The Pattaya Police stopped Jack Corbett.   Then they gave him the Pattaya Breathalyzer test five times.  And Jack had not touched one drop of alcohol.

Jack had just done one hour on the elliptical machine, burning off 750 calories–good enough to negate the caloric content of 7 beers.   His gym clothes were in his backpack, smelly and soaking wet from all his sweat.   He was just five minutes out of the shower at the Centara Grand Mirage Beach Resort fitness center and was now on his way to dinner at a neighborhood restaurant.

It was 7 p.m.  Jack was just one kilometer away from his condo on his way to a restaurant with his girlfriend sitting behind him on his Yamaha SR 400 motorcycle.  Suddenly four or five of Pattaya’s finest brown shirts loomed in front of him.

He was dead sober.   But Pattaya’s finest incorruptibles  forced him to stop.

Pulling out his Thai driver’s license, Jack told the Thai policemen that he had nothing to drink whatsoever.

Motivated by pure altruism,  they gave him the Pattaya breathalyzer test and forced him to blow into the scurrilous device.

Unfortunately for the poor  policemen and their starving families, the breathalyzer showed no alcohol in Jack’s system whatsoever.  But the police were doing without bread and water, so it was time to press the issue.  Undoubtedly the police officer with the Pattaya breathalyzer figured, “If at first you don’t succeed it’s time to try again . So he told Jack to blow again and to narrow his mouth more.

Jack complied of course, out of due respect for the law.

But it was still not good enough for the little man in brown who asked him to narrow his mouth even more.   Jack blew a third time,  narrowing his mouth so that it was no wider than a guppy’s.  But once again the Pattaya Breathalyzer failed to show any signs of alcohol.  Hoping for a miracle, the Pattaya Police officer asked Jack to narrow his mouth even more.

It now took real concentration to blow.  Visions started to fill Jack’s head of guppies and gay guys smoking lady boys with small dicks.  His mouth now narrowed down to a 360 degree ellipse no larger than a straw, he blew once more.   But Pattaya’s finest still could find no signs of alcohol.  Finally the police let him continue on to the restaurant.

But oh well.  Exercise is good for a man.  And it’s good for the soul.  So if the police are out giving breathalyzer tests to motorcyclists, it’s a good time to get back to our roots and start walking again.