I finally met Dick Fitswell on Soi Six. In Pattaya. Not the real Dick Fitswell, the man in the book with the 18 inch dick but someone just like him, except in the end he came up a bit short, but if you’ve ever followed the Dick Fitswell, the man in quest for the Perfect Fit saga you will have learned that this is what usually happens to all the Dick Fitswell wanna bees of the world.
I’d already had my first woman of the night and planned on getting me another, but wanting to take an intermission from my nocturnal activities I went into the Perry Bar to have a couple beers. So I sat alone at the bar where I got my first bottle in record time. I didn’t know it right off, but my bartender was Perry the owner. For years the bar was the Bull Ring. Nothing’s really changed here except for the sign. In fact, the place still has the same ole mamasan as before.
Did I say old mamasan? Well I tell you she was looking delectable tonight. This mamasan’s in her prime but tonight she was really wired on all the drinks she had been having. A slender fireball of energy wearing a baseball cap backwards she was really full of herself. There was a man with her and a couple of bar girls had joined them as they all danced together in the center of the room. There was a second man in the place, lying on his side on one of the couches, comatose and completely oblivious to everything around him.
A third man came into the bar ringing the bell as he came in without a moment’s hesitation. This meant a second bottle of beer for me. I thought he was German and almost said to the man, “Danke Schoen”, but thanked him in English instead. But before I wound up trying to offer him a beer, the first man came up to me and introduced himself.
“Hi. I’m Dick (pretending that I’m Fitswell),” he said to me.
“And I”m Billy Bob,” I replied. “I’am American. Where do you come from?”
“I am from Sweden.”
“Well that’s good. At least you are not English. I thought you were.”
“Oh no. I come from Sweden. Here on holiday.”
The Swede walked over to the mamasan for a moment and said to her, “I fuck you already. I want to fuck you a second time.”
Mamasan smirked at him and said, “Oh you think you can really?”
The Swede came back to me and said, “I have already fucked her upstairs. They have a mirror up there above the bed and I could watch myself fucking her. It was very good. She have very good pussy. I love her pussy.”
Mamasan overheard what the Swede was telling me. Everyone did except the comatose man still lying on the couch.
“Oh, I didn’t know she is the mamasan,” I replied. She sure is good looking though.”
“Fuck you Billy Bob,” the mamasan said to me. But she said it softly in good humor because we both knew the truth. I had banged her four times before. But that would be our little secret we’d keep from the Swede.
“You know what I did yesterday,” the Swede continued. “I fucked nine ladies next door in the same afternoon.” The bar girls there couldn’t believe it, but they kept score for me.”
“Man. I didn’t know that was possible,” I told him. “You ought to be in porn movies.”
“I did, and right now I’m going to eat mamasan’s pussy. Then he looked over at mamasan who was standing only a few feet away and called out to her. “Let’s get on the floor together, right now. I want to eat your pussy right here.”
Well, mamasan wasn’t buying it. All the time she had been darting back and forth in the bar and going outside to check on the girls calling out to possible customers. She was wearing very little for her bottom, perhaps just a g string, but much of the time it was drawn up so that her ass and privates were partly exposed. But I knew her, and I knew she was way too cool to let the Swede eat her on the floor. But she did edge over closer to us.
The Swede started to unzip his pants. Then he pulled out his dick. I must confess to looking down at it but only for a moment. I thought he might measure up to something close to being like Dick Fitswell. But I was disappointed. He seemed quite ordinary to me.
“Do you remember this?” the man said to Mamasan as he wiggled his cock in front of her.
“How do you want me to remember your dick, when I have 10,000 of them in me already?” the mamasan replied.
I then remembered a past conversion I once had with Mamasan when I asked her how many times she boom boomed a day. She had told me it varied, but that she usually had sex with between 60 and 80 men each month. And I believed her. I believed her because the first time I had actually sat down with her and bought her a drink she was having her birthday party in the bar and she had more money stapled to her clothing than I had ever seen on a bar girl in my life. A few days after that I had asked her just how much money the bar’s customers and bar girls had given her on her birthday and she had told me she had stapled 20,000 baht to her.
Such is the true measure of this woman. She is so likeable that people had given her 20,000 baht in the bar on her birthday. She spoke excellent English and unlike most bar girls or mamasans I had met before, she always spoke the truth to me. Besides, she was damn good looking and had this trim nicely put together little body that weighed just 40 kilograms. She was one of those gems that you loved just sitting down with for a few drinks.
A few minutes later the Swede said to me, “Excuse me. I have to go to the toilet.”
Fifteen minutes later, he still hadn’t come out of the rest room. By this time the comatose man on the couch had started to wake up and Mamasan had sat next to him to help him regain his senses. His brain still wasn’t working, however, but his hands were as he kept trying to grope Mamasan’s trim little figure.
Then she disappeared outside again. A man came in who looked to be about thirty-five or so.
“This place is really incredible he said to me. “I’ve never seen a place this crazy. It’s just off the scale.”
“Where are you from?” I asked the man.
Several minutes later he walked past the rest room with Mamasan who accompanied him upstairs.
Finally the Swede came out of the toilet. He had been in there for too long to be just getting rid of his bodily wastes. But he came out only for a few seconds and then he went back into the commode. When he finally came out, he staggered over to me.
“I suppose you just had a true love affair with the toilet bowel,” I told him.
“Yes”, he replied as he made motions with his hand signifying that he had thrown up. “I drink too much so I throw it all out of my mouth.”
I still wonder how he had ever managed to bang nine different bar girls in the same afternoon. So I started to imagine him lining the girls up on the floor while he knelt over each one in turn and slipped himself into each girl for a few seconds before moving onto the next.