yet for months she had been quiet about Fun’s cheating on Big John. Although she probably detested Fun for her haughty pretentious ways, Fun was nevertheless a Thai.
No doubt Ding Ding probably liked Big John a lot. And who wouldn’t? From what I’ve heard, Big John’s one of the most affable people who’s landed in LOL since the Vietnam War. Before becoming a strip club owner he was a night club D.J. who had a legendary reputation for keeping the club’s customers spellbound.
But Ding Dong was undoubtedly thinking. Big John’s still a Westerner and it’s We Thais against all Westerners. But now that the guys have caught Fun in the act, it’s time for me to cut my losses, act like a loyal girlfriend and fess up.
A few hours later, Big John arrived in Pattaya and checked into his hotel room. Peter decides to get a massage with Big John just one block up the street from his condo. Peter gets a one hour massage from one of the massage girls. But Big John’s either asked for extra time or requested a full two hours.
After finishing his massage decides to wait for big John in front of a little shop on the ground floor of his condo. The place is like a Seven Eleven or Family Mart but it’s smaller. But you can buy beer there, snacks, cigarettes, and just about everything you would normally find at a Seven Eleven or Family Mart. Back then there were a couple of tables and chairs in front of the place where some of the condo residents and their friends would often relax over beers.
Inside was the tall Englishman Peter had met on the beach a few hours before. This was an opportunity he couldn’t afford to pass up.
“Hello,” Peter greeted the man as soon as he walked inside. “I’m going to buy myself some beer and drink it just outside,” he added. “I’ll buy you one.”
“No. It’s on me,” the man replied. “ And I will join you outside.”
Peter couldn’t wait for Big John to return from getting his massage. The plot was starting to thicken.
As they drank their beers together at one of the tables, Peter asked Ian, “That’s a pretty woman, I saw you with today. Where did you meet her?”
“Oh Fun? She’s been my girlfriend for several years now. I met her at a massage establishment. We’ve been together ever since. When I’m here that is. The rest of the time I need to be in England taking care of business.”
“You are a condo owner here then?”
“Yes. I bought one of the largest condos in the building up on the twentieth floor. It’s the Penthouse. And if it wasn’t for Fun, I wouldn’t have even known it was for sale.”
“So you found out all about this condo building from your girlfriend?
“Oh yeah. Fun knew all about the condos for sale in the building alright. Peter remembered how Big John had once insisted on having his picture taken with Fun in his condo just a couple of months after he had moved into his unit. Peter remembered distinctly that the condo Ian had purchased had been one of the very last units that was sold. So if it hadn’t been for Big John, taking Fun to Peter’s condo and showing it off to her, she would never have known the place even existed.
“It’s a great place,”Fun told me. In fact, she got a nice commission for helping me buy the place, and as far as I’m concerned she’s earned every penny of it,” Ian added. “I think she used the money to buy her own house a few kilometers away from here.”
By this time, Big John, had finished his massage.
“Big John. This is Ian. Ian this is Big John,” said Peter. “Ian bought a condo here just a few months ago. Seems he found out about it from his girlfriend, Fun, and she got a nice commission out of it.”
The expression on Big John’s face told Peter that whatever therapeutic effects his massage had on him had immediately disappeared.
“Fun? Where did you meet her?” Big John asked.
“She was managing a massage place. That was two years ago. I see her every time I come here from England.”
“How much did you pay for your condo?” Big John asked.
“Eleven Million baht. She probably got several hundred thousand baht commission from making that sale happen. But I’m really happy for her. I think she got a big down payment on her house out of that.”
By now Big John was thoroughly pissed off. Peter didn’t know if he’d stalk angrily off or if he’d just pound Ian into the concrete. Big John had once been a professional wrestler and had even been on television several times so Peter knew he was up to the job.
“Come out to the swimming pool with me, Big John. I need to talk with you in private about something.” Then Peter turned to the Englishman and said, “We will be back in five minutes, okay?”
Out at the pool which was just forty meters away, Andy said to Big John, “I know how you feel, John.” You probably don’t want to talk to anyone right now so if you’d like we can go somewhere else and have a few without anyone else around.”
“No,” Big John replied. “This poor guy probably doesn’t even know about any of this. We must warn him about this bitch.”
As they returned to their table, Andy said to Ian, “Big John and I want to have a word with you out at the pool. No one else will hear us there.”
Which was no problem. The Englishman had seemed easy going enough. As soon as three men stepped inside the pool entrance, Big John extended his hand and said, “Ian, I am the other man. It seems we have the same girlfriend and she’s been lying to both of us.”
The three men returned to the table where they ordered another round. After that someone suggested they all go to the Walking Street go go bars together. Ian had his own car while Big John had rented a car and driver who picked him up and drove him to Walking Street. Peter rode with Ian.
The threesome had many drinks together in the Walking Street go go’s that night. The next day Big John went back to the massage place and told Fun to go to hell in front of all her co-workers. He would been just as well off telling that SOB Thai cop off for his scumbag Thai girlfriend investigation.
But as Peter told me later, “I think the other women there all patted her on the back afterwards and told her, ‘Good going girl, it is now Thai 21 points, falang zero.’”
This Thai girlfriend investigation is a true story. The moral of it is, “After all is said and done , if you can’t trust a policeman, who can you trust?”