The undocumented immigrants solution came to me in a conversation with my Canadian Pal over seven pitchers of beer. This conversation between Rowdy and me is so important that I am sending its transcript to the Washington Post, the New York Times, Facebook and my useless Congressman in its entirety. Here it is.

Rowdy: At first I really liked Donald Trump. But I’ve changed my mind. However, I loved his plan to build a wall to keep all undocumented immigrants out of the United States. Of course I’m Canadian. But my not being American gives me the true picture of the gravest threat facing the United States today.

Jack Corbett: Why do you think all these illegals is the greatest threat facing the United States?

Rowdy: Because the U.S. population will soon grow to 400 million if we don’t stop them soon.

Jack Corbett: Considering the U.S. population is now around 330 million this means an increase of seventy million. So why is this our greatest threat?

Rowdy: Because these immigrants are the least educated from their own countries. And once they enter the United States they will be breeding like rabbits. This means Americans will become more stupid and more needy than they are now.

Jack Corbett: I agree with you Rowdy, but I don’t think building Trump’s wall is the undocumented immigrant’s solution to this huge problem. The wall is too expensive.

And all these illegal immigrants can find many ways around it. They can even enter the U.S. through Canada or by the ocean.

Rowdy: They’s gotta be stopped. Expecially if they pollute Canada by entering it first.

Jack Corbett: I agree. They are using our two nations as a toilet bowl for the dumbest and the most unskilled people in whatever country they come from.

And I as an American tax payer don’t want to support them.

Rowdy: It would be one thing if a list is compiled like they have been doing in Canada of the assets an immigrant brings to the table. Like he’s an engineer, or a doctor, a teacher, or even a skilled laborer. And then we can let in only those immigrants who can contribute to the welfare of Americans and Canadians.

Jack Corbett: And they are undocumented. This means we are letting a lot of criminals in. We both live in Thailand now. You don’t see Thailand admitting illegal immigrants. And even though we both have one year retirement visas, we still have to report to Thai Immigration every three months or risk deportation.

Rowdy: And I am a Civil engineer. I’ve been living in China more than half my life. But even now the Chinese government might not let me reenter China because it thinks I don’t contribute enough to China.

You Americans can just shoot any undocumented immigrants down as soon as they enter your country. Many countries have done just that. And are still doing it, Rowdy continued.

Jack Corbett: But we can’t do that, Rowdy. What will other countries think? This is inhumane. And just what will all these idiot liberals in the U.S. do? They will be having all sorts of demonstrations like we’ve never had before. But, what we can do is make things so unpleasant for all these illegals that they would much prefer staying in their own countries no matter how oppressed they are. We must make them think that emmigrating to the U.S. is even worse than having to face starvation in their homelands.

The undocumented immigrant’s solution is for the United States to hire thousands of Canadian Mounties to ride all these illegals down, I added.

And then what?

To complete the undocumented immigrant’s solution I am proposing the United States needs to implement what I learned after visiting Norris Farms. First, we never let them into the United States. We lease a parcel of ground from the Mexicans. Then we have the Canadian Mounties riding all over the United States herding the undocumented immigrants who got into the U.S. just like cowboys herd cattle.

Rowdy: That’s a great idea Jack. Herding them like cattle. I like it.

Jack Corbett: As you know, Rowdy, I used to be a farmer. And my Dad used to have a cattle feedlot business. He kept up to 360 cows and steers in a confinement area where we fed them corn to fatten them up for the stockyards. But my father wanted us to become more efficient so he asked me to go visit Norris Farms in Havana, Illinois.

Rowdy: Go on Jack. So you want to put all these illegals into confinement just like your Dad did with cattle?

Absolutely Rowdy. Treat all these undocumented immigrants just like cattle.

The cornerstone for my undocumented immigrant’s solution is what made Norris Farms in Havana, Illinois the lowest cost producer of beef. Norris Farms had all these fields all over Florida where there wasn’t a lot of disease affecting their cattle. So they had all their cows producing calves and they fed all those calves on grass. Which is a lot cheaper than corn. Then when the calves became strong enough. Growing to say 500 or 600 pounds they would ship them all to their Illinois farm operation near the Illinois River where they would fatten them up for the slaughterhouse.

Rowdy: By feeding the half grown cattle corn. Because corn fed cattle tastes a lot better than grass fed cows and steers like they have in Australia.

Jack Corbett: Exactly. But corn is pretty expensive feed for cattle. So Norris Farms would keep their corn fed cattle in these confinement pens just like most cattle raisers do. The cattle couldn’t move around a lot so they would get fat in a hurry. The name of the game is to feed your cattle at the lowest price per pound of weight gain. But Norris Farms was the best in the business at keeping their cost per pound of weight gain the lowest in the industry.

What I learned from Norris Farms was that cattle and therefore humans can survive from eating shit. And this is the undocumented immigrant’s solution. The final solution I might add.

Rowdy: You gotta be joking, Jack.

Jack: In these confinement buildings at Norris Farms there’s all these large grooves the farmers carved into the concrete floors. These grooves were sloped to carry water and excrement into these steel pipes. And then they’d pump all that water mixed with cow shit up over thirty feet into the air into a centrifuge. The centrifuge would separate that mixture of shit and water into two parts. One part composed of ammonium waste would then be pumped into pipes out into the fields to be used as ammonium nitrate fertizer. While the good shit would be added to cattle feed composed of mostly corn but with ground up soybeans and other ingredients added.

Rowdy: I’ve got it. Shit comes from food, so if you can separate the nutricious components of animal exrement from the animal waste product you can feed it back again to the cattle.

Exactly I condinued. Norris Farms had the most efficient cattle feedlot operation I’ve ever seen.

Those farmers would wash all those cattle pens out with large amounts of water which they got from irrigating from the Illnois River. They funneled all that water they pumped across their concrete floors down grooves or channels into pipes into a centrifuge. Part of all that waste they mixed with cattle feed. So, for example if it cost three and a half cents in feed costs to get one pound of gain in a steer or cow. They could now reduce their cost per pound of gain to just three cents. What was left, they would pipe into all these huge tanks of ammonium nitrate shit which they would later spread out all over their fields as fertilizer.

So just what does all this have to do with your undocumented immigrant’s solution? Rowdy asked.

My undocumented immigrant’s solution is to treat all these undocumented immigrants just like cattle, I replied. First, we hire thousands of Canadian Mounties to ride all over the United States herding all those illegals like cattle. Then they drive them on foot into the land we’ve leased from Mexico. Since Norris Farms has proven there’s a lot of nutritional value in shit, we then put a lot of cattle in with all those illegals, who then must eat a lot of cattle excrement just to survive.

I love it, Rowdy replied.

Me too. And you will also love the final part of my undocumented immigrant’s solution. We sell our fattened cattle to the Mexicans for their tacos, burritos and other Mexican food. Meanwhile the families back in the home countries of all these illegals will do anything to get them to move back to their homelands. And most of them will pay bounties to the Mexican government to send them back.

Another Canadian Mountie Jack Corbett story you might enjoy.